me

i'm a pessimist. how this looks on me... i'm not an excitable person- i don't squeal, jump up and down or act overly emotional about anything. i don't receive compliments very well- it's super hard for me to just say thank you- i usually explain away the compliment or say thank you as if i don't believe it. if someone asks how i am, it's hard enough for me to say 'good'- don't ever expect to hear me say 'great'.. i just have a hard time admitting/acknowledging/allowing myself to feel happy or content. it feels superstitious or something.i also complain a lot. too much. but again, that's part of my pessimism. i always state the worst thing first, i have to acknowledge it before i can move on and say the positive things. i play devil's advocate a lot too with people. so if they are saying something they are excited about i will mention the downfalls of it. i'm a hypochondriac so i'm always mentioning any and every ailment i feel in my body. i'm indecisive and noncommittal. think that's somehow the pessimism again- i can't get excited, can't say YES because what if something happens and it doesn't work out? i agonize over decisions, regret ones we've made and usually let other people decide the small ones for me. i'm a people pleaser and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so i will bend over backward and suffer silently for the sake of other people's comfort. i'm not good at initiating and i don't really enjoy talking on the phone except for a few people. i'm not good at saying 'i love you' or receiving/giving hugs, again except for a few people. i'm opinionated and sometimes i think i talk too much about my things/my life/my beliefs. i'm an anxious person. i'm sensitive and can easily get in a moody funk. i over think everything. i don't clean well and i don't make much of an effort to cook. i'm messy, i'm lazy, and i'm selfish.
how, how how... does my husband love me? do i have any friends? i am truly thankful that my community sees me, they see all of me, they know me and still love me. i'm truly thankful to have jesus who knows me more than i know myself. he knows me before, he knows me today and he knows who i will become. i'm thankful jesus brings this to the surface for me. i'm not down on myself, i don't hate who i am or my life.. but i'm aware of these shortcomings and i know there is more...and even new ones will come. i want to work on these things. i want to keep changing, keep growing, keep refining myself. please lord.
despite this, oddly enough... i am very content and i do like myself. i'm secure in who i am and i've been able to see how i've grown and overcome in some of these areas...two steps forward, one step back...i will keep trying and please feel free to keep me accountable and call me out on my crap. i need it :)

rocking clover

i'm holding my little peanut with one arm and leg and typing with one hand. clover is 4 weeks old as of yesterday and doing amazing. she still is quite chill and easygoing.
milestones- well not really milestones but a description of clover at 4 weeks-
she's around 9 and a half pounds, i think [from weighing myself and then weighing again holding her]
20 inches [my mom and i measured her because she looks so much longer!]
besides her 5 hr stretch of night sleep when she was still jaundiced, her longest stretch has been 4 and a half hours. she's had two 4 hour stretches... but it's usually 2-3 hours still with occasional 3 and a half.. or 1 hour stretches! first thing i do when i hear her grunting and rooting around is look at the time. sometimes she grunts for awhile and falls back asleep for a few minutes so yes... i'm awake a lot. but thankfully she hasn't cried at night yet so that's cool. i am very tired but it's manageable. my back hurts so bad though! just from rocking her and nursing her in awkward positions. argh.
didn't starting spitting up until 2 days ago, i thought i was home free! and then it started. not too much though..so far.
she really is so great at just laying around and looking about during her awake periods. she of course sometimes gets restless like she can't get comfortable and starts fussing a little- she often does this from around 8-10 before falling asleep for the night. and THIS is when i bust out my skills that we learned from the happiest baby on the block. this book is a MUST READ for anyone with a newborn! we have the book of course, and today i just watched the dvd of it... so good! love harvey karp.
is grunting and hooting and hiccuping still, but less often.i love the hoots.
ok i started using two hands but she started fussing so back to one hand i go.
my sweet girl. i love having a daughter. having a second baby has felt SO different to me, i'm constantly reflecting on how it feels. i didn't feel like i instantly bonded to her, but i still felt crazy love for her. hard to explain. i think it's partly because i've gotten to know saylor for 3 years..i don't know, it wasn't as emotional or overwhelming so it felt more nonchalant? like when saylor was 2 weeks old i could barely stand to be in a different room with him, but when clover was only a few days old i easily left her to go get ice cream with saylor.. but i'm loving how easy it feels.. anyway i've talked to some other mom friends who can relate. one friend said for awhile whenever there would be something sad about children on tv or something she would only think of her first child and not her second and it worried her that she loved her first child more- but of course this changed, particularly as her second child grew and his personality emerged. regardless, i haven't been concerned about my feelings, it was just interesting. and it's been fun falling in love with her. at first it was like i kept trying to figure out what she looked like.. and now she is so beautiful and lovely to me, like i'm getting to know her...mmmm and it's good.
aaand she's asleep now, down for the night.

