american idolness

i started watching when they got to their top 12....and this whole time i've been rooting for adam. makeup and hair aside, his voice is amah-zing! brilliant. and they way her performs them.... love it. then i find some background info on the contestants.
now they are in the final three and of course it appears adam will win. and most of me goes- HE SHOULD WIN. the contest is based on talent of course. ...adam has colorful [literally..as in costumes and such] background and he is gay. another finalist is danny gokey- a worship pastor who lost his wife four weeks before american idol began. he started a foundation in his wife's name....
again the contest is based on talent, but lately i can't help think about what i support- what i encourage.... i'm not even voting anyway but i think that's something to think about. i don't judge adam in any way, i do not personally know him.. but wouldn't it make sense to want the christian to get his name and influence out there? not that non-christian's can't positively impact our world, though that's a whole other post...at the same time, i do not EVER want to be a christian that excludes people that aren't believers..i think it's scary/dangerous and just plain wrong to live in a bubble like that. ON the other hand.... i've always cringed watching american idol, these often innocent small-town kids crying and so strongly desiring to live their dream. the dream is never a reality, so often it's heartbreaking rather than amazing. i also hate how 'fame' changes people... SO hard to stay level-headed in music industry. so part of me wants danny to do his little american idol tour, then go home and stay with his family and church....
regardless, adam has got it. he's there. he was already a performer... the Lord knows all of us, all of our days.. but i think of how much harder is it to find Jesus when you are in an industry surrounded by 'yes' men...

***edit: aaah adam's voice is too freaking ridiculous, my vote is his***

cali for nia

the guys are gone, and so far saylor has been great, and my friends keep coming over and keeping me company so that's nice.
wanted to post about my diagnosis- i'm so sick of thinking and talking about this though i think it's good to have written out a map of my symptoms over the past few months... so in a nutshell---i had an ENG, caloric stimulation test on my ears- very interesting, had to wear these crazy camera goggles, they blew hot and cold air in my ear and made me count and asked me random questions while measuring my eyes and ear stuff. and they found something! i have a %30 weakness in my left ear. this doesn't measure hearing but the weakness is in the inner ear related to balance and such. the test is supposed to make you dizzy and your eye and ear responses should be equal and mine were not. anything %25 or greater is considered abnormal. they said as i am just at %30 it could be more aggravating cuz my brain isn't working hard enough to compensate the variance. so that could account for my nausea and lightheadedness. the doctor also gave me a diagnosis of MAV, migraine associated vertigo. [with the secondary diagnosis of a viral infection that caused the weakness]. it wasn't a perfect answer, with xyz is what's happening and xyz is what you can do about it... but i'm willing to take it and move on. she actually recommends anti-anxiety meds to help treat MAV as it helps with these migraines. i am currently taking celexa and want to get off it when i am pregnant-am praying my symptoms don't increase when this happens. my symptoms have gotten better as i've been on it for a few months [primarily the brain fog and nausea]. so we will pray. these migraines can be without headaches- so when i experience motion/light sensitivity and nausea- it is considered a migraine of sorts....
katie and i have booked a trip to cali to visit the guys!! yippee. california is my favorite state and i haven't been there for 5 years. i am taking saylor too so it's going to be...an adventure. i think he wil do good though. we are just going from the 20th-25th but we'll get to go to a couple shows, have a day off with them and hang out with some friends in cali. we have many friends there and i have a bunch of family there too. we also plan to meet up with jared's fiance noemi. saylor's gonna be tired and out of whack with the time change but i think it's going to be great and i'm gonna find myself talking about moving there.. i know people will be trying to recruit us! :)...if only it was right next to ohio!

