Friday, December 31, 2010

makin' it work

places clover has been so far, at 7 months:
cincinnati/ikea, michigain, seattle, boise, denver, akron..
movie theater, 4th of july fireworks, camp sychar, trick or treat, cosi, columbus zoo, safe auto commercial, two house of heroes shows..
all parents houses, sister's houses, aunts house, uncles houses, grahams,fanchers, pflugs, andersons, wojniaks, evans, baxters, siglers, nelsons, zappins, dearths,longs, scherers, snows, arcades, elys and more.. and how many restaurants and stores and more?! about 10 different starbucks locations :)
i'm proud of my attitude of just taking her with me and making it work! i've done the same with saylor and so far i think saylor was a bit easier although clover is overall not difficult at all. i wonder..which came first- the high maintenance baby or the stressed out parents? i don't know much i only have two fairly easy kids. but i have seen cranky irritable babes and parents who just shrug it off and keep going about their activity... it's hard but we as parents have a choice in our response to difficult situations. do not underestimate the need for sleep and food. i'm so mean when i haven't eaten! and the need for sleep that parents and children need is a whole other post.. but anyhow i work REALLY hard at maintaining my sense of self and remaining calm and casual in my parenting. not to say i haven't had meltdowns, i can't do this help me i hate this, yelling/crying/sighing moments... those who know me have seen it :) BUT i KNOW this is normal, mothering is THE HARDEST JOB in this world.. and i am going to fail my children.. but i'm not going to wallow in shame and regret about these moments cuz that will only make it worse. there are times when i take clover out i will admittedly alternate between SWEET see i'm making this work! and holy crap i'm never doing this again uuuugghhh. but in the end i'm always glad i did it and my memories are always of the fun we had, you quickly forget/let go of the difficult parts [kinda like remembering labor as awesome even though it's the worst pain in the world].. yes when i'm able i gladly leave my kids with someone else so we can go out, but i will also not rule out something because i have a baby... i roll with the punches, realize it will be more challenging but choose to accept that and have fun anyway. i wish i was journaling her experiences more, i plan to be more consistent this year!
baby wearing and sleeping:

Saturday, December 18, 2010


i've had all these random thoughts i've thought about writing about but sickness has consumed me for the last week. this is pitiful! everyday i'd wake up with a new attack. it went as follows-thursday: hmmm headache, this feels a little weird. friday: sore throat... ruh roh. friday night: high fever and throwing up, that was good times. saturday: glands swollen to the size of watermelons, sunday: ears started hurting and clogged up, monday: nose started running crap, tuesday: left eye got swollen and gunky infected, wednesday: right eye got it, thursday: uncontrollable painful cough, friday: crazy jaw pain [from sinus pressure/fluid i'm assuming]. bear in mind as each new thing came, the other symptoms did not subside of course. they all just keep building on top of one another. i mean this is ridiculous. of course we've all been sick a million times but for me this one really tore me down. with two kids and the holidays and the intensity and continuous attack.. it's been a DOOZY. oy with the poodles already! thank god colin's home. my prayer is please jesus don't let anyone else get it...
so much going on even while i'm sick. on sunday clover was dedicated and our good photographer friend nick took a few pictures for us. first of all HER DRESS look at clover's outfit. it's amazing. a present from colin's mom, it's the nicest thing she will own until her wedding dress. and i love it love it love it. this dress IS clover don't you think? let's admire it, shall we. second, i am sick as can be here. we were on sunday in my plague of sickness so at least it was before the eye infections.
i LOVE our pastor, i LOVE our church. i need to write about our church. so good.
i love clover's expressions in the pictures! note her hands on our pastor jeff's hands and her looking up at him. she was into it :) and as you may be able to tell, she still loves sucking that bottom lip of hers. my sweet petunia!

Friday, November 26, 2010

hello holidays!

didn't mean to go so long without writing. i kept planning on it then my computer finally died! but today is a beautiful day, my new mac arrived. i love him. or her... wait let me see...i feel like it's a she! anyhow i'm very thankful for it, we got dust hev's employee discount and i bought apple gift cards on ebay to save even more money [like getting a $100 for $90.. totally recommend doing this when you have a big purchase! i saved another $50 this way].
things are good, colin is officially touring again and that lapse of time doesn't even seem real already... there is SO much that could be said about that whole period of course..but alas.. we've hashed and rehashed and explained and thought it all to pieces so i think we are done. in a nutshell [and my nutshells are other people's long stories :)] i think god genuinely had a purpose in the whole season-that is so evident..we were seeking him and he has been doing lots of greats was so great and fun to have him home but it felt like living an alternate universe. we did get used to it though and so it was strange going back but it took approx 30 seconds for it all to feel like ol' hat again.[so much i could write on what the word 'ALL' encompasses!] from my end i never even wanted him to step down so i really feel great about where we are at now. not to say it's easy... and so much i could expand on that :) but.. in all, we love our hoh family and it feels good to be back.
aaand that's all i'm going to write for now, however now that i've got a computer again i shall be writing more. and posting pictures..lots of fun holiday things coming up.. i love thanksgiving and christmas [and saylor's birthday in between]...
i'll leave you with these nuggets
i nursed on the floor in the christmas aisle at target today [black friday craziness mind you].. nobody seemed to notice or care, actually had one pregnant woman cheer me on..
saw a license plate today that said JK LOLZ.. and i thought to myself lol, omg! byob. sigh. kwim?!
i just ate pie in bed with colin and had about 5 brownies today...mmm and tomorrow's another thanksgiving for us, woohoo.
saylor quotes:
he says this ALL the time- 'today means today and right now means right now!' we still haven't figured it out..
'so mom, let's talk about chimneys'
and what is he thankful for? 'real guns and real light sabers'. nice...for his birthday he wants a pretend vacuum and a hot air balloon. and a 'real' light saber. such a hysterical age, seriously! it's amazing.
i love scarves.

Friday, October 8, 2010


**this post is about children and sleeping and it mostly for my record/memory.. may not be interesting to anyone except perhaps another mama :)**
i'm just so tired all the time! but such is this season i suppose. i just miss sleep. clover was doing great 6-8 hr stretches but in the last month she started sleeping 4-6 hrs then waking up every 1-2 hrs after that. no crying and i'd only have to nurse for a few minutes back to sleep but i was starting to go crazy. [aka burning eyes exhaustion, easily annoyed, no energy to do anything.. therefore not really being a good mama [or wife or friend]] i tried slowly cutting back [nursing less minutes every few minutes] and i tried not nursing and just rocking but it wasn't really working, it was kinda getting worse and i wanted to attack it before it got even worse/her solid routine. and i was going crazy. so i decided to let her cry it out- she was a good 'candidate' for it as she can and does fall asleep on her own just fine, had slept 8-9 hour stretches before and she wasn't a stubborn screamer anyhow. [if crying in the car she will stop after a few minutes after realizing her situation isn't changing.. :)] and although she's still young i think that's actually better- she's less aware/expecting me and can't like stand up or anything. definitely wasn't as hard to hear her cry, being my second child and remembering letting saylor whine and seeing him all smily as can be the next morning. she cried off an on every couple hours, there were a few minutes of sad oh shoot i can only handle one more minute of this crying- but then she'd stop and i'd be glad i didn't give in and nurse-never lasted more than 10 minutes, i stared at the time each time. she is still in our room, and i would go over and rub her belly and whisper to her although i think that could potentially make her more upset so i didn't do it too much. and YES she woke up in the morning happy, beaming at me and chatting away. second night she did better, mostly just kinda whined and fussed. third night she slept a 10 hr stretch, from 7-5! nursed then slept until 745...and last night was the 4th night, ended up nursing her at 1245, 430 and 6... oy..still figuring it out because i'm not opposed to nursing her once or twice at night, as she is still young.. i think once a night around 4 would work well for her so hopefully we will fall into this pattern soon. saylor also keeps waking up to pee in the middle of the night and usually wakes around 7 [though he will be quiet and let me sleep which is nice] but yah, as of now i'm still waking up at least what, 4 times a night, never mind my random mind won't stop running so that keeps me up too.. aaahh. next step is having saylor to go to the bathroom by himself and getting her in his room [they will be sharing a room]. but on the plus side saylor is now done with paci's!! he is almost 4 and we anticipated it being a difficult ordeal but it could not have been easier. we 'mailed' his paci's to kids that needed them, got him a build a bear that he named cham and he never even cried about it. awesome.
and besides her sleep snags, she is the happiest most chill little chickadee. she has a bald spot and is still not really rolling over, she loves to laugh and i'm trying to savor her babyness. i'm quite in love with her, i'm still in awe that we have a daughter- i remember the ultrasound at 14weeks and them saying she was a girl... and oh how i wanted a girl!! what a feeling...
excited for fall.. although where did all my winter clothes go? i know last year i was pregnant but what heck did i wear in 2008?! i have like 1 long sleeve shirt and 3 sweaters that i don't like. this seems to happen every season.. part of this is my bad habit of buying quantity over quality.. still trying to learn to invest in quality pieces that will last a long time versus my forever21 trips that yah.. last for a season...ah well. i enjoy my thriftiness but i still need some key pieces... [jeans/winter coat/boots/sweater] our friends should do another clothing mind is wandering...
i am grateful for parents who watch our kids a lot and my husband who gives me lots of freedom, but currently a book and bed sounds more appealing than anything else... sigh!

