i'm a pessimist. how this looks on me... i'm not an excitable person- i don't squeal, jump up and down or act overly emotional about anything. i don't receive compliments very well- it's super hard for me to just say thank you- i usually explain away the compliment or say thank you as if i don't believe it. if someone asks how i am, it's hard enough for me to say 'good'- don't ever expect to hear me say 'great'.. i just have a hard time admitting/acknowledging/allowing myself to feel happy or content. it feels superstitious or something.i also complain a lot. too much. but again, that's part of my pessimism. i always state the worst thing first, i have to acknowledge it before i can move on and say the positive things. i play devil's advocate a lot too with people. so if they are saying something they are excited about i will mention the downfalls of it. i'm a hypochondriac so i'm always mentioning any and every ailment i feel in my body. i'm indecisive and noncommittal. think that's somehow the pessimism again- i can't get excited, can't say YES because what if something happens and it doesn't work out? i agonize over decisions, regret ones we've made and usually let other people decide the small ones for me. i'm a people pleaser and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so i will bend over backward and suffer silently for the sake of other people's comfort. i'm not good at initiating and i don't really enjoy talking on the phone except for a few people. i'm not good at saying 'i love you' or receiving/giving hugs, again except for a few people. i'm opinionated and sometimes i think i talk too much about my things/my life/my beliefs. i'm an anxious person. i'm sensitive and can easily get in a moody funk. i over think everything. i don't clean well and i don't make much of an effort to cook. i'm messy, i'm lazy, and i'm selfish.
how, how how... does my husband love me? do i have any friends? i am truly thankful that my community sees me, they see all of me, they know me and still love me. i'm truly thankful to have jesus who knows me more than i know myself. he knows me before, he knows me today and he knows who i will become. i'm thankful jesus brings this to the surface for me. i'm not down on myself, i don't hate who i am or my life.. but i'm aware of these shortcomings and i know there is more...and even new ones will come. i want to work on these things. i want to keep changing, keep growing, keep refining myself. please lord.
despite this, oddly enough... i am very content and i do like myself. i'm secure in who i am and i've been able to see how i've grown and overcome in some of these areas...two steps forward, one step back...i will keep trying and please feel free to keep me accountable and call me out on my crap. i need it :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
rocking clover
i'm holding my little peanut with one arm and leg and typing with one hand. clover is 4 weeks old as of yesterday and doing amazing. she still is quite chill and easygoing.
milestones- well not really milestones but a description of clover at 4 weeks-
she's around 9 and a half pounds, i think [from weighing myself and then weighing again holding her]
20 inches [my mom and i measured her because she looks so much longer!]
besides her 5 hr stretch of night sleep when she was still jaundiced, her longest stretch has been 4 and a half hours. she's had two 4 hour stretches... but it's usually 2-3 hours still with occasional 3 and a half.. or 1 hour stretches! first thing i do when i hear her grunting and rooting around is look at the time. sometimes she grunts for awhile and falls back asleep for a few minutes so yes... i'm awake a lot. but thankfully she hasn't cried at night yet so that's cool. i am very tired but it's manageable. my back hurts so bad though! just from rocking her and nursing her in awkward positions. argh.
didn't starting spitting up until 2 days ago, i thought i was home free! and then it started. not too much though..so far.
she really is so great at just laying around and looking about during her awake periods. she of course sometimes gets restless like she can't get comfortable and starts fussing a little- she often does this from around 8-10 before falling asleep for the night. and THIS is when i bust out my skills that we learned from the happiest baby on the block. this book is a MUST READ for anyone with a newborn! we have the book of course, and today i just watched the dvd of it... so good! love harvey karp.
is grunting and hooting and hiccuping still, but less often.i love the hoots.
ok i started using two hands but she started fussing so back to one hand i go.