new things

yesterday brought two exciting ideas for me. last night we went to our friends house with some people to discuss a new homegroup. we haven't really been in a homegroup since saylor was born-and prior to that we'd always been in one, since we first met. actually i think colin started attending and leading worship at the homegroup i was going to because he liked me.
so we value homegroup but it's hard with a baby. at first we could not keep him up that late and eventually i felt he could stay up a little later but there didn't seem to be any groups with childcare that we were interested in going to... a lot of our friends are getting married, but not too many of them have kids yet. anyway our church recognizes 4 types of groups- support/recovery, bible study, i forget the 3rd :), and relational. ours will be relational- every other week [people with kids like every other week!] we will meet for dinner- the kids are a part of this- they can run around and play and such. another week of the month will be a night of prayer/worship. then we also will do community service in any way- mowing a lawn to feeding the homeless, whatever. i'm excited for that cuz...i like helping people! and saylor did great last night- the only other children right now are my friend mary's kids kian and jonah- jonah's an infant and goes to bed early. kian is 2 months younger than saylor and way smart and awesome, i love him. he was rolling over at like 2 weeks, walked at a super early age- climbed out of his crib, already potty trained, talks in full sentences.... and him and saylor are becoming good buddies. which brings me to my second exciting [reaaaally only exciting to me] idea. kian is a little guy and was climbing out of his crib at a young age. so they decided to have him sleep---- in a tent! she had told me about this but i hadn't seen it yet. i fell in love with it last night, as much as one can love a tent. and i'm not an outdoorsy person. so i have no prior fondness for tents.


i love it because saylor likes to be enclosed. he wants to be in his crib or packnplay. and whenever we get pregnant again i don't want to have to force him to a bed if he's still happy with a crib. the tent is a great transition. saylor loved the tent! he kept saying he wanted to go ni-night in there. also yes, i like keeping him enclosed cuz he can wake up and play and i can sleep for another half hour or whatever. that what we often do now- he just wakes up and plays in his crib until i get him. the biggest reason i like it though is it's perfect for colin's parents house. they love having saylor over but he's quickly growing out of the little crib they have. she tried putting him to sleep in a little fold out bed but he refused. mostly the layout of their house is a concern. they have a sweet house, everyone should come over and hangout there sometime :)- right now saylor's crib is in their closet. and they have a little bed up in the loft that they planned to transition saylor to. there are also a couple bedrooms downstairs but that is pretty far away from colin's parent's room. my concern was he'd wake up and either be wandering downstairs, or up in the loft. both i'm not really comfortable with. so yay! they can put the tent in the loft. i told my mom about this and she feels like i'm caging him in- she also thought it was crazy that i swaddled him tightly until he was 6 months old- but the kid loves it. and i put toys in his bed and he's quite content to hangout and have some alone time. and what kid wouldn't want to sleep in a tent every night?!?! fun.
colin's leaving this weekend and i'm trying to prep but we are quite busy this week. i mostly need to get to the grocery. i like to try to stock up so i don't have to do a big trip while he's gone.... looking forward to may being over with and june arriving... and colin coming home just in time for heather and nick's wedding!!

diagnosis?

i've written off and on about feeling sick for the past few months. it's really hard to explain, and it still hasn't gone away. it's unbelievably frustrating and often scary. the main symptoms are nausea and lightheaded/headaches. it is quite debilitating. i don't have the energy or desire to do much as it exacerbates my symptoms [loud noises, bright lights, focusing on people makes my head swim and makes me nauseated]. from looking online the best answer i could come up with is some sort of inner ear disorder and yesterday a neurologist said he thinks that's what it could be. i had an MRI yesterday that came back looking good so now they want to test me for this inner ear thing. what i think it could be is called vestibular neuronitis and it says it usually clears up in 1-4 weeks or something but sometimes it lingers for months or years. i think it could be this as in the fall i had an ear infection then later my left ear was swollen and they didn't know why. so i think i somehow got some sort of virus that didn't clear up. i just want an ANSWER. i want a doctor to be able to confirm whatever it is and then help me.
we want to get pregnant again so i'm annoyed that my symptoms haven't fully cleared so when i'll get pregnant i'll just continue to feel nauseous, and i worry that my symptoms will worsen with pregnancy. i also am concerned about getting pregnant then the doctor prescribes some antibiotic or medicine that i can't take during pregnancy. my ear tests are next week but i don't have an appt with this specific doctor until the end of june. i cried when they told me that's the soonest i can get in. i do not want to wait that long- i know i haven't described this super well but if you think of it please pray-for healing first of all, and then that i can meet this doctor sooner than the end of june. that i will find definite answers and remedies soon.
saylor is amazing he learns new things everyday. yesterday i taught him the word 'sharp' and we talked about sharp objects. it's just fascinating to me, this age- they are sponges. i am so impressed with all he's constantly learning and i love his everyday he talks more clear and puts more words together. he loves having 'jare-bear' living with us. we love it too- hard to explain but it just works great for us, having a roommate. it goes along our lines of desiring community and sharing and all that too. after jared gets married we plan to have our friend alicia move in with us.
sun! warmth! windows open! flip flops! skirts! my favorite!

