not fishing, just venting

going through another 'season' of sadness.i've got the blues.finally can't deny it after i look at our dirty carseat and my first thought is 'im a failure i can't even keep things clean' and i burst into tears. i am certainly familiar with anxiety but my feelings as of late are more sadness and this huge stamp of insecurity [with a crazy dose of indecisiveness].i'm a people pleaser and i don't want anyone going out of their way for me so this is not helpful come time of me crying and wanting someone to talk to.i have so many wonderful girlfriends who i know would listen but it's hard for me to just let go and let it all out and when i try it feels halted and sounds petty...so all my girls who have cried to me please know i respect you for it and appreciate that you value me to confide to me...
oooh i should so see a counselor.
i think one of the reasons God put me and colin together was to force me to be more independent.i grew up surrounded by girls i've known since birth and we always did everything together.those friendships changed and i got married to a guy who travels alot. ive had to get used to going to parties...weddings,funerals..alone.very unnatural for me.and i am still not good at initiating. i hestitate to call even some of my closest girlfriends. so anyone who has been in a lonely funk understands that after awhile you feel so cabin-feverish and alone yet at the same time you don't feel like going anywhere or making an effort to do anything.having children thrown into this is a whole other factor. people pleaser as i shift my schedule and cart around my son and say it's no big deal when it is, insecurity as i don't feel like a good mother in people's eyes or self-conscious when they can tell i'm stressing out.the lonliness that i think is natural with a SAHM..then thoughts of wanting more children but being afraid of losing myself more...
AAALLL this being said, i feel good to write it out [i need to talk it out]and as i always tell my other friends with their junk,you are NORMAL.this is life! i had a mom friend tell me many times it's normal to ____ -wanna scream at your child, feel sad about missing out on things because you have children,feel like you don't know who you are, miss how your marriage used to be...honesty is healthy, and life just sucks sometimes-its a broken place, only temporary anyhow.
above all this is the Lord.. the spiritual realm that we are so unaware of, i believe plays a huge factor in these things. when i am feeling so low i just want to wallow and cry and i feel like i literally have to give it to God. literally let go and why do i want to hold onto it? its a weird feeling. but i'm grateful i have Him, and i need more of him..less of me....
rocking my sleepy son 10 times longer than normal is a good remedy...