my sweet girl. i love having a daughter. having a second baby has felt SO different to me, i'm constantly reflecting on how it feels. i didn't feel like i instantly bonded to her, but i still felt crazy love for her. hard to explain. i think it's partly because i've gotten to know saylor for 3 years..i don't know, it wasn't as emotional or overwhelming so it felt more nonchalant? like when saylor was 2 weeks old i could barely stand to be in a different room with him, but when clover was only a few days old i easily left her to go get ice cream with saylor.. but i'm loving how easy it feels.. anyway i've talked to some other mom friends who can relate. one friend said for awhile whenever there would be something sad about children on tv or something she would only think of her first child and not her second and it worried her that she loved her first child more- but of course this changed, particularly as her second child grew and his personality emerged. regardless, i haven't been concerned about my feelings, it was just interesting. and it's been fun falling in love with her. at first it was like i kept trying to figure out what she looked like.. and now she is so beautiful and lovely to me, like i'm getting to know her...mmmm and it's good.
aaand she's asleep now, down for the night.
she has had two baths so far and she loves them!
oh and some saylor quotes..
'mommy, did god make my nipples?'
'amber loves our tire swing and you know what else she loves? our red couch. let's talk about mailboxes'
making a pb&j all by himself he said 'am i a grownup now?
milestones- well not really milestones but a description of clover at 4 weeks-
she's around 9 and a half pounds, i think [from weighing myself and then weighing again holding her]
20 inches [my mom and i measured her because she looks so much longer!]
besides her 5 hr stretch of night sleep when she was still jaundiced, her longest stretch has been 4 and a half hours. she's had two 4 hour stretches... but it's usually 2-3 hours still with occasional 3 and a half.. or 1 hour stretches! first thing i do when i hear her grunting and rooting around is look at the time. sometimes she grunts for awhile and falls back asleep for a few minutes so yes... i'm awake a lot. but thankfully she hasn't cried at night yet so that's cool. i am very tired but it's manageable. my back hurts so bad though! just from rocking her and nursing her in awkward positions. argh.
didn't starting spitting up until 2 days ago, i thought i was home free! and then it started. not too much though..so far.
she really is so great at just laying around and looking about during her awake periods. she of course sometimes gets restless like she can't get comfortable and starts fussing a little- she often does this from around 8-10 before falling asleep for the night. and THIS is when i bust out my skills that we learned from the happiest baby on the block. this book is a MUST READ for anyone with a newborn! we have the book of course, and today i just watched the dvd of it... so good! love harvey karp.
is grunting and hooting and hiccuping still, but less often.i love the hoots.
ok i started using two hands but she started fussing so back to one hand i go.
my sweet girl. i love having a daughter. having a second baby has felt SO different to me, i'm constantly reflecting on how it feels. i didn't feel like i instantly bonded to her, but i still felt crazy love for her. hard to explain. i think it's partly because i've gotten to know saylor for 3 years..i don't know, it wasn't as emotional or overwhelming so it felt more nonchalant? like when saylor was 2 weeks old i could barely stand to be in a different room with him, but when clover was only a few days old i easily left her to go get ice cream with saylor.. but i'm loving how easy it feels.. anyway i've talked to some other mom friends who can relate. one friend said for awhile whenever there would be something sad about children on tv or something she would only think of her first child and not her second and it worried her that she loved her first child more- but of course this changed, particularly as her second child grew and his personality emerged. regardless, i haven't been concerned about my feelings, it was just interesting. and it's been fun falling in love with her. at first it was like i kept trying to figure out what she looked like.. and now she is so beautiful and lovely to me, like i'm getting to know her...mmmm and it's good.
aaand she's asleep now, down for the night.
she has had two baths so far and she loves them!
oh and some saylor quotes..
'mommy, did god make my nipples?'
'amber loves our tire swing and you know what else she loves? our red couch. let's talk about mailboxes'
making a pb&j all by himself he said 'am i a grownup now?