Saturday, September 18, 2010


me and my hubs, taken by our friend

Friday, September 17, 2010

top ten?

i'll get these deep thoughts and think oooh i should blog about that... then my kid will hit a milestone and i'm like gotta write that down.. and then something funny happens and i think i need to blog that to remember it! aaaaaand then i don't.
so... here are my top ten favorite things in the world. besides the obvious, jesus/family/friends
i have always said this. and i said whoever married me needed to know, as in we should put it in the vows.. that i will want/need to be massaged all the time. sometimes i need intense deep tissue rubs to help my always hurting back.. but i even like getting my hair washed when i get a hair cut, i like all of it.. i like back scratches.. i like massages on my head, face, feet, hands... i love it all... so you know.. if i'm ever sitting on the floor in front of you.. i will fall in love with you if you rub me..[though i'll never ask, cuz.. the people pleasing thing, i don't like to ask people to do things for me [except of course i'll ask colin all the time. ALL THE TIME]] most of my friends know this..
ok i said besides people.. but people as a whole.. i soak them up.... with the way people think, with their life stories, with how different we are, with how we are all the same.. i could read friends and strangers blogs all day, every day and never tire of it.. i am deeply moved by personal stories on stupid reality shows, i want to look through your family photo albums, i only read memoirs/autobiographies, i love weddings, i will go to your family reunion, i love awkwardness, i love hearing different points of views, memories..i am thinking about you and everyone else more than you can possibly imagine. and i work really hard to not judge people but to better understand them and love them regardless. i don't have a crazy passion/talent like my husband does.. but you could say i'm passionate about PEOPLE. i want to learn how to love you all the way you need to be loved, and i want to help people.
i love sleep, i LOVE dreams... i LOVE LOVE LOVE pillows and blankets, they almost deserve a spot in my top 10.
ok obvious things, no but seriously. I LOVE FOOD. everyone knows this. and good food, i do not eat crap. why waste space on gross nasty food when there is so much AMAZING FOOD in this world!? i love to eat. all the time.
deep deep love for puppets. i don't get excited/gushy very easily..but a good puppet makes me wanna laugh and cry at the same time.. within this, i love animals that act like people-cartoon or real life, animals dressed like people... and sesame street
schedules, numbers, appointments, day planner, i memorize numbers too easily, i say i'll be home in 14 minutes and i'm exactly right, i love keep track of people's schedules, i love taking care of money.. and i love words! crossword puzzles!!!!! scrabble. spelling. weird words, definitions.. languages! i love sign language. i love spanish. i love writing. i love reading.
i LOVE awkwardness and i LOVE LOVE embarassing stories. let's sit around all day and tell the most awkward things that have happened to us. this is LIFE! i's awesome. we have all had some horribly embarrassing things happen to us! we all need to laugh about it.. oh my gosh i love it. i look forward to encounters that i know will be awkward... like i seriously love embarrassing moments! bring it!
i like realizing that we don't need to conform to ideas/rules/life as it is presented to us. we obviously lead life different in many ways.. it's two fold- i thoroughly enjoy disputing a bill/asking for more out of a company and within that is my insistence to be ME and live life my own unique way and don't try to force me otherwise.. and whether that's searching for months for the best deal and then working to get it at an even better price,wearing the same outfit for a week because i want to, not hanging up till they take the charges off my bill because i refuse to accept otherwise, naming my children names that no one else has, living the artistic/self-employed/pursuing the dreams life, getting into conspiracy theories.. all encompassing right?! i'm not trying to stand out, i just ended up this way and i'm enjoying it. this buck the system mentality was unhealthy at some points in my life though, such as when i used to skip class and cheat in school and shoplift all the time. ahem ahem.
my cell phone. i'm so thankful. only thing i don't like is that i'm sure radiation or whatever emits from it and likely isn't healthy in that respect but otherwise.... it's awesome. i mean hello, 75% of colin and i's relationship has formed/grown over our phones. and we are so used to it we never really go more than a few hours without at least a 'how's it going' text.. and shoooooot i'm in love with my iphone. i am a little worried about the reception when traveling, we shall see..
again, the electric waves/radiation or whatever- read this article, that explains what i mean.. but that aside.. the internet is amazing, let's not forget this! i don't want to be too consumed by it, i don't want me or my children to be addicted to it.. but if we are modest and respectful to it.. it is incredible and informative and awesome and funny and helpful... and connecting. i love that i can connect with people so easily through it. :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

clover at 12 weeks

clover at 12 weeks:
**wakes up twice a night. for awhile she just woke once, but now she's waking twice again- she goes to bed between 730-830, wakes up around 1-3 and then around 4-6 and up for the day between 730-830. she has NOT ONCE CRIED at night. and she has not once been wide awake in the middle of the night! too incredible. she wakes cuz she's moving around [breaking an arm out of the miracle blanket] she grunts and roots, i feed her for a good 10 minutes and she's back to sleep.
**she's still in the packnplay next to us and i can't even picture how it's going to work when she shares a room with saylor. i will wait until she's waking up only once or not at all and probably until she's not swaddled anymore... bedtime will be easier than naps. mainly because this girl does not nap! she just takes many 10-40 minute naps throughout the day.. part of me feels like i need to start 'training' her to sleep, but most of me isn't worried about it for now. i didn't take notice of saylor's sleep patterns until he was 5 months or so- i don't think there really was a pattern until then.
**her favorite place in the world is the swing. loves loves loves it. sleeps in there, hangs out awake and watches us.. happy as a clam for hours. i keep putting her in there at the start of her bedtime but i don't want her dependent on the swing for sleep so i've been decreasing the setting so it moves slower and slower. ha! baby steps...
**she is 12 pounds, looking chunky yet petite at the same time. still not fitting in most of her 3mo outfits! she eats like a bird, polite and passive, as compared to saylors horse eating crazy chomping. rarely spits up but has still managed to spit up on like 3 people and i go 'oh my gosh she never spits up!' and they say 'you keep saying that but...'
**last week at 11 weeks and one day she laughed for the first time while we were viisiting our friend meredith [who just had baby marlo!] so of course all we've been doing since is trying to get the girl to laugh. she is very quick with a smile now and will give a huge dimply smile to anyone who says hi to her.
**so laid back, will let anyone hold her [of course at this age]. we can keep her in church and she'll just sit on our laps lookin' around though i don't expect that to last much longer, she's been cooing/talking more and more.
**our friend erin made us these little lovey blankets with tags on them, i put one in her lap all the time and she loves them. grabs them, clings to them, holds them to her faces and sucks all over them. she works so hard to get ahold of it and put it in her mouth! so cute.
**yesterday we really noticed she was trying really hard to reach out to touch a toy. their whole body moves around when they are working on something [smiling, talking, etc] it's so cute! her left arm seems to have more control than her right and that's the one she's trying to touch things with so i'm saying she's gonna be left handed :)
we got iphones! long overdue but it was hard to leave verizon.. my one concern is the reception at&t has, especially if colin starts traveling again. we know lots of guys who have had issues with that... argh. but we got the new ones so we have face2face so that will be fun to use. and i'm so in love with it it's crazy. i feel like i'm carrying around my mac! it's too cool.... i mean, i'm playing games of scrabble right now with friends on my phone. SOLD! haha. i'm very excited about having better quality pictures and storage of pictures and video.. still figuring it out but it's fun. not sure why this video is showing such a small screen... but yah, that's a little bit of her honky laugh.

