2.5 kids

clover is going to be 11 weeks this week so i know i don't need to make a decision today. however, i keep thinking and wondering and trying to decide...should we have 3 kids? when she first arrived, it was so easy i was laughing and totally ready to have the 3rd. and now i'm unsure again. our plan is to just wait and see how strong the urge gets :) i know the feeling- your baby is 2, a toddler and you start to ache for a newborn..

PRO CON LIST FOR HAVING A 3RD BABY
PRO
i always wanted 4, scaled back to 3, NEVER wanted 2.
2 seems lonely to me, and also it's what 'everyone else' is doing and i tend to go against the flow :)
i'm still young, there's 'time' to have a 3rd.
another child to 'bounce off' of saylor and clover so they have more than just each other
a potential sister for clover [or brother for saylor], i want to give that to them.
able to give birth one more time!
able to be pregnant/feel a baby move inside me one more time
i love, love, love babies
3 feels more like a family in my mind, and i don't want to someday regret not having a 3rd just because i was too selfish or something
the idea of only 2 kids genuinely makes me a little sad

CON
have to be pregnant again [bluuuuurg]
have to raise a toddler again [exhausting to me]
would have to get a bigger car
harder to get a babysitter/harder to have parents watch all of them
house situation? i like our house, like having a housemate.. 3 kids would be harder for anyone to live with us, plus 3 kids sharing one room??
i like that we are still young and it's very appealing to think of being done having kids. i still feel 'free' and connected to the world.. i like the idea of say and clo growing up and 'hanging out' with us...going to shows and such
can travel easier with 2- take one with us, leave the other one. leave both with family.. or even taking both- easier than adding a 3rd child for sure.
we have 2 great kids, scary to toss the dice again... like the idea of being able to invest and connect more with them 2 and not frazzle/wear myself out.
the idea of 3 kids is exhausting and i feel like it will cement me as a 'mom' and i may 'lose myself'...

basically 2 and a half kids would be perfect. :) it all depends on what colin's doing, what we are feeling in the next couple years. i don't mind waiting a while and then just having one more although i was always saying 3 before 30... but i dunno! 2 sounds lovely.. i still kinda want 3... i'm thinking about this too much i need to somehow block it from my mind for a good year and a half or so!


chubby arms and smiles

serene

diagnosis?

i've written off and on about feeling sick for the past few months. it's really hard to explain, and it still hasn't gone away. it's unbelievably frustrating and often scary. the main symptoms are nausea and lightheaded/headaches. it is quite debilitating. i don't have the energy or desire to do much as it exacerbates my symptoms [loud noises, bright lights, focusing on people makes my head swim and makes me nauseated]. from looking online the best answer i could come up with is some sort of inner ear disorder and yesterday a neurologist said he thinks that's what it could be. i had an MRI yesterday that came back looking good so now they want to test me for this inner ear thing. what i think it could be is called vestibular neuronitis and it says it usually clears up in 1-4 weeks or something but sometimes it lingers for months or years. i think it could be this as in the fall i had an ear infection then later my left ear was swollen and they didn't know why. so i think i somehow got some sort of virus that didn't clear up. i just want an ANSWER. i want a doctor to be able to confirm whatever it is and then help me.
we want to get pregnant again so i'm annoyed that my symptoms haven't fully cleared so when i'll get pregnant i'll just continue to feel nauseous, and i worry that my symptoms will worsen with pregnancy. i also am concerned about getting pregnant then the doctor prescribes some antibiotic or medicine that i can't take during pregnancy. my ear tests are next week but i don't have an appt with this specific doctor until the end of june. i cried when they told me that's the soonest i can get in. i do not want to wait that long- i know i haven't described this super well but if you think of it please pray-for healing first of all, and then that i can meet this doctor sooner than the end of june. that i will find definite answers and remedies soon.
saylor is amazing he learns new things everyday. yesterday i taught him the word 'sharp' and we talked about sharp objects. it's just fascinating to me, this age- they are sponges. i am so impressed with all he's constantly learning and i love his everyday he talks more clear and puts more words together. he loves having 'jare-bear' living with us. we love it too- hard to explain but it just works great for us, having a roommate. it goes along our lines of desiring community and sharing and all that too. after jared gets married we plan to have our friend alicia move in with us.
sun! warmth! windows open! flip flops! skirts! my favorite!