Monday, June 7, 2010
night life of a mother
yesterday we had a baby shower for amber, it was a sweet time. i was officially starting to feel tired.. like first time i'm noticing feeling it since clover has been born. but i still decided to go out to eat with some friends after the shower. so colin took saylor home and clover and i went out... came home so tired and then this is how my night went:
9:45pm home
10:00 clover is passed out after a good nurse, diap change and swaddle [put her in packnplay next to our bed]
10:30 bed after talking to colin, reading 'the help'.. clover's been doing 3 hour stretches, always praying for a 4 hour...
12:30 clover's grunting and rooting.less than 3 hours, oy.nurse [and read the help], bathroom, peek on saylor, back to sleep at 12:45ish
2:30 gruntgrunt root root.. 2 hours again? hear her fill her diaper. unswaddle, change, reswaddle, nurse, back to sleep 2:50 or so
3-something i hear a squak and grunt, look at her [with my cell phone as a flashlight of course] and she's sleeping.
4:30 saylor cries...run to his room, he has his water but wants 'cold water from the fridge'. i say no to this, not during bedtime. he insists he wants it, i tell him no and hafta get serious with him. he consents, drinks his 'warm' water, i rub his back and sing 'ABC's' to him. bathroom [is there a better word to use than pee?! toilet? go potty?!], then back to bed
5:30 gruntgrunt rootroot. bring her to bed with me, nurse while laying down
6:30 grunt hoot grunt and spit up. she's only spit up a couple times. wipe her face a little,tuck the burp cloth under her, fall back asleep
7:30 gruntgrunt trying to get out of her swaddle. waking up. unswaddle her, she fills her diap, change her- her cord is off! but gross i don't know where it is at the moment. nurse her, she fills her diap again, nice. change diap. now she's awake and alert, i give up trying to fall back asleep.
now it's 8:29am and i've turned on the today show, she's chillin' in her boppy and i see saylor still asleep on the monitor.
i think this is the most i've been awake at night since she's been born.eyes are burning... quite tired. but still it's not bad- clover knows her days and night and sleeps well. and she doesn't cry, she just grunts at this point in time, which i find awesome. and saylor's a great sleeper, and though he occasionally cries for things, i prefer it to him getting up and coming to our room.
oh boy, lots to be done, but i just want to nap! here we go
9:45pm home
10:00 clover is passed out after a good nurse, diap change and swaddle [put her in packnplay next to our bed]
10:30 bed after talking to colin, reading 'the help'.. clover's been doing 3 hour stretches, always praying for a 4 hour...
12:30 clover's grunting and rooting.less than 3 hours, oy.nurse [and read the help], bathroom, peek on saylor, back to sleep at 12:45ish
2:30 gruntgrunt root root.. 2 hours again? hear her fill her diaper. unswaddle, change, reswaddle, nurse, back to sleep 2:50 or so
3-something i hear a squak and grunt, look at her [with my cell phone as a flashlight of course] and she's sleeping.
4:30 saylor cries...run to his room, he has his water but wants 'cold water from the fridge'. i say no to this, not during bedtime. he insists he wants it, i tell him no and hafta get serious with him. he consents, drinks his 'warm' water, i rub his back and sing 'ABC's' to him. bathroom [is there a better word to use than pee?! toilet? go potty?!], then back to bed
5:30 gruntgrunt rootroot. bring her to bed with me, nurse while laying down
6:30 grunt hoot grunt and spit up. she's only spit up a couple times. wipe her face a little,tuck the burp cloth under her, fall back asleep
7:30 gruntgrunt trying to get out of her swaddle. waking up. unswaddle her, she fills her diap, change her- her cord is off! but gross i don't know where it is at the moment. nurse her, she fills her diap again, nice. change diap. now she's awake and alert, i give up trying to fall back asleep.
now it's 8:29am and i've turned on the today show, she's chillin' in her boppy and i see saylor still asleep on the monitor.
i think this is the most i've been awake at night since she's been born.eyes are burning... quite tired. but still it's not bad- clover knows her days and night and sleeps well. and she doesn't cry, she just grunts at this point in time, which i find awesome. and saylor's a great sleeper, and though he occasionally cries for things, i prefer it to him getting up and coming to our room.