on another note our community of friends and church have been hit with some intense pain and sadness as of late. it's been surreal.. brokenness and spiritual attack, cancer and sickness, parents sick and dying, marriages hurting and the like. everyone is working hard to love and give and help in what ways we can, but many things aren't fixable or controllable. we have to walk it out and it hurts. prayers are appreciated for my friends. thank you.

i swear saylor gets more attractive every day

she loves to lift those legs up! working on rolling over soon

Monday, August 2, 2010

2.5 kids

clover is going to be 11 weeks this week so i know i don't need to make a decision today. however, i keep thinking and wondering and trying to decide...should we have 3 kids? when she first arrived, it was so easy i was laughing and totally ready to have the 3rd. and now i'm unsure again. our plan is to just wait and see how strong the urge gets :) i know the feeling- your baby is 2, a toddler and you start to ache for a newborn..

i always wanted 4, scaled back to 3, NEVER wanted 2.
2 seems lonely to me, and also it's what 'everyone else' is doing and i tend to go against the flow :)
i'm still young, there's 'time' to have a 3rd.
another child to 'bounce off' of saylor and clover so they have more than just each other
a potential sister for clover [or brother for saylor], i want to give that to them.
able to give birth one more time!
able to be pregnant/feel a baby move inside me one more time
i love, love, love babies
3 feels more like a family in my mind, and i don't want to someday regret not having a 3rd just because i was too selfish or something
the idea of only 2 kids genuinely makes me a little sad

have to be pregnant again [bluuuuurg]
have to raise a toddler again [exhausting to me]
would have to get a bigger car
harder to get a babysitter/harder to have parents watch all of them
house situation? i like our house, like having a housemate.. 3 kids would be harder for anyone to live with us, plus 3 kids sharing one room??
i like that we are still young and it's very appealing to think of being done having kids. i still feel 'free' and connected to the world.. i like the idea of say and clo growing up and 'hanging out' with us...going to shows and such
can travel easier with 2- take one with us, leave the other one. leave both with family.. or even taking both- easier than adding a 3rd child for sure.
we have 2 great kids, scary to toss the dice again... like the idea of being able to invest and connect more with them 2 and not frazzle/wear myself out.
the idea of 3 kids is exhausting and i feel like it will cement me as a 'mom' and i may 'lose myself'...

basically 2 and a half kids would be perfect. :) it all depends on what colin's doing, what we are feeling in the next couple years. i don't mind waiting a while and then just having one more although i was always saying 3 before 30... but i dunno! 2 sounds lovely.. i still kinda want 3... i'm thinking about this too much i need to somehow block it from my mind for a good year and a half or so!

chubby arms and smiles


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

how to store produce

always wondering how to best store things, found this list. only thing that isn't included is knowing to keep some produce apart. like i think bananas cause other things to ripen quicker if they are sitting together?? i also am always hearing different advice on apples. roomp temp, or fridge. we tend to leave ours on the counter.

Citrus-room temperature.use within two weeks. do not store in plastic bags.

Berries and Cherries-covered in the fridge. don’t wash until you use them.

Avocados & Bananas-room temperature.

Apples-fridge, stored loose. use within a month.

Eggplants, Potatoes, Onions, Winter Squash, Rutabagas, & Sweet Potatoes-
moderately cool-counter, in a cupboard or basket.

Apricots, Peaches, Pears, Nectarines, Mangoes, Kiwis, Plums and Melons should be ripened before refrigeration, stored in plastic bags when ripe.

Tomatoes-uncovered at room temp, can be refrigerated if very ripe.

--All other fresh vegetables belong in the refrigerator--

Green Beans and Peas-in plastic bags or containers. they’ll last 3-5 days in the fridge.

Corn keep in its husk in the fridge. eat as soon as possible.

Carrots, Radishes, Turnips, Beets, and Parsnips-store in plastic bags. they’ll last two weeks in the fridge. take tops off carrots before storing, leave greens on radishes, turnips and beets, with both roots and tops in the bag.

Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts, Scallions, and Summer Squash will last 4-7 days in plastic bags in the crisper.

Spinach, Kale, Chard, Lettuce, Salad Greens, and Cooking Greens have the same crisper, keep in plastic bags. any bunch greens can be freshened by cutting an inch of the bottom stalks and soaking the entire bunch in cold water for 10 minutes. Place in a plastic bag in the fridge for a few hours to revive.

Peppers, & Cucumbers-store in crisper

Cauliflower, Fennel, Artichokes and Leeks wrap in plastic and use within a week.

Cabbage and Celery fridge life of up to two weeks. wrap celery in plastic.

HERBS: Parsley and Cilantro are best with bottoms of stems trimmed, placed upright in a jar of water in the fridge. Basil can be stored upright in a jar of water at room temperature, or in an open bag on the counter. all do well frozen also (they will lose texture but not taste).

Thyme and Rosemary store in the fridge in bags for up to a week, after that they can be brought out onto the counter to dry. dry herbs should be stored tightly in a jar

Asparagus use within 2-3 days, wrap in a damp towel and store in plastic bags or bins.

Mushrooms cool, dark place in a bag. do not wash until ready to use.

Ginger will keep in the fridge for a week or two, but for longer term should be frozen in a bag or jar. you can easily grate the root direct from the freezer.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

awkward nursing 101

went out to an awesome dinner last friday night. it was for one of my best friend's parents 30th anniversary and it was basically a bunch of people who have known me since the day i was born. which is neat, all the 'older people' passed around clover the whole night- and that's surreal because they held me when i was her age. i hope to hold jayme's granddaughter one day...anyway she was 7 weeks and when saylor was 7 weeks old i remember attending a wedding with him and we left because he started fussing. it was definitely overwhelming. this time around? i'm not fazed or overwhelmed. [it does help that clover is insanely easygoing though]. so i'm not overwhelmed but that's not to say things are never awkward. you gotta just go with the flow, laugh things off and be prepared to get creative and/or make do with what your situation is. and enjoy the awkwardness. that's my best advice i can offer as a parent. remain nonchalant when your child has a huge meltdown and you have to leave a store, laugh when they poop all over you and expect them to dump a box of crackers in the car. they will throw up on their car seat, break something in someone else's house, scream and cry through an entire 30 minute car ride, pee on you.. [these are just the baby years, what do we have coming when they are teenagers? i hope i can still laugh then...]
so we are having a great time, saylor's home sleeping and pooping on our new couch with my brother [another story for another day] but of course at some point clover needed to eat. so before our food came i decided to feed her. did not even occur to me until that moment that this was easier said than done. A- i'm wearing a dress that is nearly impossible to nurse her in. easiest way would be to lift my dress up.. couldn't really attempt either way while sitting at our table there... B- tiny bathroom. small sink, basically standing room only and then two stalls with doors to the floor so you don't even know if someone's in there. didn't really want to nurse on the toilet and have people repeatedly knocking or trying to come in. C-our car? no dice, it was far, far away in a parking garage. whatever, i'm cas, i'm not fazed. a family friend was walking around with her outside of the restaurant- there was a huge fountain and a bridge and such, very pretty. so i walk way out to him and get her and only then realized what i took with me. my cardigan, my phone, and my keys. what the heck my keys!? why michelle, why.and my tiny little cardigan, not her nice sized blanket that would cover me. no, a tiny little cardigan. i proceed to try to find a secluded area to nurse. there are people all around, i end up climbing over this flower bench thing and sitting on a wet picnic table. pretty sure the guy lounging behind me saw my boobs a few times... and the fun time i had trying to get access to them... i had a huge chunky/in the way necklace on, i was sweating and may have ripped my dress trying to-get access. all this while trying to remain semi covered with my tiny little cardigan. i also continued to text my friend updating her on the awkwardness that was occuring. it helps that i love awkward/embarrassing situations but it was good times. the whole night was so fun. we stayed out late and then yah, we came home to a smelly couch and spent an hour trying to fix that [success. and then clover slept a 9 hour stretch! from all that partying] just gotta roll with the flow and know that your kids will always throw you for a loop.
ps this may seem like having children or breastfeeding is stressful or too difficult. i give you my promise they are both SO entirely 1000% worth it. and then some.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

excerpts from 2005

found a little notebook from 2005... some highlights from it..