puking and sleeping mysteries

of course my son only throws up when colin is out of town. every time saylor has thrown up, colin has not been home. this morning i woke up at 8:45 and saylor was still quiet in his room. usually he's talking and such and i make a point to get him out of the crib by 8:45. i go in there and he is covered in puke. he says 'i poo poo'. aw no buddy you didn't, you threw up! so sad! i don't know when he did it but i was sad i didn't even hear it! apparently it didn't bother him as he musta slept in it for awhile. had to wash his blankets and stuffed animals twice to get the smell out. but he seemed fine today, only really wanted to eat [holly's] banana muffins so he had 3.
so mystery one, why does my son only throw up when colin's not here to partake in the process?
mystery two-not so much a mystery as much as a discovery... or something. for as long as colin and i have been married, we've always slept on the same side of the bed, regardless of where we've lived or how the room was arranged. although every time he's gone i would always sleep on his side. well we moved and i let colin arrange everything in the house because again i cannot say enough how visual i am not. it would be hilarious for me to attempt to set up furniture or even pictures and clocks in a house.... when we were moving we were just sitting in our room with our friend nick. colin was standing at his desk, our friend nick was sitting on colin's desk chair and i was laying on the floor. we were sitting there for a good 20 minutes, half hour... suddenly i'm like 'colin, where's your desk chair?!'... silence.. they just waited for me to figure it out. i had not even realized nick was sitting on it. i know this happens to people occasionally and it's funny but this happens to me all the time. we were at our house 4 or 5 times until i finally noticed jared's room had purple walls and purple carpet, and i only noticed because someone else pointed it out. i really don't think i really see things like everyone else. i have selective things i notice i guess.
so colin determined where our bed would go and he decided which side we would sleep on- me on the side closest to my closet and dresser and his side next to his desk and closet... but that would mean we were on opposite sides of the bed! i protested for approx. 10 seconds.... and now we've discovered the switch is much better! this is a really pointless story but it's history in our marriage so i'm writing about it anyway.. ahem. so now i'm on the left if i'm just sitting on my side, but if you're standing looking at the bed it's the right. how do you decide what side it's called? anyway a few weeks ago before we moved colin started putting a body pillow between us when we slept. if he did this our first year of marriage i probably would have yelled and cried at him but now i just laughed. the fact is i'd been kicking him like crazy and pushing him off the side of the bed in my sleep. we both kept waking up kicking each other. the body pillow was a barrier to me [from me?] and it worked pretty good. it was like having a baby there i knew i couldn't cross it. first night in our new house i said no body pillow tonight, come ont! and what do you know, i don't kick him anymore! one could say the pillow has conditioned me... but i really think all along i should have been sleeping on this side and i was fighting to get there.. and now that i'm here... it's like. feng shui. or something.
anyhow. my friend julie locked her baby in her car at my house tonight. it was pretty funny. i could relate as i did that with saylor last year. ok so all along one of my doors was unlocked. but still same scenario. flipping out, baby's crying. fire trucks arrive, feel kinda silly. at least her's was legitimate! mine ended in 'um, this door's unlocked'. funny.