oh boy, lots to be done, but i just want to nap! here we go
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
out of the mouths of moms
i love this! out of the mouths of moms, a blog carnival started by mckmama. i am constantly amused by the things i hear myself and colin saying.
saylor is insisting on being called a certain name all the time. usually it's little mermaid or darth vader. so there times when we mean business and so we are sternly saying 'little mermaid go potty now, it's time for bed' or he corrects me even if i'm talking to someone else- 'yah saylor and i were at the park' no it's little mermaid! 'i mean little mermaid and i were at the park'
things we've said this week
'no you can't nurse her. ok well you can try if you want'
'yes that tiara looks beautiful on you'
'yes i believe joker has a penis. no i don't know what color it is'
'buddy it's not scary to go poo-poo it's so fun! i do it every day. it's so relaxing, and then you can look at it. it's just like peepee coming out. let's do it together'
'no i don't have a penis. because girls don't have penises.'
'saylor don't lick the wall. because it's yucky. because there's germs. saylor stop. it's not funny. ok no more. if you do it one more time you'll get a time out'
'no lightening isn't scary it's cool it's like batman and flashing and superheroes' [what am i saying?! sometimes i just don't make sense on purpose and hope it works well enough for him ha!]
'buddy let's just have no more questions for a little bit. because i'm a little bit tired. no i'm not frustrated i just need some quiet for a minute. because i said so. i love you too honey. i'm driving. i'm not doing anything, i'm just driving. let's turn up the music. no daddies song isn't on right now. no i can't make it come on. it comes on at different times. i'm sorry i can't. no i can't make it come on. we can listen to it at home. ok let's just be quiet now for a minute.'
'saylor you need to put your underwear on now. i'm sorry ariel, please come put your underwear on right now. right now. if you get your underwear and shorts on you can have a piece of gum'
seriously i could go on and on and on... i'll start writing more down. it's a fun age, 3, they ask questions nonstop and they are so free in their thinking and playing... it's just so random and ridiculous sometimes! and of course with a boy, a lot of penis talk!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
one week
last wednesday at this exact minute we were praying my contractions would start to kick in....now here i sit with a boppy and little clover belle curled around me. i swear, i swear, she laughed this morning in her sleep. her smile is awesome and cheesy and huge and dimples.
our first week home has gone great, don't want to speak too soon but i think it's easier having your second child. we weren't anxious/nervous with saylor but it was still new and the schedule/lifestyle/taking care of a person was overwhelming and a huge change. this time it feels much easier/smoother. she's great, she hasn't even cried yet really, except the occasional 5-10 second squack. i don't think that's a word but.. maybe it should be. people say to nurse jaundice babies a ton but this is easier said than done because jaundice will often make them very sleepy. she nurses for 2-4 minutes and is completely passed out. her second night home i had to wake her to feed her. this has led to some painful engorgement [though otherwise her latch is great and it doesn't hurt to nurse yay] and she and i are in the habit of often nursing every hour just so she gets something, i am going to have to work on getting to her stay on longer and space the hours out.. but regardless i know she's getting enough and saylor was never a long nurser either. 8-10 mins was a solid time for him.
we took her to doc monday as recommended plus we all could see she was still pretty yellow. they tested her bilirubin again and it had gone up again to 12.2 [when we left it was 11]. 12.2 is in the low risk category but they wanted to check her again today to make sure it's remaining stable and sure enough she is ok. it is 10.6 today. doctor said no more testing her, girl's gone through enough! well ok in a couple weeks they will do a complete blood count one more time to make sure it's all working and flushed out or whatever and check her anemia as she's a little anemic right now. then it will be done.