sasha, camilla
dorian, simone
saylor, ella
annabelle, ava
logan?, maeve
olivia, grace, hope
roma, amelia

i love that we named our son saylor dorian.. and i have a friend who has named her girls ella and olivia. we considered roma for clover's name.. i still love it.

i have several lists of movies i want to see [liminy spicket, the aviator] and books to read [normal girl, who moved my cheese]... then

reusable cat litter liners?
crochet how to, ideas

then there's this, i have no idea, feel free to help me's gonna bug me..
nell/let's? kill the calfparts nic cage board game with jared babysitting, soft baby dream 1-6-5
---whaaaaaa???? maybe it was a dream? yes it was a dream! cuz i underlined the word dream. still don't remember or understand what i wrote though numbers...
and a list of things to do while colin's gone.. i did this all the time
bookstore, clean apartment
vaccuum car, read
library, movies
online, dollar theater
workout, thank you cards
go thru boxes at parents
put away christmas
devotions, quiet time
play piano
write letters 2: kristin

i love peanutbutter
i love getting the mail
i still miss my 1st cat, but i love my 2nd.
i spill my drinks [coffee/ice] all the time

sermon notes...

words i like- obligatory, shish kabob

i drink the last of my drink thru my straw so quickly- it burns if it is pop and i can hardly swallow it. why? b/c i so anticipate the end of the drink where it makes the loud noise and i only get a bit of the drink. i love that noise. but almost immediately i regret drinking so much at once, as it was not enjoyable and i am sad my drink is gone. i try to get a good sip and can still enjoy the sound. a refill typically follows, but it is invariably a lesson never learned. the sound, the feeling of the 'end of my drink' will excite me and i will likely gulp too much to get it again. 1-7-5

unscathed, i've come out with bruises not scars. how do i hate what you love. you test my faith and kill my trust. i've learned persistence and consistency. but i have to let go.

i think i'm attached. and i know i fear. you are beside me yet i wonder. comfort and heal me, take control. i try to have control.

colin's dads credit card info and SSN...

another whaaaa??----
vanna dean kayaking orange blue red slippers big sport RAPIDS 1

a list of times crossed out while working [at the horrible huntington]..counting the minutes literally.

list of how much i'd payed my sisters credit card [we put our honeymoon on her no interest credit card. it was $2100, we owed $1625 when i made the list]

$60 a month in groceries
40 hounddogs
44 girl/guys night
30 eat out other
16 eat out alone
190 a month in food at most! put in folder-use only cash only!!

[this is the weirdest food budget i've ever seen. kinda embarassing! haha how and why did i come up with $44 and $16??]

several lists of paychecks and where the money was going including $160 for colin's hospital bill [he got very sick on our honeymoon and spent a night in the ER the day we came home!] $560 for rent, $92 for verizon [our phone bill is cheaper now! nice]

tofu-sausage, hot dogs
boca burgers
peanut butter
egg beaters
deli turkey, deli chicken
fruit, frozen veggies

[we eat so different now]

flabbergasted, pickle, gregarious, marsupial, horseradish, bacon, shishkabob

worcestershire, booger, corny, 'neked', 'warsh'

colin's and i scoring for a scrabble game... 20 questions game with colin


Hilary's prayer 1-2-5
you are not alone in what you see. bless my sensitivity. encourage my spiritual gifts. the separteness, he sin..what's holding me back, rebuked enemy, lies, prayed for the lord to fill the holes..replace thoughts..i am not alone..

that's most of it.. ok sorry i had too much fun reading it!! i love it! i realize it's probably not interesting to other people but i like going back in time in my little world...

Monday, July 5, 2010

my little epiphany

i was thinking the other day about the music i used to listen knowledge of music was extremely limited [still is embarrassingly, my only saving grace is being married to colin] there was country, oldies, rap, classical, 'christian' music and then 'popular' music, the top 40.. casey kasem... that's all i knew, so i listened to WNCI and i liked it. i started to like it because it recognized it. now there was some ok stuff on there- no doubt, alanis morissette and n'sync, right?! :) but i would also listen to like.. smashmouth..i wasn't annoyed by any of the songs, only if i'd heard them too much. but then.. praise the lord, i started dating colin. and of course his was traveling as soon as we started dating so naturally he made me a mixed tape to be reminded of him [yes TAPE. also he didn't have a cell phone when he started touring, he'd have to borrow one or use a pay phone!! aaahh haha no way i'd survive that today] so i memorized those tapes.. what's this?! weezer!? the get up kids?! he buys me jimmy eat world, clarity. we listen to rufus wainwright in a car. and my life was changed- by rufus and damien rice, muse and mars volta. OH MY WORD. MUSIC!!!!! beautiful, soulful, real music that i hear the lyrics to and i weep! i dance... i blast, i put on repeat... my eyes were opened. and now i cannot tolerate the other music of course. it's like i hear things differently.
and the same thing happened with food. spent my life eating typical american food and i loved it- loved nutter bars and dr.pepper... and then somewhere along the line we learned about food, the importance of a healthy, organic diet..and we started eating real food. real peanut butter! ice cream with fresh, real ingredients! and of course more importantly- quality produce. the food we eat now.. SO good. SOOO good. so that processed and artificial treats genuinely taste gross. i'm not trying to avoid 'bad' food, i sincerely do not like the taste of it.
and so, these things of course make me think of jesus, and a life with him. people can go through life feeling content and finding 'happiness' in what's in front of them.. but encountering jesus, living a life to serve him. WOW. not saying it will be pure happiness all the time, of course it is hard sometimes- but beyond that and often because of that it is so much more.. REAL. genuine. purposeful. better quality of life.. all of that! my life is so rich with jesus. and i'll never go back.

Friday, June 25, 2010


i'm a pessimist. how this looks on me... i'm not an excitable person- i don't squeal, jump up and down or act overly emotional about anything. i don't receive compliments very well- it's super hard for me to just say thank you- i usually explain away the compliment or say thank you as if i don't believe it. if someone asks how i am, it's hard enough for me to say 'good'- don't ever expect to hear me say 'great'.. i just have a hard time admitting/acknowledging/allowing myself to feel happy or content. it feels superstitious or something.i also complain a lot. too much. but again, that's part of my pessimism. i always state the worst thing first, i have to acknowledge it before i can move on and say the positive things. i play devil's advocate a lot too with people. so if they are saying something they are excited about i will mention the downfalls of it. i'm a hypochondriac so i'm always mentioning any and every ailment i feel in my body. i'm indecisive and noncommittal. think that's somehow the pessimism again- i can't get excited, can't say YES because what if something happens and it doesn't work out? i agonize over decisions, regret ones we've made and usually let other people decide the small ones for me. i'm a people pleaser and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so i will bend over backward and suffer silently for the sake of other people's comfort. i'm not good at initiating and i don't really enjoy talking on the phone except for a few people. i'm not good at saying 'i love you' or receiving/giving hugs, again except for a few people. i'm opinionated and sometimes i think i talk too much about my things/my life/my beliefs. i'm an anxious person. i'm sensitive and can easily get in a moody funk. i over think everything. i don't clean well and i don't make much of an effort to cook. i'm messy, i'm lazy, and i'm selfish.
how, how how... does my husband love me? do i have any friends? i am truly thankful that my community sees me, they see all of me, they know me and still love me. i'm truly thankful to have jesus who knows me more than i know myself. he knows me before, he knows me today and he knows who i will become. i'm thankful jesus brings this to the surface for me. i'm not down on myself, i don't hate who i am or my life.. but i'm aware of these shortcomings and i know there is more...and even new ones will come. i want to work on these things. i want to keep changing, keep growing, keep refining myself. please lord.
despite this, oddly enough... i am very content and i do like myself. i'm secure in who i am and i've been able to see how i've grown and overcome in some of these areas...two steps forward, one step back...i will keep trying and please feel free to keep me accountable and call me out on my crap. i need it :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