saylor words and tangent

bah-blank - blanket
plop-plop- lollipop
wah-woh- water
oh-gurk- yogurt
bah-bleehy- blueberry
ah-sauce- applesauce
bah-bucks- starbucks
woh-rop- robot
ah-callo- avacado
pyeeah-yo- piano
tah-taw- guitar
mah-monce- monsters
say-yoh-saylor
leh-yo- yellow
leh-lo- little
assy-boo- pacifier. although i just asked him to say pacifier and he said it perfectly. assy-booh is his 'nickname' for it.
anything that ends with an M or an N he adds a T to it. he always says 'come on!' but it sounds like 'come ont!' colin and i started saying it that way too, naturally.
he doesn't use the letter S if it is the first letter. so 'skip' is gip. [he always wants us to skip 'scary' parts in movies like monsters, inc.]. snow is no,scoop is goop, and smoke is moke. [from all those cigars he sees all the men in his life smoking]
he's taking longer to learn how to talk than some of our friends kids but he's quickly catching up. and he certainly is smart- knows all his letters [many of them in sign language as well]. he understands everything said to him, of course. and he is using 3-4 word sentences now. i LOVE IT! i've always loved talking to little kids because they say the most random things. i can't wait to do that with saylor. right now if you ask him a question he just answers with 'huh' or thinks about it and gives a one word answer, like 'what did you and daddy do today?' he will think then say 'play' and smiles coyly.
he's loving our new house for the most part. when we leave to go somewhere he keeps saying he wants to go back to the house. and he's been sleeping/napping perfectly. in the morning he's been a little unsure... ok he's been throwing huge fits. i think he doesn't want to be in a room by himself! he's used to being in very close quarters with us. so if i need to go in the kitchen real quick he's whining and following me. and he just doesn't know what he wants to do so he starts crying and saying a bunch of different things 'aaah, outside!... aah, play. pretzels! socks on!' but as i write he's running in circles and he told me he's happy. just takes him a little bit in the morning. hopefully this doesn't last long. he never really throws fits and i don't know how to respond! we usually completely ignore him and he stops fairly quickly knowing he won't get a reaction. but with the big fits they just don't stop. i don't want to threaten without following through.... tantrums are really fun if you are at, say, target. this happened last night. fortunately colin was with me but we got several lovely 'looks'. i know colin and i don't look like the typical 'mom and dad' too so that makes people's looks more condescending. although when saylor's hamming it up and charming it makes people smile even bigger-maybe they are surprised we are parenting...
we are settled in our new house and enjoying it. so grateful so all the people that helped us.

love your husband

colin and i are both sick. now as far as energy exerted today i think he's spent more- had had to go to a radio station then practice, then whole foods.. and i only had ella for a half day and she mostly napped and then i took a quick trip to meijer. [we are always playing games on who is more tired or who works harder...ha]
i'm laying here on the couch and can't move and colin says he will 'make dinner' [fishsticks] for saylor. so im watching him cut up the fishsticks 'the wrong way' and not immediately dip them in ketchup to cool them off as i do and i'm about to tell him to do that and thank goodness i catch myself. i would have been nice, and colin would have put the sticks in the ketchup--but it's totally unnecessary to say anything!
so many parents are stressed raising their little children. and not that colin and i don't have our moments but for some reason we are in a good rhythm [so far....] and i think a big thing that is important to remember is that both of you are raising them. so there will be two different ways of doing things. and women in general will always have a better idea of how many diapers are left, when their last bath was, what they've eaten today. we just will. and we need to cut the guys some slack. men need to be built up and feel like they are the MAN of the house. so i don't need to get on colin for the way he parks, or for leaving a light on.-- so colin doesn't change his diaper or forgets to feed him.... me nagging him will not make colin remember better, nor will it make him feel confident in his parenting. saylor wears a dirty diaper an hour longer than i would have let him- gasp. not the end of the world.
i just read kate gosselin's book- kate of 'jon and kate plus 8'. they are christians and i read the book in a couple days, fun book, easy read. then i got online and watched a couple episodes as i don't watch it much since we don't have cable. and i just hate hate the way kate treats jon. and i know- i've only seen a few episodes and i know we are only seeing a small piece of their life, and i knooow she has 8 small kids. but. i still cringe when i see the way she talks down to him. it makes me want to cry! thank goodness she is organized and precise, that comes in handy with all those kids-but it's a strength and a weakness i think.. anyway i really hate assumptions about people in the public eye and i hate negative gossip- i believe they are christians and i believe they love each other. ok sorry that was a tangent.
and to go a step further- when colin tells me to be sure to put my dishes away or roll his eyes that i forgot to put the clothes in the dryer, whatever- even if he isn't pleasant about it- how much easier things are when my response is a sincere apology. instead of defense. i've been making a point to do that lately.
all this to way- our husbands will treat us better when we encourage and love on them more! ok colin made him those fishsticks and i asked him to get saylor a drink as well- he did not. and you know what- he even left the oven on. he leaves the oven on a lot!! and i'm going to choose to laugh about that rather than belittle him. i remember that colin offered to get dinner for saylor and let me stay on the couch. and that's what i'm going to go thank him for.