almost one?!

this is from thanksgiving at my dad's house.saylor's wearing grandpa's 'hat!'.
-saylor's signs-
hat
bye bye
so big
clapping
blow kisses
more
eat
all done
nurse
he can also play peekabo [he can hide his face]. he dances to any music and he also started putting his head down when he wants help doing a somersault.hat is definitly his favorite sign and he does it randomly but it's pretty awesome when he sees a hat and makes the sign.
other fun things-he loves pulling off his socks, throwing anything-especially food off his highchair. playing drums and piano, talking and imitating our sounds.... he recently has gone from being terrified of the vaccuum to highly intrigued. he follows the vaccuum now as i go and is fascinated.
he's not interested in walking but crawls crazy fast.
some 'no-no's' that he's constantly drawn to---trashcans, cat dish, plugs, colin's sword [haha yes], and the like. he still doesn't register 'NO' will just look at you then try to touch again. so it's strange trying to discipline but i know we need to be consistent.
we cannot believe how fast this year has gone.everyone says that but it is a strange feeling. at this rate i'm going to blink and saylor will be 20.it is the funnest bestest most awesome job there is and i love him more every single second. i can't [well i can and am] to have more.
oh saylor how mommy loves you!!!

abre los ojos

two things as of late that have opened my eyes a bit
i feel like i can't express things i strongly believe in,be it christianity or how good lost is :) the knowledge i've gathered gets jumbled in my head and all i have is this gut feeling and random passion and all i can say is 'it's important!' or 'i just feel that way' nothing substantial.so it's nice to have friends/books/movies/websites to refer people to.although most people don't follow through.because it's my conviction, not theirs and that's ok.but i do still feel naive and overwhelmed and that we all need to wake up! particularly as christians we have an obligation to serve people and work for the kingdom...i'm on a tangent.here's my latest learnings.

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
i should have read this book last year.this is challenging to me and my subsequent births will be different i know.it's a good book,it is not degrading or completely one sided which is always a red flag.

Wal-Mart:The High Cost of Low Price
worth watching.the filming isn't the best but it surely keeps your attention.it's ridiculous.

and this is a website that we go to often that is also a bit alarming
cosmeticdatabase
you can look up countless products that lists the ingredients and how potentially hazardous they are.there's no way to avoid this altogether and i don't think that's necessary,but i always say modify where you can.and it's worth it for us to adjust and buy differently when we can.
the cosmetic database is found through the environmental working group website.

good stuff.i cannot wait for my hubby to be home to...
snuggle
play phase 10/scrabble
his cooking
daddy/son time [saylor has learned to blow kisses and the signs 'all done' and 'eat' since colin's been gone]
go christmas shopping and christmas decorating our humble abode.
and more..por supuesto.

crappy thanksgiving?

trying to see the humor in it..but to be immature for a moment,if you will, i'll state a few things that have made this the worst thanksgiving i've ever had.--fortunately i always celebrate twice- so tomorrow i trek to my dads,where thanksgiving may redeem itself,we hope.

my husband is not here
my phone broke [still can talk/text though thank jesus]
my son is still sick,thus whiny and won't eat/nurse much which concerns [only] me.so waking up early crying.
my sister and her fam can't be here [will see her tomorrow though!]
awful fight with my mom
my brother is now sick,keeps throwing up [must have got it from saylor]
started my period-which is huge because i haven't had one in over 4 years. [unless i was on birth control i didn't have them.so when we started trying to have a baby we had no idea if it would be difficult.saylor was meant to be here!]--but this to say i've had horrible cramps,my whole body is aching.
and a migraine
have a funeral on saturday [great uncle]
my husband is not here [it's worth saying twice] oh and found out minutes ago that he'll be home two days later than we thought.
so anything else random happening [my button fell off my black jacket again may reduce me to tears,or laughter depending.did spend some time with colin's family which was nice.back at my mom's. she made a huge meal only 4 people ate [my mentally handicapped uncle is here too] bless her.it is quiet here and this is unusual.most thanksgivings we've had friends over.so it's pretty bummer.but we have to laugh about it. i don't idealize thanksgiving or get all worked up about it, but i was excited for saylor to experience it and colin to get to go to my dad's house as he hasn't been to it yet [they moved two hours away a couple years ago]. well boo! or bah, or whatever.
but truly i am thankful for so much and despite absent people and lots of puke i feel so blessed and maybe even more aware of things i am grateful for.which is awesome because that means the enemy loses again and JESUS reigns in my heart.