rocking clover

i'm holding my little peanut with one arm and leg and typing with one hand. clover is 4 weeks old as of yesterday and doing amazing. she still is quite chill and easygoing.
milestones- well not really milestones but a description of clover at 4 weeks-
she's around 9 and a half pounds, i think [from weighing myself and then weighing again holding her]
20 inches [my mom and i measured her because she looks so much longer!]
besides her 5 hr stretch of night sleep when she was still jaundiced, her longest stretch has been 4 and a half hours. she's had two 4 hour stretches... but it's usually 2-3 hours still with occasional 3 and a half.. or 1 hour stretches! first thing i do when i hear her grunting and rooting around is look at the time. sometimes she grunts for awhile and falls back asleep for a few minutes so yes... i'm awake a lot. but thankfully she hasn't cried at night yet so that's cool. i am very tired but it's manageable. my back hurts so bad though! just from rocking her and nursing her in awkward positions. argh.
didn't starting spitting up until 2 days ago, i thought i was home free! and then it started. not too much far.
she really is so great at just laying around and looking about during her awake periods. she of course sometimes gets restless like she can't get comfortable and starts fussing a little- she often does this from around 8-10 before falling asleep for the night. and THIS is when i bust out my skills that we learned from the happiest baby on the block. this book is a MUST READ for anyone with a newborn! we have the book of course, and today i just watched the dvd of it... so good! love harvey karp.
is grunting and hooting and hiccuping still, but less often.i love the hoots.
ok i started using two hands but she started fussing so back to one hand i go.
my sweet girl. i love having a daughter. having a second baby has felt SO different to me, i'm constantly reflecting on how it feels. i didn't feel like i instantly bonded to her, but i still felt crazy love for her. hard to explain. i think it's partly because i've gotten to know saylor for 3 years..i don't know, it wasn't as emotional or overwhelming so it felt more nonchalant? like when saylor was 2 weeks old i could barely stand to be in a different room with him, but when clover was only a few days old i easily left her to go get ice cream with saylor.. but i'm loving how easy it feels.. anyway i've talked to some other mom friends who can relate. one friend said for awhile whenever there would be something sad about children on tv or something she would only think of her first child and not her second and it worried her that she loved her first child more- but of course this changed, particularly as her second child grew and his personality emerged. regardless, i haven't been concerned about my feelings, it was just interesting. and it's been fun falling in love with her. at first it was like i kept trying to figure out what she looked like.. and now she is so beautiful and lovely to me, like i'm getting to know her...mmmm and it's good.
aaand she's asleep now, down for the night.

she has had two baths so far and she loves them!
oh and some saylor quotes..
'mommy, did god make my nipples?'
'amber loves our tire swing and you know what else she loves? our red couch. let's talk about mailboxes'

making a pb&j all by himself he said 'am i a grownup now?

Monday, June 7, 2010

night life of a mother

yesterday we had a baby shower for amber, it was a sweet time. i was officially starting to feel tired.. like first time i'm noticing feeling it since clover has been born. but i still decided to go out to eat with some friends after the shower. so colin took saylor home and clover and i went out... came home so tired and then this is how my night went:

9:45pm home

10:00 clover is passed out after a good nurse, diap change and swaddle [put her in packnplay next to our bed]

10:30 bed after talking to colin, reading 'the help'.. clover's been doing 3 hour stretches, always praying for a 4 hour...

12:30 clover's grunting and rooting.less than 3 hours, oy.nurse [and read the help], bathroom, peek on saylor, back to sleep at 12:45ish

2:30 gruntgrunt root root.. 2 hours again? hear her fill her diaper. unswaddle, change, reswaddle, nurse, back to sleep 2:50 or so

3-something i hear a squak and grunt, look at her [with my cell phone as a flashlight of course] and she's sleeping.

4:30 saylor to his room, he has his water but wants 'cold water from the fridge'. i say no to this, not during bedtime. he insists he wants it, i tell him no and hafta get serious with him. he consents, drinks his 'warm' water, i rub his back and sing 'ABC's' to him. bathroom [is there a better word to use than pee?! toilet? go potty?!], then back to bed

5:30 gruntgrunt rootroot. bring her to bed with me, nurse while laying down

6:30 grunt hoot grunt and spit up. she's only spit up a couple times. wipe her face a little,tuck the burp cloth under her, fall back asleep

7:30 gruntgrunt trying to get out of her swaddle. waking up. unswaddle her, she fills her diap, change her- her cord is off! but gross i don't know where it is at the moment. nurse her, she fills her diap again, nice. change diap. now she's awake and alert, i give up trying to fall back asleep.

now it's 8:29am and i've turned on the today show, she's chillin' in her boppy and i see saylor still asleep on the monitor.
i think this is the most i've been awake at night since she's been born.eyes are burning... quite tired. but still it's not bad- clover knows her days and night and sleeps well. and she doesn't cry, she just grunts at this point in time, which i find awesome. and saylor's a great sleeper, and though he occasionally cries for things, i prefer it to him getting up and coming to our room.
oh boy, lots to be done, but i just want to nap! here we go

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

out of the mouths of moms

i love this! out of the mouths of moms, a blog carnival started by mckmama. i am constantly amused by the things i hear myself and colin saying.
saylor is insisting on being called a certain name all the time. usually it's little mermaid or darth vader. so there times when we mean business and so we are sternly saying 'little mermaid go potty now, it's time for bed' or he corrects me even if i'm talking to someone else- 'yah saylor and i were at the park' no it's little mermaid! 'i mean little mermaid and i were at the park'
things we've said this week

'no you can't nurse her. ok well you can try if you want'

'yes that tiara looks beautiful on you'

'yes i believe joker has a penis. no i don't know what color it is'

'buddy it's not scary to go poo-poo it's so fun! i do it every day. it's so relaxing, and then you can look at it. it's just like peepee coming out. let's do it together'

'no i don't have a penis. because girls don't have penises.'

'saylor don't lick the wall. because it's yucky. because there's germs. saylor stop. it's not funny. ok no more. if you do it one more time you'll get a time out'

'no lightening isn't scary it's cool it's like batman and flashing and superheroes' [what am i saying?! sometimes i just don't make sense on purpose and hope it works well enough for him ha!]

'buddy let's just have no more questions for a little bit. because i'm a little bit tired. no i'm not frustrated i just need some quiet for a minute. because i said so. i love you too honey. i'm driving. i'm not doing anything, i'm just driving. let's turn up the music. no daddies song isn't on right now. no i can't make it come on. it comes on at different times. i'm sorry i can't. no i can't make it come on. we can listen to it at home. ok let's just be quiet now for a minute.'

'saylor you need to put your underwear on now. i'm sorry ariel, please come put your underwear on right now. right now. if you get your underwear and shorts on you can have a piece of gum'

seriously i could go on and on and on... i'll start writing more down. it's a fun age, 3, they ask questions nonstop and they are so free in their thinking and playing... it's just so random and ridiculous sometimes! and of course with a boy, a lot of penis talk!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