it's been amazing having colin here and taking time off work. he's been taking care of saylor all day and i'm usually upstairs with clover, although i'm trying to get in face time with saylor too. hopefully i will heal soon [TMI warning: on a pain scale of 1-10.. when i pee... it's easily a 10... i'm like banging the walls and yelling sometimes. there's some small cuts/tears i think... it's like a knife tearing through me every time i pee, it's torture. i have to use the peri bottle 2-3 full bottles worth every time i go and that still doesn't ease it. i'm also using lavender oil, tea tree oil, ice, dermoplast, ibuprofen, warm baths...then after i go it's like.. a knife wound and it takes awhile to walk and find a way to sit down that isn't extremely painful. oh joy! it sucks.. and i'm a person that usually pees like twice an hour... so...yah] anyway colin will go fully back to work on monday and i'm trying to prep myself and am anticipating it to be hard. i haven't had any huge meltdowns yet. i cried for a few minutes in the hospital about being sad that it wasn't me and saylor anymore. and monday our doctor appt was frustrating and we did too much and i hadn't eaten all day and was in pain so i cried some then but otherwise i've been feeling pretty good. but i'm sure in the next few months as clover becomes more awake/particular and as i have to take care of both of them all day... aaaahhh! can't think ahead just have to take it one day at a time!
we've had plenty of visitors and meals have started and we are enjoying this honeymoon/newness period...
saylor today-'does the joker have a penis? what color is it?'
and he also made up a game called 'shark pad' you put a bunch of grass and mulch on the slide and then go down the slide. shark pad!
our first week home has gone great, don't want to speak too soon but i think it's easier having your second child. we weren't anxious/nervous with saylor but it was still new and the schedule/lifestyle/taking care of a person was overwhelming and a huge change. this time it feels much easier/smoother. she's great, she hasn't even cried yet really, except the occasional 5-10 second squack. i don't think that's a word but.. maybe it should be. people say to nurse jaundice babies a ton but this is easier said than done because jaundice will often make them very sleepy. she nurses for 2-4 minutes and is completely passed out. her second night home i had to wake her to feed her. this has led to some painful engorgement [though otherwise her latch is great and it doesn't hurt to nurse yay] and she and i are in the habit of often nursing every hour just so she gets something, i am going to have to work on getting to her stay on longer and space the hours out.. but regardless i know she's getting enough and saylor was never a long nurser either. 8-10 mins was a solid time for him.
we took her to doc monday as recommended plus we all could see she was still pretty yellow. they tested her bilirubin again and it had gone up again to 12.2 [when we left it was 11]. 12.2 is in the low risk category but they wanted to check her again today to make sure it's remaining stable and sure enough she is ok. it is 10.6 today. doctor said no more testing her, girl's gone through enough! well ok in a couple weeks they will do a complete blood count one more time to make sure it's all working and flushed out or whatever and check her anemia as she's a little anemic right now. then it will be done.
it's been amazing having colin here and taking time off work. he's been taking care of saylor all day and i'm usually upstairs with clover, although i'm trying to get in face time with saylor too. hopefully i will heal soon [TMI warning: on a pain scale of 1-10.. when i pee... it's easily a 10... i'm like banging the walls and yelling sometimes. there's some small cuts/tears i think... it's like a knife tearing through me every time i pee, it's torture. i have to use the peri bottle 2-3 full bottles worth every time i go and that still doesn't ease it. i'm also using lavender oil, tea tree oil, ice, dermoplast, ibuprofen, warm baths...then after i go it's like.. a knife wound and it takes awhile to walk and find a way to sit down that isn't extremely painful. oh joy! it sucks.. and i'm a person that usually pees like twice an hour... so...yah] anyway colin will go fully back to work on monday and i'm trying to prep myself and am anticipating it to be hard. i haven't had any huge meltdowns yet. i cried for a few minutes in the hospital about being sad that it wasn't me and saylor anymore. and monday our doctor appt was frustrating and we did too much and i hadn't eaten all day and was in pain so i cried some then but otherwise i've been feeling pretty good. but i'm sure in the next few months as clover becomes more awake/particular and as i have to take care of both of them all day... aaaahhh! can't think ahead just have to take it one day at a time!