its a 24 hour job

at 3:45am saylor began throwing up.colin left yesterday [he always misses the best and the worst things...weddings/funerals.parties/puking] but i am staying at my parents for the week and since my brother's home now too i just slept in the same room as saylor.which was good i was there quickly to catch alot of puke over the next four hours.poor little man.after throwing up he'd be sad and clammy and of course i'd rock him then he'd sleep for 30minutes then it'd start all over again.learned my lesson not to put a new outfit on him and not to put new sheets/blankets on-just started laying a towel down.he has only thrown up one other time, at 5months-it was a ton but just once and he fell back asleep right away.so this was an adventure and i had many visions of doing this when he was 4..9..imagining puke on the floor,bed,hair-maybe with a baby crying during all that...it does not matter if mom's back hurts or if she had a rough day--it's a 24 hour job.[and we want 4...!] and i had mixed feelings of dread, pride.. anxiety and most of all love and compassion,because no matter how drained i was, i was still full of love and wanting to give and take care of my son.
i eventually just let him lay with me in bed,with a couple towels on me and the bed.and he snuggled as close as two people can get,forcing his body closer,pushing into me.and my heart was full.and God loves us like this,only more?! thank you lord.
so i got a grande coffee this morning as opposed to my usual tall. :)

keilbasa

colin and i went to carraba's on friday as we always try to have a date night before he leaves.we had to take saylor though but it turned our great-there were tons of litle kids and babies there! likely because we went at 5:30.saylor was wonderful and carraba's has the best caeser salad i've ever had. then stephen and colin convinced amber and i to all hang out.funny because the girls weren't in the mood and we openly admitted it.but they brought a decanter of wine and and we played phase 10 and it was the most slapstick random funny night.we were all four in a dumb-funny mood. stephen somehow beat us all at phase 10. since amber was having a girls only bday party on saturday stephen and colin kept talking about hanging out and having a 'sausage fest'. i of course took this literally and thought they were going to hang out and make sausage.
went to the snows with beth for the game.easy times,good times.colin wondered what to do that evening and i said 'i thought stephen was coming over and you guys were going to make sausage' to which he laughed and we all laughed and thought what a great story..amber's party was great.it was dessert and coffee and there were some delish-ness going on. [i brought the coffee of course and i had trader 'joe-joes' peppermint oreo type things that i covered in chocolate and was proud of myself,it taste great] so-talking to mary 'what's chad doing tonight?' no joke, he was MAKING SAUSAGE. how insanely random can you get?! he was grinding meat to make keilbasa, some family tradition or something or other.that made my week.


this is a picture of amber,not from the party last night but from halloween of course.i wasn't even there for this,but it just has to be one of my favorite pictures,ever.i love amber!

we can work it out

on wednesday i worked a total of 12 1/2hrs at starbucks.5am-1230 at my store and then i picked up a shift at colin's store.he was closing and one of my dreams is to work with colin at starbucks.well dream fufilled they needed a shift covered wednesday night so i worked 6pm-11pm.[saylor at rigsbys house where we then spent the night] colin was my boss,and we could have gotten out earlier except i've never worked evening at starbucks before,and i've never worked in a different store.it was a weird feeling but i quickly got used to the different environment and hopefully i can transfer to westerville soon.the managers at westerville keep telling me to come work there but i need to actually talk to my manager about it and i haven't fully decided/worked up the nerve.i've been with my store since it opened so im a little attached to at least the store itself and of course the customers.tho i know westerville like the back o'my hand since i'm there just about every day.hhhm.i want to keep this job though i love the discount! in the meantime my sister is saving lives at her job so...piddle paddle.
every weekend from now until christmas is booked.it's going to be crazy but it'll be fun too.
yesterday colin and i were bout to go to my parents for dinner and we both could not find our phones.at first it's just looking real quick as we're trying to leave, then it's funny cuz we can't find them, then it's frustrating, then it's like are you freaking kidding me where the heck are they.looking in the fridge, under bed, couch, bathroom closet...like seriously where are they. a good ten minutes go by.i'm throwing clothes and books everywhere looking.colin then finds his-in his back pocket. 'i normally have it in the other pocket!' and then he has to call me twice to locate the vibrate of my phone coming from saylor's dresser.the closed pajama drawer. i don't even know.but it was funny.