one week

last wednesday at this exact minute we were praying my contractions would start to kick here i sit with a boppy and little clover belle curled around me. i swear, i swear, she laughed this morning in her sleep. her smile is awesome and cheesy and huge and dimples.
our first week home has gone great, don't want to speak too soon but i think it's easier having your second child. we weren't anxious/nervous with saylor but it was still new and the schedule/lifestyle/taking care of a person was overwhelming and a huge change. this time it feels much easier/smoother. she's great, she hasn't even cried yet really, except the occasional 5-10 second squack. i don't think that's a word but.. maybe it should be. people say to nurse jaundice babies a ton but this is easier said than done because jaundice will often make them very sleepy. she nurses for 2-4 minutes and is completely passed out. her second night home i had to wake her to feed her. this has led to some painful engorgement [though otherwise her latch is great and it doesn't hurt to nurse yay] and she and i are in the habit of often nursing every hour just so she gets something, i am going to have to work on getting to her stay on longer and space the hours out.. but regardless i know she's getting enough and saylor was never a long nurser either. 8-10 mins was a solid time for him.
we took her to doc monday as recommended plus we all could see she was still pretty yellow. they tested her bilirubin again and it had gone up again to 12.2 [when we left it was 11]. 12.2 is in the low risk category but they wanted to check her again today to make sure it's remaining stable and sure enough she is ok. it is 10.6 today. doctor said no more testing her, girl's gone through enough! well ok in a couple weeks they will do a complete blood count one more time to make sure it's all working and flushed out or whatever and check her anemia as she's a little anemic right now. then it will be done.
it's been amazing having colin here and taking time off work. he's been taking care of saylor all day and i'm usually upstairs with clover, although i'm trying to get in face time with saylor too. hopefully i will heal soon [TMI warning: on a pain scale of 1-10.. when i pee... it's easily a 10... i'm like banging the walls and yelling sometimes. there's some small cuts/tears i think... it's like a knife tearing through me every time i pee, it's torture. i have to use the peri bottle 2-3 full bottles worth every time i go and that still doesn't ease it. i'm also using lavender oil, tea tree oil, ice, dermoplast, ibuprofen, warm baths...then after i go it's like.. a knife wound and it takes awhile to walk and find a way to sit down that isn't extremely painful. oh joy! it sucks.. and i'm a person that usually pees like twice an hour... so...yah] anyway colin will go fully back to work on monday and i'm trying to prep myself and am anticipating it to be hard. i haven't had any huge meltdowns yet. i cried for a few minutes in the hospital about being sad that it wasn't me and saylor anymore. and monday our doctor appt was frustrating and we did too much and i hadn't eaten all day and was in pain so i cried some then but otherwise i've been feeling pretty good. but i'm sure in the next few months as clover becomes more awake/particular and as i have to take care of both of them all day... aaaahhh! can't think ahead just have to take it one day at a time!
we've had plenty of visitors and meals have started and we are enjoying this honeymoon/newness period...
saylor today-'does the joker have a penis? what color is it?'
and he also made up a game called 'shark pad' you put a bunch of grass and mulch on the slide and then go down the slide. shark pad!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Clover's NICU visit

lights off, getting ready to nurse

so miss clover was born, everything was lovely, i held and nursed her all night. at 7am one of the best nurses in the world mary [katie's mom!] came to take care of me :) i had her with saylor too and she's incredible. as in- praying for me, massaging me, gave us a gift card to tim hortons [it's downstairs at the hospital], balloons, and of course lots of gentle TLC- letting me be as vulnerable as i need to be, physically and emotionally. so she comes at 7, right around the same time our pediatrician came to meet her as well. which was good timing. mary said her first thought when she saw clover was 'she's ORANGE!' i hadn't noticed, we had the lights real dimmed the whole night! but as soon as they mentioned it i saw it, wow. it's cause for concern especially for how young she was, only 14 hours old. they did a quick test to see her bilirubin numbers and it was 14. the ped. said she'd be a little concerned if it was 8 or 9 and she was 14! so the plan was to take her to the nursery and put her under a light and do a more thorough test. they put her under there for four hours, retested her and she was 16.8. not good!
babies can get jaundice for different reasons and in her case it turns out she is positive for something called coombs- i am O positive and her blood is B negative. basically my blood was binding to hers and attacking it in a sense. she needed help flushing out her system, and quickly. if it got out of control it could cause brain damage. they also took her WBC and it was elevated- normal range is 8-20,000 and hers was 43,000. the doctor said he thinks it was just because of everything else going on in her body, but there was a chance it could be from an infection of some sort. they took cultures but you don't get initial results on those for 24 hours so they say guilty until proven innocent and wanted to give her antibiotics. i was fine with this, i got nervous for a bit that it could have been a GBS infection, that i worked so hard and researched so much to avoid. but when the doctor said it likely was just from the jaundice i felt better. she needed to be moved to the NICU to be under three lights, and have an iV of immunoglobulin IgA i think, and then the antibiotics. they also had to give her formula- one as an added supplement to my colostrum to quickly flush her system out, two- they fed her under the lights [and gave her my pumped colostrum under the lights] they didn't want anytime out of there, and three- severe jaundice can make babies quite lethargic and she was, so that makes feedings more difficult. the doctor who initially explained all this to us was nice and thorough but he also was scary in a way saying things like 'we are driving fast down a hill and we are headed toward a cliff' and calling it a big fire and such. he actually really scared colin, but for some reason i was ok! i think it's a combo of it being my second child, having a sister that works in the NICU and sees this and much worse all the time, and knowing that they were taking care of things immediately so that something worse wouldn't happen. he said if her next numbers went up at all he would be prepping for a blood transfusion. [which sounds scary but again my sister was able to explain it to me and reassure me] 20 was the number he did not want to see.
so it was a strange day, you are all excited and anticipating visitors and holding her all day and it was certainly hard not being able to hold her or nurse her. we were just waiting and praying for that next result to see if what they were doing was working.
and it was! it went down to 13.9. the nurses were great in the nicu. one nurse told me they were taking bets on what her numbers would be, someone said 15, and the scary doctor said 17. he bet she would get worse! she proved them wrong. the nurses all loved and cooed all over her though and said she was amazing [which she is,of course :)]. her next numbers were 12.9 and few hours after that they were 11.9 and they were able to take her down to one light for awhile and after a few more hours turned that off, and then she was ready go to home. apparently i have a good chance of this happening with any future children as well, something confusing having to do with me and colin's blood... interesting.
we are thankful to all the nurses and docs in the nicu! we were able to come home on saturday early afternoon. clover actually gained an ounce [7lbs 6oz] with the fluids/supplements she was getting. hopefully can post better pictures soon, these are just from my phone..

our little squash, getting her tan on. it was really sad not being able to see her eyes- and she had this big 'tan line' of yellow around her eyes where the glasses were, it was funny

they gave her this paci with sugar water on it when they had do IVs or any blood testing/poking.