we've had plenty of visitors and meals have started and we are enjoying this honeymoon/newness period...
saylor today-'does the joker have a penis? what color is it?'
and he also made up a game called 'shark pad' you put a bunch of grass and mulch on the slide and then go down the slide. shark pad!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Clover's NICU visit
lights off, getting ready to nurse
so miss clover was born, everything was lovely, i held and nursed her all night. at 7am one of the best nurses in the world mary [katie's mom!] came to take care of me :) i had her with saylor too and she's incredible. as in- praying for me, massaging me, gave us a gift card to tim hortons [it's downstairs at the hospital], balloons, and of course lots of gentle TLC- letting me be as vulnerable as i need to be, physically and emotionally. so she comes at 7, right around the same time our pediatrician came to meet her as well. which was good timing. mary said her first thought when she saw clover was 'she's ORANGE!' i hadn't noticed, we had the lights real dimmed the whole night! but as soon as they mentioned it i saw it, wow. it's cause for concern especially for how young she was, only 14 hours old. they did a quick test to see her bilirubin numbers and it was 14. the ped. said she'd be a little concerned if it was 8 or 9 and she was 14! so the plan was to take her to the nursery and put her under a light and do a more thorough test. they put her under there for four hours, retested her and she was 16.8. not good!
babies can get jaundice for different reasons and in her case it turns out she is positive for something called coombs- i am O positive and her blood is B negative. basically my blood was binding to hers and attacking it in a sense. she needed help flushing out her system, and quickly. if it got out of control it could cause brain damage. they also took her WBC and it was elevated- normal range is 8-20,000 and hers was 43,000. the doctor said he thinks it was just because of everything else going on in her body, but there was a chance it could be from an infection of some sort. they took cultures but you don't get initial results on those for 24 hours so they say guilty until proven innocent and wanted to give her antibiotics. i was fine with this, i got nervous for a bit that it could have been a GBS infection, that i worked so hard and researched so much to avoid. but when the doctor said it likely was just from the jaundice i felt better. she needed to be moved to the NICU to be under three lights, and have an iV of immunoglobulin IgA i think, and then the antibiotics. they also had to give her formula- one as an added supplement to my colostrum to quickly flush her system out, two- they fed her under the lights [and gave her my pumped colostrum under the lights] they didn't want anytime out of there, and three- severe jaundice can make babies quite lethargic and she was, so that makes feedings more difficult. the doctor who initially explained all this to us was nice and thorough but he also was scary in a way saying things like 'we are driving fast down a hill and we are headed toward a cliff' and calling it a big fire and such. he actually really scared colin, but for some reason i was ok! i think it's a combo of it being my second child, having a sister that works in the NICU and sees this and much worse all the time, and knowing that they were taking care of things immediately so that something worse wouldn't happen. he said if her next numbers went up at all he would be prepping for a blood transfusion. [which sounds scary but again my sister was able to explain it to me and reassure me] 20 was the number he did not want to see.
so it was a strange day, you are all excited and anticipating visitors and holding her all day and it was certainly hard not being able to hold her or nurse her. we were just waiting and praying for that next result to see if what they were doing was working.
and it was! it went down to 13.9. the nurses were great in the nicu. one nurse told me they were taking bets on what her numbers would be, someone said 15, and the scary doctor said 17. he bet she would get worse! she proved them wrong. the nurses all loved and cooed all over her though and said she was amazing [which she is,of course :)]. her next numbers were 12.9 and few hours after that they were 11.9 and they were able to take her down to one light for awhile and after a few more hours turned that off, and then she was ready go to home. apparently i have a good chance of this happening with any future children as well, something confusing having to do with me and colin's blood... interesting.
we are thankful to all the nurses and docs in the nicu! we were able to come home on saturday early afternoon. clover actually gained an ounce [7lbs 6oz] with the fluids/supplements she was getting. hopefully can post better pictures soon, these are just from my phone..