tuesday teething

saylor napped for over four hours yesterday! it was amazing but of course i kept peeking in on him from hours 2-4. which leads me to consider things i was formerly skeptical about.... because they always talk about babies sleeping more or being fussier while teething. for some reason i just didn't buy into that.babies will be fussy and their parents are like 'oh they're teething' it just seemed like something to say but wasn't really true.well i've changed my mind as mr.say's 4th tooth is coming in and he sleeps a ton each time.
more random things that i didn't really believe or realize fully.
1.the food aversions/cravings/nauseousness. so real, so overwhelming.
2.your feet may grow when you are pregnant.my mom said this happened to her and i didn't believe it.well shoes i have don't quite fit me anymore.i was a 8 1/2-9 and now i'm 9 1/2-TEN. TEN! that is embarassing..i'm only 5'4"! haha.
3.breastfeeding burns 'a bazillion' calories...you hear this everywhere but didn't really think it would make a significant difference.well i ate like crazy for the first six months after saylor was born [you are hungrier AFTER the baby is born noone tells you that!] and managed to lose 30 pounds when anyone else would have gained 30 with what i was eating and my activity level [zero]
4.even if you lose all the weight your body will look different.i'm 5-10 pounds more than my former self but i can see how my body is different-in many ways.but i'm slowly learning to embrace it.
5.colic--i heard many horror stories and i only have one child so far to base it on but after reading happiest baby on the block i am pretty sure i believe it doesn't have to exist.
6.you forget all the bad stuff about pregnancy/birth. i was pretty miserable pregnant and saylor's 9pound body did a number on mine... but i literally genuinely forget the pain and uncomfortable-ness and can't wait to do it again.
7.how fast it goes. that's almost cliche but it's freaking me out how fast it goes and he's not even a year. i guess cuz they change so much.
8.how hard breastfeeding is.i'm super-pro breastfeeding but it hurt so bad.for so long.in my mind it's still easier than making formula [and its free,and it's better for the baby.ok i'll stop] but i understand more why people stop.
9.thinking we didn't really need an exersaucer...oh my lord what would we have done without it.
10.that i didn't have a choice but to vaccinate and that it was necessary-there are options and we are not going to vaccinate any more.
and much more and i keep changing my mind and realizing things all the time.which causes me to wonder do we ever feel wise or mature? or just a sense of realization.. i see my parents who are entering their 50's still growing and learning....i think there will always be someone that i look up to and feel they have more life experience... i think as you get older though people sometimes respect your opinion less as 'times change' so their experience/ideas are nulled.just sometimes. there are some pretty awesome 80 year olds out there. i like visiting nursing homes and i keep wanting to go and take saylor.they'd love him.. although i guess i need to consider the health concerns. oh i forgot i have TB [dormant obviously but there]. ya i should be careful too. aw dang how can i get my old people fix?! :)
we are off to trader joe's.i'm making dinner tonight, it's true.i'm shooting for once a week.[colin usually cooks!]

i have a hard time picking a favorite anything but i'm pretty sure my favorite song,if i had to pick is joni mitchell- 'for free'. joni mitchell isn't a favorite artist but dang that song.every time i listen to it i cry.i could listen to it 5 times in a row [and i have] and i pull myself together only to begin crying again.
so i'm making a top ten.so far have five...
1.for free-joni mitchell
2. across the universe-the beatles and i really love rufus wainwrights' cover
3. it is well with my soul-favorite hymn for sure, best heard in a congregation, or by anyone who is worshipping.
4.the blower's daughter-damien rice-i walked down the aisle to this song
5.sleigh ride-amy grant- this may not make the eventual top ten but i did grow up hearing amy grant incessantly during the month of december so...it brings happy memories

the lyrics to 'it is well with my soul' always tear me up too, especially considering how the song came about--
[oh lord i pray for faith like this]

- Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1873
The words to this hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford's life. The first was the Great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially. Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram: "SAVED ALONE." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, he was inspired to write these words.


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

amen!!!!!

yay starbucks red cups!

random picture time- i call this 'solemn corn face'


saylor and his cousin emily who was born 8 weeks before him.this was in july i think

pass the cheer the holidays are here.turns out colin will not be home for thanksgiving though. grrrr. gah.
last night we spent time with christina and seth and we played phase 10 and colin and i fell in love with it, i think i'm going to go buy it today.
yesterday i sold some beanie babies. i have about...150 or so.and my friend i were collecting them long before they became popular so i have some rare collectibles.i should have sold them at the height of the frenzy, i don't think their value will ever go back up.but there is actual sentiment attached to these stupid bean bag stuffed animals and i got a little emotional yesterday.i think it felt anticlimatic-i sold about 60 [at an ebay store that is currently accepting them for a beanie baby company] and only got $40. i will rummage through the rest later, maybe sell them to another place that is offering a bit more. and keep a few too of course. oh beanies.
this month seems to be going by quickly.