down to one light

daddy love

getting ready to leave

Friday, May 21, 2010

Clover Maybelle

Clover is here!!! and what a grand entrance she made! here is her birth story-and i'm sharing it all so don't read unless you like this kind of stuff....
wednesday morning at about 4am i woke up to my water breaking. gushing. while it was exciting [and messy] i was totally not expecting that to happen, usually your water doesn't break before labor. i've read countless stories of people's water breaking and they don't go into labor for days... i didn't want that to happen-first of all they say risk of GBS increases if your water has been broken for more than 18 hrs, and secondly i was having a hospital birth. hospitals want you to start labor within 24 hrs depending and they will induce you if necessary. i did NOT want to be induced. so of course i waited at home until labor kicked in. going to the hospital they would check you continually and that is where your risk of infection increases so i felt good staying at home. [your fluid replenishes itself-as i noticed because i kept gushing and leaking]. but it's an annoying waiting game- i wanted to have her soon because my favorite midwife was working until 6pm and then my least favorite one was working next. haha!
SO i feel a little braxton-hickish, a littly crampy. but if i layed down it would stop so i just kept walking around. we even went to the mall for a couple hours. this went on for awhile... there was occasional patterns to contractions but they were so mild i was hesitant to even call them real contractions. definitely not painful. around 2:30 colin and i prayed it would kick in and i also did some nipple stimulation. [google it, it's known to be very effective!] around 3ish i had a couple contractions about 10 minutes apart so i thought yah ok that felt real, but what if it fizzles out? we decide to go to the hospital. my mom gets saylor and we leave my house at 3:37pm, still hoping they don't fizzle out... texting people in the car, making jokes.
arrive, do the quick sign in and they take you to a room to verify you are in fact, in labor. now they are getting painful and i was all for being checked. i was about 3-4cm. i can't walk or position myself in any way to make them more bearable. i started throwing up intensely and i hated that!
i ask to go to the room with the tub for the unmedicated birth. at this point i did not know how long i would be laboring, of course. but the contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart already and lasting 45 seconds to a minute. it is becoming the worst pain EVER. no other way to describe it. i start begging for an epidural. this means i have completely lost control.. i mean really. i lost it. i started clawing colin, scratching and grabbing him and saying 'help help help help i can't do this' i was yelling and throwing up still. they check again and i'm about 4-5cm so i'm thinking this will be at least a few more hours and i said i need something, i don't care give me something. so they give me an iv of fluids so i could get an epidural. which probably was nice to have since i was throwing up so much anyway. but it takes about 30 minutes so i couldn't have an epidural until then. and i was a mess. had the shakes, sweating from throwing up.. i soon noticed that the contractions were not ceasing, they were coming one right after another- i was able to breathe through a couple and those were more bearable but i could not maintain my composure for long. finally they said ok someone is coming soon for the epidural and right when they said that i said 'I'M PUSHING!' and suddenly my body was pushing her out, it was incredible!
they look and said we're having a baby! and my [favorite] midwife left a woman who was pushing-told her to stop pushing!- and came to me! i apologize to that woman. she comes in and i pushed her out in about 5 minutes i think. i loved pushing- it was still painful but you could see and feel results, it was a new focus. and it felt GOOD in a way. i was sitting up, legs back [like bradley method recommends] so i had a great view and my midwife tiffany was awesome-too bad we didn't get to spend much time together! during contractions i had my eyes closed a lot so it was great to make eye contact with people and be able to respond to encouragement. it was entirely my body in charge, pushing her out. she came out and i could tell she was smaller than saylor! they had to rough her up a bit, she wasn't crying- kinda shocked from the fast delivery. i had a tear in the labia but otherwise was intact, thanks to tiffany's gentle care of me. she was born at 5:29. i mean REALLY. i wasn't even in the delivery room until 4:30 or so. it was less than two hours!
immediately after i felt so great and was apologizing to colin and the nurse who had been with us. they said i did great and laughed it off but i really felt i was out of control. i realize now that basically my entire labor i was in 'transition'. around 7-10 cm women hit transition and they often hit a wall of 'i can't go on i can't do this' and some throw up, get the shakes, etc. i've read you should be encouraged at that point because it means you are almost done. had i realized i was already at that point i don't think i would have begged for the epidural, duh. but again, you're in transition so that's where your mind is 'i can't do this'. i went from 5-10cm in such a short amount of time! my friend carriane had planned to be there as a support and when she walked in colin was holding clover! haha. colin was great with me though he let me claw him and he was good at encouraging me although it would have been nice if i had a doula or a midwife that was in my face more helping me breathe. it was the most painful hour i've ever had but it was hilarious at the same time and i love how it worked out. my mom's labors were the same and she was like 'don't you prefer that? it's awful but then it's done so quick'. i'm perplexed now at people who labor in the tub, walk around, sway and such. what are they feeling?! i didn't have contractions that gradually got stronger so like... all i felt was what people feel at their hardest moment right before they push!
[with saylor i was [unnecessarily] induced and had an epidural that didn't work at first then they tried again and it numbed my contractions but not my legs- just half of me. so i did get to feel it all when i pushed as well, though they also gave me an episiotomy and i was laying back more so it was more painful than satisfying].
clover maybelle was 19 inches and 7lbs 5oz. i thought for sure she'd be at least 8, it's funny how small she is to us!
she had a rough bout of jaundice and we are staying in the hospital an extra night but i will explain all that in the next post. and i will work on getting some good pictures up too!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

i am SO pregnant

38 and a half weeks pregnant with baby girl = heartburn, constant braxton hicks, paaaain down there, can't breathe, can't sleep, feet hurt, nothing to wear... etc, etc...
however. i am suddenly patient. [unless we hit june, then i'll be annoyed that i haven't had her. before june, little one, pleeease!] this whole pregnancy i've been quite impatient, staring at my planner, counting the weeks... and now we are in the sweet anticipating time.. and so i'm really trying to savor my time with my son, and enjoy being pregnant. ok the only enjoyable part is feeling her move around. i do love that. and just the general buzz of everyone around us excited and waiting... tim's sister was due the same day as me and she had her girl on sunday! i am doing everything i can to get her to come but time will tell...i want to say i enjoy the not knowing when feeling... i kinda do. and i kinda hate it at the same time. as much as i want to be a free spirit, casual person... i'm not! i'm totally a scheduler type. so i'm trying to be like 'this is fun, it could happen anytime!' but i'll suddenly get caught off guard and feel like 'oh crap this could happen anytime!' hard to explain. and i constantly am trying to get my ducks in a row but there seems to be about 1000 ducks and they keep wandering away or new ones appear. i need to chill and realize it's ok if we get curtains or clean the fridge AFTER she comes. the emotions are just hard to handle. excitement, nervousness, joy, fear, overwhelmed, peace, anxiety, anticipation...i am constantly feeling all of these and the roller coaster of those makes me wonder how do some women handle being pregnant so much? maybe it gets easier or you just get used to it. maybe they feel more peace and elation versus anxiety. but then the physical part? how does michelle duggar function being pregnant all the time!?!? i'm exhausted!
ah yes so this is all that is going on with me at the moment. can't sleep cuz i'm so uncomfortable yes, but also because my mind won't stop going. but i laugh when people who complain about being tired when pregnant... cuz it's a whole new lack of sleeping overwhelming mental exhaustion when the baby comes!
my son has been awesome. he is a huge snuggler and i love it 'give me a squeeze mommy.' 'lay your head on me mommy, i play with your hair' 'let's snuggle on the couch together' 'close your eyes mommy, let's snuggle' 'i love you, give me a kiss' everyday he says things like this! it's quite lovely. today he kept kissing me, and they were long kisses. then he said 'this is what little mermaid and the prince do' and oh dear does that mean he was pretending to make out with me? perhaps.
colin's parents got us these bootleg type dvds when they were in africa and we have a disc that has a ton of kid's movies on it, sweet! for awhile he could care less about tv/movies but lately he's gotten into movies again [just in time buddy] and so we've been watching little mermaid and beauty and the beast frequently, with occasional scenes of star wars. he also INSISTING on being called whatever character he decides he is and the most popular choices as of late are darth vader or little mermaid. if i say 'sit down hon it's time to eat' i hear 'it's not hon it's little mermaid'. it's pretty humorous he even corrects strangers who may say 'hey buddy'.. allll day long... and with little mermaid he insists we refer to him as 'she' as well. we are often characters as well, i'm flounder a lot and colin has been gaston, princess leia, whatever.. oooh i love him! i love everything about him. he reminds me SOOOO much of myself when i was little. every time his lip quivers if he is confused/scared/misunderstood it's like i have flashbacks i just know exactly how he feels and i SO remember feeling that way that way when i was really helps me remain patient with him and understand him... i love his heart.