she has had two baths so far and she loves them!
oh and some saylor quotes..
'mommy, did god make my nipples?'
'amber loves our tire swing and you know what else she loves? our red couch. let's talk about mailboxes'

making a pb&j all by himself he said 'am i a grownup now?

night life of a mother

yesterday we had a baby shower for amber, it was a sweet time. i was officially starting to feel tired.. like first time i'm noticing feeling it since clover has been born. but i still decided to go out to eat with some friends after the shower. so colin took saylor home and clover and i went out... came home so tired and then this is how my night went:

9:45pm home

10:00 clover is passed out after a good nurse, diap change and swaddle [put her in packnplay next to our bed]

10:30 bed after talking to colin, reading 'the help'.. clover's been doing 3 hour stretches, always praying for a 4 hour...

12:30 clover's grunting and rooting.less than 3 hours, oy.nurse [and read the help], bathroom, peek on saylor, back to sleep at 12:45ish

2:30 gruntgrunt root root.. 2 hours again? hear her fill her diaper. unswaddle, change, reswaddle, nurse, back to sleep 2:50 or so

3-something i hear a squak and grunt, look at her [with my cell phone as a flashlight of course] and she's sleeping.

4:30 saylor cries...run to his room, he has his water but wants 'cold water from the fridge'. i say no to this, not during bedtime. he insists he wants it, i tell him no and hafta get serious with him. he consents, drinks his 'warm' water, i rub his back and sing 'ABC's' to him. bathroom [is there a better word to use than pee?! toilet? go potty?!], then back to bed

5:30 gruntgrunt rootroot. bring her to bed with me, nurse while laying down

6:30 grunt hoot grunt and spit up. she's only spit up a couple times. wipe her face a little,tuck the burp cloth under her, fall back asleep

7:30 gruntgrunt trying to get out of her swaddle. waking up. unswaddle her, she fills her diap, change her- her cord is off! but gross i don't know where it is at the moment. nurse her, she fills her diap again, nice. change diap. now she's awake and alert, i give up trying to fall back asleep.

now it's 8:29am and i've turned on the today show, she's chillin' in her boppy and i see saylor still asleep on the monitor.
i think this is the most i've been awake at night since she's been born.eyes are burning... quite tired. but still it's not bad- clover knows her days and night and sleeps well. and she doesn't cry, she just grunts at this point in time, which i find awesome. and saylor's a great sleeper, and though he occasionally cries for things, i prefer it to him getting up and coming to our room.
oh boy, lots to be done, but i just want to nap! here we go

out of the mouths of moms

i love this! out of the mouths of moms, a blog carnival started by mckmama. i am constantly amused by the things i hear myself and colin saying.
saylor is insisting on being called a certain name all the time. usually it's little mermaid or darth vader. so there times when we mean business and so we are sternly saying 'little mermaid go potty now, it's time for bed' or he corrects me even if i'm talking to someone else- 'yah saylor and i were at the park' no it's little mermaid! 'i mean little mermaid and i were at the park'
things we've said this week

'no you can't nurse her. ok well you can try if you want'

'yes that tiara looks beautiful on you'

'yes i believe joker has a penis. no i don't know what color it is'

'buddy it's not scary to go poo-poo it's so fun! i do it every day. it's so relaxing, and then you can look at it. it's just like peepee coming out. let's do it together'

'no i don't have a penis. because girls don't have penises.'

'saylor don't lick the wall. because it's yucky. because there's germs. saylor stop. it's not funny. ok no more. if you do it one more time you'll get a time out'

'no lightening isn't scary it's cool it's like batman and flashing and superheroes' [what am i saying?! sometimes i just don't make sense on purpose and hope it works well enough for him ha!]

'buddy let's just have no more questions for a little bit. because i'm a little bit tired. no i'm not frustrated i just need some quiet for a minute. because i said so. i love you too honey. i'm driving. i'm not doing anything, i'm just driving. let's turn up the music. no daddies song isn't on right now. no i can't make it come on. it comes on at different times. i'm sorry i can't. no i can't make it come on. we can listen to it at home. ok let's just be quiet now for a minute.'

'saylor you need to put your underwear on now. i'm sorry ariel, please come put your underwear on right now. right now. if you get your underwear and shorts on you can have a piece of gum'

seriously i could go on and on and on... i'll start writing more down. it's a fun age, 3, they ask questions nonstop and they are so free in their thinking and playing... it's just so random and ridiculous sometimes! and of course with a boy, a lot of penis talk!