3 years and 11 months

monday colin and i celebrated 3 years of marriage! wow. his parents watched saylor and we went to the burgundy room, a tapas type place it was nice. we thought of last years anniversary as i was massively pregnant and how things have changed. [we went to smith and wollensky last year.i did not order an entree i just got this gigantic piece of chocolate cake it was amazing.] but i love my husband more everyday he is the most amazing man in the whole world i swear.
yesterday saylor laughed hysterically for an hour knocking a paper towel wad off the coffee table over and over. who needs [lead filled china made] toys?! haha.i will say i am trying to veer away from that and finding it very difficult.it's alarming what toys, bottles, bibs, etc are made of. also soaps,lotions, baby wipes etc etc..... i would like to be more educated [www.ewg.org is quite informative,and clicking on cosmetic database lists countless products and their risk based on their ingredients] i'm feeling strongly about things but i can't word it as i don't know enough.such as it is for me.
i worked this morning then spent some time with jayme which was awesome [i need more adjectives...], long overdue and not done enough but she will always be one of my bestest friends. we wrote this when we were 9 or so-
"and my heart thumpeth,when i think of us parting for the last time... SHALL we meet again!? oh.... woe is me" random but we've said it to each other 1000 times at least.
saylor is 11 months old today. sometimes i just have to bite him and squeeze him and lick him. will i want to do this when he is 14? when he is awkward going through puberty will i still want to squeeze and kiss his bum?! sorry honey just let me nibble on your toes... yummy.

pictures

i have taken close to 1000 pictures of saylor on my phone since he's been born [and about 300 videos].fortunately i've printed a bunch,and i finally managed to put some on a cd and save them to the computer.there are so many pictures that i love so i'll probably just post some on here randomly from time to time. also because i'm having a hard time posting recent pictures but i still want to put something on here! haha. i really need to figure out how to get my phone videos on here! grrr.


just hours old here...he was so beautiful.and i cannot beeeeelieve how fast it has gone already.i could stare at newborn pictures of him all day. i miss it and it makes me want another one right now!


little lip,little mohawk.little awesome-ness.



saylor loves to play drums,maybe every baby would do this but i like to think it's inherited.he now will hold both sticks and bang away on something.he also loves playing piano.


saylor and colin's dad- 'grandude' as he dubbed himself.two handsome men.



awesome smile! i think i've heard 'look at that smile!' from strangers seriously about 200 times since he's been born.he is the happiest baby..

100 things

it took some time, but i think everyone should do it.take a journey of self-discovery...don't feel obligated to read all of mine.