amber and i. and baby girl and baby boy kye

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

my experience with GBS

last week i asked to be retested for GBS as i had tested positive in my urine early in my pregnancy. [a low count by the by- and i was prescribed antibiotics to take, but not told why i should take them. since i wasn't having symptoms i did not take the antibiotics and didn't even read up on why she prescribed antibiotics until later]. one midwife told me no. i asked someone else and they said sure. they say having it in your urine indicates a higher risk but if you look into that it is only because you are then assumed to have a high colonization. they say it 'indicates' or 'suggests' you will be highly colonized. i found this small study that retested women [vaginal swab at 35-37 weeks] who had it in their urine and only 30% were still GBS positive! the study concluded "genital tract cultures at 35–37 weeks for GBS correlate poorly with first trimester asymptomatic GBS bacteriuria. Recommendations for GBS prophylaxis in labor in women who have first trimester asymptomatic GBS bacteriuria should be investigated further and reconsidered".. as in you shouldn't just assume someone is highly colonized and give them antibiotics-the swab test right toward the end is a better predictor [although then it's not perfect, GBS is transient, it can come and go] yet this study was done in 2003, have any further studies or changes been made? not that i can find. so when i went to retest the nurse said 'um you know you are still going to be positive'...
which is frustrating but that's all she's been taught. i know more about GBS than any person should now, it's been exhausting.
there are a few risk factors that increase the chance of your baby getting an infection from GBS. now if i reached a point where the risk of infection was greater than the risk of antibiotics- i of course would opt for the antibiotics. but people need to take charge of their own health! there are risks with antibiotics! not only that, with me being allergic to penicillin, the antibiotics they would have to give me would be less effective in preventing an infection, and also increase her chance of getting e.coli or other infections...
there are also things you can do to help reduce the risk of infection in your newborn. while you can't always control preterm labor, fever during labor and premature rupture of membranes [or water being broken 24 hours+ before labor begins]- you CAN decline cervical checks [and/or sweeping membranes] and ask the baby not to be washed. cervical checks obviously can increase risk of infection and vernix has been found to inhibit growth of many bacteria, including GBS. duh. god knows what he is doing. in some countries it is standard that they don't bathe newborns until they are 3 days old.
in addition to that there are things you can do to eliminate the GBS you have in your body. there are LOTS of things you can do, easy google search will give you loads of info- but this is what i did- and will continue to do since i did test positive once, i am going to continue some of these things until/thru birth.
*daily probiotic supplement- i'm taking reuteri primadophilus pearls.. it 'colonizes in the intestine [where GBS is] and provides healthy benefits.'
-i will add that i read pepcid [not sure about other heartburn meds] would kill off the probiotic before it reached my intestines, so i've been steering clear of pepcid as much as possible as well. [at the least i take reuteri in the am and hold out till late evening for the pepcid.. my heartburn is awful!]
-i also have tried to reduce my sugar intake.. which is hard :)
*consistent with prenatals and add Vitamin C supplement. i am not doing this daily but occasionally.
*organic tampon with tea tree oil [diluted with organic olive oil] once a day for a few hours
* garlic suppository [sounds crazy but google it, it works. garlic is amazing. and for me i'd rather use/try something safe, natural and god made if it works before i resort to medicine where we don't always know all the side effects/long term effects etc]
*chlorhexidine - it's a chemical antiseptic and i'm thankful a friend let me borrow some she had, although it is easy to buy-look for the name hibiclens. i have done this a couple times but have it primarily to use during labor, i will 'wash' myself [like a bidet...] after each time i use the restroom while in labor.
*i also happen to have grapefruit seed extract [that we use in a mix for homemade fruit/veggie wash] and i may make a drink with 10-15 drops in there as it has antibiotic/antifungal properties to it
*on my own accord i am also using all natural [no added chemicals/bleach] panty liners and toilet paper. i have read nothing that would tell me this would help but it's just another thing i do to help be clean and safe down there.
ALL this to say, my test came back negative! is this because it is transient or because i have been taking action? i would say it is both. i would recommend to anyone whether they are positive or negative to take a probiotic supplement, decrease sugar intake, request minimal cervical checks, and don't bathe your baby for at least a day.
i feel quite comfortable with what i'm doing and declining antibiotics in labor [as hospital policy they still suggest i take them as i tested positive once.] the midwife i usually see was on par with me and was supportive and encouraging of what i was doing. there are actually several midwives in the practice i see, which is the only downfall to me. there are 2 that have been super supportive of me- one even suggested the garlic to me- 2 who are super nice and neutral in what i want to do, 1 who i felt treated me rudely, and 1 never met as she only works in their other location. PRAYING big time i am able to give birth with one of the two women who i connect with really well! but no matter what i'm still looking forward to it... :)

Monday, April 26, 2010

whaddya know

i wrote this jan 2009---
"there is a woman at colin's starbucks who is somewhat...prophetic or physic or what have you. i thought she was a christian but colin says he's not sure she is. regardless she reads people in a way, can get senses about people, has words for them or whatever. she does it very sporadically, will just come out and say something. when house of heroes was adding another member she said to colin ' your band's going through some big changes huh? bringing someone else in?' then another time when hoh was writing their new album she just said 'so you guys are writing some new music? it's pretty different from your other stuff isn't it.' she says it like she already knows, very confident. it's hilarious because it's so spot-on! SOOO today she orders her drink, starts to walk away and then comes back and says to colin 'i'm sensing maybe you guys are pregnant again or thinking about getting pregnant?' and colin just laughs and says we've totally been talking about trying soon and she goes 'yah i think it will be soon. i'm seeing may or june.' OH my lord! so crazy. i remember the first time she did this to colin he flipped out in the holy crap kinda way, but he says it's not as crazy to him anymore, but he definitely think she has some sort of gift, and he doesn't feel like an evil presence or anything so that's good. it's funny because if i don't factor in income/where we are going to live- may/june would be exactly when i'd want to get pregnant again.
we will see. but the yet to exist baby number 2 is being spoken of almost daily now... so. we will see. it's been interesting having the 'i'm a young woman, i want my freedom, etc' voice slowly and steadily being drowned out by my maternal desire to have another child, to grow our family and have a sibling for saylor....."

didn't know if her 'word' would mean we would get pregnant in may or what... but here we are having a baby in may/june [due toward the end of may]. so wild. we didn't remember this until we were pregnant again.
was reading some older entries where i talked about saylor and the words he says and such.. i need to keep recording these things! i did just buy a journal to write down funny things he says. a couple things i like
he calls a
piano is pih-nano
table is tavle
granola bar is gorilla bar
magazine is maza-geen
he is CONSTANTLY ASKING QUESTIONS to where i sometimes have to ask him to stop. bless his heart he is taking in the world right now but here's an example of a car ride
'mommy?' yes 'what are you doing?' i'm driving 'why' because i'm driving 'why' because i'm driving 'why?' because buddy, i'm driving 'how are you doing today?' i'm good how are you 'good. what's... what's that cloud look like' um a carrot 'yah! is a tree made of wood?' yes 'what else is made of wood?' you tell me 'is a mailbox made of wood?' yes 'did god make wood?' yes 'did god make metal?' um...yes 'did god make houses?' well he made people and people make houses 'do houses get bigger?' no, once they are built they stay the same size..
and ON and ON and ON... and sometimes i'm loving it and diving right in and conversing but naturally after 10 hours a day every day i have my moments of responding 'mmhmm' and he goes 'what did you say?' i said yah 'no you said mmhmm' oh sorry. 'why did you say that?' um, i don't know..
aaahh poor kid won't let me off the hook! i have a memory of saying 'mommm i scraped my knee!' and she went 'that's nice honey'.. i of course got all upset, she wasn't listening, how could she say that.. and oh my goodness i understand her now... all that to say i'm so thankful for my boy i LOVE what he thinks i love how he learns and i LOVE LOVE talking to him!!
and yes he is a boy- he's loving superheroes and star wars as of late. he asked
'did god make darth vader?' and 'does chewbacca eat pizza?'

Monday, April 12, 2010

baby shower party

my friend jenny worded this so well i just wanted to repost it...

my heart is so full right now.... it has something to do, actually a lot to do, with all of the good-natured people i spent the afternoon/evening with. i went to a party and i dont know, i just took in the group and felt so in awe of the group. how kind and sweet and generous the whole lot was. men who are wise and good to their ladies, playful and attentive to children who are or aren't even their own, women who are comfortable in their own skin, vulnerable and honest in conversation, able to drape their arms around their friends and be happy for the others fortune. i know of no cattiness among my friends. we just don't roll like that. my kids went gallivanting off in the woods with adults who they don't even know, but they instinctively trust to lead them around to and from the stream or to collect firewood for the pile. it felt good knowing that everyone there was someone i trusted on such a basic level, and that my kids knew that too.... a pack of children running around of various ages, faces smudged by s'mores and ash - could there be a more lovely sight? we left the party bellies and hearts full.... dang it i love my friends folks.

it was fun.. where are the pictures? argh don't think many were taken, blast it. we received many presents as well.. what in the world? genuinely didn't expect any, but we are oh so grateful and excited and appreciative... it was a night of comfort and love and really really good food of course.
sidenote---it's been an amazing month having colin home. i never knew what i was missing, and i mean that for real. same goes for saylor... it's still weird to let him take responsibility as a parent... it's hard to explain but i'll surely try to write about it some more.
here are a couple of the homemade gifts that i'm stoked on

made by our roommate's sister... i mean... yes.

my sister made her a blanket, oh i love it! and she made two, exactly the same. great idea!

painting by our illustrator friend christen. love

and yah that's right i'm just now noticing they are all birds. which is fine by me i love birds.
we are just about ready for this little girl to flip our world... we recently have changed our minds about her name! i was always bothered that there was a 'celebrity association' and was concerned about it becoming a trendy name. it's a great name but that kept grating on me... so we started thinking again and i think... i thiiiink we have our name for real now. i think. still working on a middle name :)