i gots lotsa leftovers

currently i have 26 items checked out at the library, 20 on reserve and 1 ready for pickup. it is good stuff.
thanksgiving was good but of course i didn't take any pictures. really gotta start just throwing my camera in my purse.
we went to colin's parents house first. jared's girlfriend was with us and she's pretty amazing. and the priors were there, friends of the family [whom i love partly because they have sweet new zealand accents, but mostly because they are just pretty awesome people]...
we played a cool 'game' that beth had just explained to me on the phone- everyone takes a piece of paper and writes a random phrase [i.e. the easter bunny scared the children.] then you pass your paper to the person next to you and they draw a picture of what the phrase is saying. then you pass it on and the next person writes a phrase describing what the picture is- but you keep folding the paper so the person can only see a phrase or a picture. you keep it going pretty quickly and we just stopped when we got to the end of a piece of paper. this all sounds random but it's pretty hilarious. it's funny to see how a phrase evolves and becomes something so different. it was fun with colin's family because they are seriously so artistic they can actually draw something completely random and have their picture be understood. i loved coming up with random lines. colin was next to me and he would pass these crazy pictures- i remember writing-'the bandana-crotch man protested his shackles' and 'the sexy pig came onto the indifferent chicken' i also got the phrase from colin's dad 'a viagra nightmare' what the heck was i supposed to draw?! i can't draw at all, in the least. anyway. fun, easy game. will play again.
we then went to my sister's house for thanksgiving #2. it was nice to have it at her house. i thought surely i'd be too full to eat anything but i before i knew what was happening i ate two plates at her house.. good stuff! we had a 'kid's table' set up for emily and saylor and emily's cousin jack. saylor was only one who wasn't too sure of it, but i was loving it. i can't believe i have a boy who is sitting at a kid's table. i still feel like i should be sitting at the kid's table.
yesterday we had thanksgiving #3 with my dad's side of the family. saylor randomly did not really get a nap in [he just talked and played in his crib for an hour and a half and we couldn't wait any longer] so he was kind of out of sorts. but he loved luke and sam- the two big doggies. and he loved playing with his cousin leilani [she is four and she just pulls him around and he happily follows]. my step-brothers worked very hard at winning him over and i think brian had the most success pretending to be the count from sesame street. we finally had to leave when saylor couldn't keep it together any longer, he fell asleep 5 minutes into our ride home and i put him to bed as soon as we got home-at 6:20! haha.
i was thankful to have colin here this year because he wasn't home for thanksgiving last year. but i actually totally forgot that until colin said something about it. it's funny how the years blur together.
i think the best part of the week was my friends heather and christina getting engaged! [i mean, not to each other]. heather and christina live together and both knew at some point they would be getting engaged. the funny thing was their men going to buy the ring and arriving at the same jewelry store, at the same time! we all found that pretty funny. so nick proposed tuesday night and seth proposed wednesday morning. SO happy for all of them, can't even explain my heart feelings. they are all four amazing people and we are so beyond excited for them. thank you lord!
alright i have a couple random phone pictures of saylor and leilani...

milk!

Snowville Creamery now has their milk at whole foods! I have been driving to giant eagle solely for this milk that I discovered a few months ago. I think it is the best milk that can be bought at a store. come to find out colin's bro jared has been buying it too and from whole foods.yaaay! i didn't realize it was there now too.i just wrote them an e-mail telling them how grateful i am for their milk. is that weird? quite possibly.
saylor has started sleeping in till 9:15 or so again, and before he was just waking up around 8:15-8:45.we still put him down around 7. i love that he loves to sleep! i am at my mom's house right now and he and emily are actually playing...and, holding my breath- getting along. they had a fight a few minutes ago where emily grabbed his paci and he retaliated [maybe the first time he's defended himself?] and threw a block at her head. no saylor! all is well for the moment.
at the park the other day-saylor is loving basketball lately.

right now


the other night at church. saylor is the cool kid that gets to get on stage and play drums just like his daddy and grandude. and he runs right up there as soon as i get him from sunday school. [nursery? sunday school? at what age do i start saying sunday school? haha]
amusing tidbit- my in-laws are in brazil at the moment and colin and i have stayed at their house a couple times cuz... well if you've been there, you know. its like a vacation house. so.... i leafed through judy's closet and have been wearing her clothes! whaddya know, her jeans fit me perfectly.. i've been enjoying telling people 'this is my mother-in-law's outfit'. she's got some cute clothes!

sleepy

awesomefest was a success! well actually i failed at it a bit but the fest itself was wonderfully pulled off. we arrived at 5:45am after only a couple hours sleep the night before [colin had a show and didn't get home until 2am]. there were 16 people doing the bike ride.i was prepared to trail behind but did not know i would wuss out and not be able to do it all! i was feeling ok, just couldn't breathe very well from stupid asthma and maybe the fact that i didn't really train at all,ahem.. we had a quick water stop about a 1/3 of the way in and i felt so dizzy and thought i was going to throw up.i definitely felt a little embarassed but there was nothing but love from people. that's when i notice the difference with our friends who know Jesus. they were so considerate of my feelings,making sure i was ok. i had to make a decision quick whether i kept riding or stopped and certainly it was awkward as they took effort to stuff my bike into the car of the water-people...then i got in the car with two people i barely knew. oh but it makes me laugh now. they rode another 10 miles and we met up with them again and i finished the last 10 miles or so! so i did about half of it and a guy looked at my bike and said 'you know you have terrible tires for this ride.' i was the only one with the thick mountain bike type tires [borrowed the bike from my mother in law, what do i know?!] he said having better tires makes a significant difference and i was working twice as hard and he hoped that made me feel better. it did. nick kept saying the real hard part of this all was watching all 6 Rocky movies. I loved them though! not gonna lie, i cried at the end of the second one 'yo adrian! i did it!' [fun trivia-adrian-talia shire- is jason schwartzman's mother! who knew? colin did]... didn't get to catch the 6th and most recent one though as we were getting tattooed. will have to rent it.

not a fan of my legs here but it's the angle, eh? yay awesomefest 2008!!! good people, good food..good silent auction, great tattoos.. good times. my hubs!!

me and aunt B being goofy

went to michigan yesterday with the guys for a show. i got to spend some QT with my sister steph and my dad and nancy.
they watched saylor while steph and i went to the show.

i think they look alike!
saylor got to spend some time with cousin leilani too, who just turned 4. it was so fun to see them together! he followed her around and did what she told him to. makes me see how a second child will be easier in that sense- you can let the two kids play together and the older one looks after the younger one.

saylor did SO well on the trip! and the guys enjoyed him as well, he was one of the boys. our only snag was colin forgetting to pack the packnplay. aagh! i was prepared to just buy one at target then return it the next day but my sister noticed a neighbor of hers had kids and she kindly asked the stranger if she had a packnplay and if so could she borrow it. and the woman named bethany said yes. how nice! steph has lived there barely a month too so i think that's very kind of bethany. i wrote her a thank-you card. and saylor slept in the packnplay, in steph's closet till a lovely 9am so we were very pleased!