our little squash, getting her tan on. it was really sad not being able to see her eyes- and she had this big 'tan line' of yellow around her eyes where the glasses were, it was funny
they gave her this paci with sugar water on it when they had do IVs or any blood testing/poking.
down to one light
daddy love
getting ready to leave
Friday, May 21, 2010
Clover Maybelle
Clover is here!!! and what a grand entrance she made! here is her birth story-and i'm sharing it all so don't read unless you like this kind of stuff....
wednesday morning at about 4am i woke up to my water breaking. gushing. while it was exciting [and messy] i was totally not expecting that to happen, usually your water doesn't break before labor. i've read countless stories of people's water breaking and they don't go into labor for days... i didn't want that to happen-first of all they say risk of GBS increases if your water has been broken for more than 18 hrs, and secondly i was having a hospital birth. hospitals want you to start labor within 24 hrs depending and they will induce you if necessary. i did NOT want to be induced. so of course i waited at home until labor kicked in. going to the hospital they would check you continually and that is where your risk of infection increases so i felt good staying at home. [your fluid replenishes itself-as i noticed because i kept gushing and leaking]. but it's an annoying waiting game- i wanted to have her soon because my favorite midwife was working until 6pm and then my least favorite one was working next. haha!
SO i feel a little braxton-hickish, a littly crampy. but if i layed down it would stop so i just kept walking around. we even went to the mall for a couple hours. this went on for awhile... there was occasional patterns to contractions but they were so mild i was hesitant to even call them real contractions. definitely not painful. around 2:30 colin and i prayed it would kick in and i also did some nipple stimulation. [google it, it's known to be very effective!] around 3ish i had a couple contractions about 10 minutes apart so i thought yah ok that felt real, but what if it fizzles out? we decide to go to the hospital. my mom gets saylor and we leave my house at 3:37pm, still hoping they don't fizzle out... texting people in the car, making jokes.
arrive, do the quick sign in and they take you to a room to verify you are in fact, in labor. now they are getting painful and i was all for being checked. i was about 3-4cm. i can't walk or position myself in any way to make them more bearable. i started throwing up intensely and i hated that!
i ask to go to the room with the tub for the unmedicated birth. at this point i did not know how long i would be laboring, of course. but the contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart already and lasting 45 seconds to a minute. it is becoming the worst pain EVER. no other way to describe it. i start begging for an epidural. this means i have completely lost control.. i mean really. i lost it. i started clawing colin, scratching and grabbing him and saying 'help help help help i can't do this' i was yelling and throwing up still. they check again and i'm about 4-5cm so i'm thinking this will be at least a few more hours and i said i need something, i don't care give me something. so they give me an iv of fluids so i could get an epidural. which probably was nice to have since i was throwing up so much anyway. but it takes about 30 minutes so i couldn't have an epidural until then. and i was a mess. had the shakes, sweating from throwing up.. i soon noticed that the contractions were not ceasing, they were coming one right after another- i was able to breathe through a couple and those were more bearable but i could not maintain my composure for long. finally they said ok someone is coming soon for the epidural and right when they said that i said 'I'M PUSHING!' and suddenly my body was pushing her out, it was incredible!
they look and said we're having a baby! and my [favorite] midwife left a woman who was pushing-told her to stop pushing!- and came to me! i apologize to that woman. she comes in and i pushed her out in about 5 minutes i think. i loved pushing- it was still painful but you could see and feel results, it was a new focus. and it felt GOOD in a way. i was sitting up, legs back [like bradley method recommends] so i had a great view and my midwife tiffany was awesome-too bad we didn't get to spend much time together! during contractions i had my eyes closed a lot so it was great to make eye contact with people and be able to respond to encouragement. it was entirely my body in charge, pushing her out. she came out and i could tell she was smaller than saylor! they had to rough her up a bit, she wasn't crying- kinda shocked from the fast delivery. i had a tear in the labia but otherwise was intact, thanks to tiffany's gentle care of me. she was born at 5:29. i mean REALLY. i wasn't even in the delivery room until 4:30 or so. it was less than two hours!