100 things about me

1. I won’t buy white underwear or socks, they have to be colors or black.
2. I want to shave my head just once.
3. I really want my next pet to be a hairless cat
4. I always make new year’s resolutions, and I actually stick to them.
5.I love to nap
6. Pee is grosser than poo to me. I enjoy talking about poop.
7. I drink water constantly, therefore I have to pee constantly
8. I’d rather be blazing hot than a little bit cold
9. I used to break out in hives all the time
10. I like to shake my foot or leg to get to sleep and while my friends were annoyed by it, colin doesn’t mind it at all.
11. I hated yams until one year I suddenly loved them.
12. My phone is always on and always next to me. I take it to the bathroom with me.
13. I had no reservations or anxiety having my first child, but I am finding myself nervous about having the next one.
14. My son just spilled a glass of water everywhere and I’m not doing anything about it.
15. I tend to under-react when things happen because I grew up around over-reacters and it made me tense.
16. I love to read autobiographies and memoirs
17. I cheated my way through high school and college.
18. I don’t feel like I have a sense of style, or an eye for anything.
19. I say ‘I don’t care’ even if I do because I’m a people pleaser and I want them to be happy more than I want myself to be. And I’m ok with that.
20. I love being a starbucks barista.
21. healthy/real food is important to me. On that same note, I LOVE food!
22. I like things clean and organized, but I am not good at keeping things that way. My husband is obsessively clean and organized.
23. My husband said he would not propose to me until I cleaned out my car. I think he gave up on that one.
24. I love crossword puzzles. I think it runs in the family.
25. I am terrified by spiders
26. My first real boyfriend is now my husband.
27. I saw all 3 Lord of the Rings in the theater and fell asleep each time. I have no clue what the movies are about. Ditto for star wars.
28. I cloth diaper part time but I feel self-conscious when using a disposable in public, as if people are judging me. Logically I know that’s ridiculous as most people use disposables.
29. Most of the ‘green’ things I do in my life are purely for economic, not ecological reasons. I am very frugal.
30. I sing aloud or in my head easily 15 songs a day.
31. But I do not own any cd’s or an ipod.
32. I’d much rather buy a dvd at best buy than a cd
33. I have chronic back pain, have seen multiple chiropractors and massages are my favorite thing ever.
34. I had a brief phase of stealing and I stole- I don’t want to say how much- clothes and makeup. I caaaannnot believe I did that looking back.
35. I had 5 wisdom teeth.
36. I am extremely NOT visual. I don’t even know what color my bedroom walls are.
37. And so I have no sense of direction, whatsoever.
38. I’ve dropped my phone 5 times today so far, once on my son’s head
39. I love, love worship music
40. I purposely went one whole year without cutting my hair, not even a trim.
41. I don’t care too much about my appearance, I actually care too little. I have to make an effort to care.
42. I love embarrassing and awkward moments!
43. I love words. a vocabulary desk calendar would be a great gift for me
44. I want so bad to be bilingual. Spanish or sign language in particular.
45. I can hear colin singing in the shower right now
46. I have a little lisp. Some people deny this, some people point it out.
47. I’ve never broken a bone or gotten stitches [ok, besides wisdom teeth/birth stitches]
48. milk kinda grosses me out.
49. I brush my teeth 4-6 times a day
50. I’m a hypochondriac for sure.
51. I’m also a car-hypochondriac, if you will.
52. I’m great at business calls, refuting charges, negotiating, etc. this is from working in collections for victoria’s secret I believe.
53. I wish I had an accent, or at least could fake an accent, but no.
54. I think people look best in their sweats.
55. I put baby powder on my flips flops before I wear them
56. I always have to think for a second ‘is it a peach or a pear? Peach, ya ok. No wait, it’s a pear’.
57. I’ve kept makeup in my purse for years, with the idea of maybe needing it, but I’m not a re-applyer, I’ve never re-applied!
58. I don’t really like milk chocolate but I love dark chocolate
59. My husband and I call each other peanut, all the time, we don’t even realize it.
60. I know all the words to Rent
61. I know all the words to the movie Noises Off
62. I need to read my bible more.
63. I’ve never done any kind of drug, or even smoked a cigarette.
64. peanut butter is one my favorite things in the world [all natural crunchy please]
65. I’ve journaled consistently since age 9.
66. I have a birthmark on my left thumb and I like it. It’s just a tan thumb.
67. I really love playing piano
68. I think my thoughts are so random and unique but then again I’m sure they’re not.
69. I am always feeling like I need to do more-for the kingdom and glory of God.
70. I will confront people or call them out on things if need be. It’ll nag me till I do.
71. The toilet paper has to go over the top of the roll!
72. I enjoy paying bills and all things number-related.
73. I will never say no to free food.
74. I have no qualms about wearing the same outfit 3, 4….5 days in a row.
75. I like having practical jokes played on me, so go for it.
76. My glasses always end up a little crooked from laying down and reading while wearing them.
77. I always try to come up with analogies and they are always terrible.
78. I have a bad habit of trying to finish people’s thoughts and it’s usually way off i.e ‘and I was just feeling so…’ and I interject ‘ya, depressed.’ And them, ‘no, overjoyed’
79. I have a weird fear of mine or anyone else’s ear being folded forward. Aagh!
80. I once ate two chipotle burritos in less than an hour. [competition]
81. I love magazines, could read them all day.
82. I’ll buy a purse, love it for 3 days then suddenly I hate it and have to get a new one.
83. I hate the flute, but I was good at it. Annoyed when I got first chair. Quit soon after.
84. I don’t like wearing glasses, but contacts drive me crazy too.
85. I have a…sensitive conscience. I’ll be singing along to a song then ‘these lyrics aren’t very appropriate…’ then I begin thinking of what the song is saying, then I think about Jesus and so on.
86. I don’t buy jewelry, and I very rarely wear it.
87. Most of my incessant doodles are words- block letters and cursive.
88. When I sit at the piano I always start playing ‘shine, jesus shine’ first.
89. I love shoveling snow, mowing lawns and raking leaves.
90. I’m a pessimist for sure but in a positive way.
91. I love random phrases ‘close but no cigar’ ‘we’ve got bigger fish to fry’ and will be cheesy and use them in my conversations.
92. I order a venti ice water from starbucks just about every day and always feel a little bad about all the cups I’m going through
93. Flying by myself is something I hate and love to do at the same time.
94. I constantly figure words out backward in my head when I see them.
95. I don’t like meat but have yet to cut it out completely
96. I have several friends that I’ve known since the day I was born.
97. I swore up and down for 10 years that I’d name my son Peanut Butter. Maybe next kid.
98. eventually I’d like a half sleeve of tattoos. and then some.
99. I have an associates degree in nutrition, maybe someday I’ll use it.
100. I love Jesus more than anything else in this little world.