immediately after i felt so great and was apologizing to colin and the nurse who had been with us. they said i did great and laughed it off but i really felt i was out of control. i realize now that basically my entire labor i was in 'transition'. around 7-10 cm women hit transition and they often hit a wall of 'i can't go on i can't do this' and some throw up, get the shakes, etc. i've read you should be encouraged at that point because it means you are almost done. had i realized i was already at that point i don't think i would have begged for the epidural, duh. but again, you're in transition so that's where your mind is 'i can't do this'. i went from 5-10cm in such a short amount of time! my friend carriane had planned to be there as a support and when she walked in colin was holding clover! haha. colin was great with me though he let me claw him and he was good at encouraging me although it would have been nice if i had a doula or a midwife that was in my face more helping me breathe. it was the most painful hour i've ever had but it was hilarious at the same time and i love how it worked out. my mom's labors were the same and she was like 'don't you prefer that? it's awful but then it's done so quick'. i'm perplexed now at people who labor in the tub, walk around, sway and such. what are they feeling?! i didn't have contractions that gradually got stronger so like... all i felt was what people feel at their hardest moment right before they push!
[with saylor i was [unnecessarily] induced and had an epidural that didn't work at first then they tried again and it numbed my contractions but not my legs- just half of me. so i did get to feel it all when i pushed as well, though they also gave me an episiotomy and i was laying back more so it was more painful than satisfying].
clover maybelle was 19 inches and 7lbs 5oz. i thought for sure she'd be at least 8, it's funny how small she is to us!
she had a rough bout of jaundice and we are staying in the hospital an extra night but i will explain all that in the next post. and i will work on getting some good pictures up too!
wednesday morning at about 4am i woke up to my water breaking. gushing. while it was exciting [and messy] i was totally not expecting that to happen, usually your water doesn't break before labor. i've read countless stories of people's water breaking and they don't go into labor for days... i didn't want that to happen-first of all they say risk of GBS increases if your water has been broken for more than 18 hrs, and secondly i was having a hospital birth. hospitals want you to start labor within 24 hrs depending and they will induce you if necessary. i did NOT want to be induced. so of course i waited at home until labor kicked in. going to the hospital they would check you continually and that is where your risk of infection increases so i felt good staying at home. [your fluid replenishes itself-as i noticed because i kept gushing and leaking]. but it's an annoying waiting game- i wanted to have her soon because my favorite midwife was working until 6pm and then my least favorite one was working next. haha!
SO i feel a little braxton-hickish, a littly crampy. but if i layed down it would stop so i just kept walking around. we even went to the mall for a couple hours. this went on for awhile... there was occasional patterns to contractions but they were so mild i was hesitant to even call them real contractions. definitely not painful. around 2:30 colin and i prayed it would kick in and i also did some nipple stimulation. [google it, it's known to be very effective!] around 3ish i had a couple contractions about 10 minutes apart so i thought yah ok that felt real, but what if it fizzles out? we decide to go to the hospital. my mom gets saylor and we leave my house at 3:37pm, still hoping they don't fizzle out... texting people in the car, making jokes.
arrive, do the quick sign in and they take you to a room to verify you are in fact, in labor. now they are getting painful and i was all for being checked. i was about 3-4cm. i can't walk or position myself in any way to make them more bearable. i started throwing up intensely and i hated that!
i ask to go to the room with the tub for the unmedicated birth. at this point i did not know how long i would be laboring, of course. but the contractions are about 2-3 minutes apart already and lasting 45 seconds to a minute. it is becoming the worst pain EVER. no other way to describe it. i start begging for an epidural. this means i have completely lost control.. i mean really. i lost it. i started clawing colin, scratching and grabbing him and saying 'help help help help i can't do this' i was yelling and throwing up still. they check again and i'm about 4-5cm so i'm thinking this will be at least a few more hours and i said i need something, i don't care give me something. so they give me an iv of fluids so i could get an epidural. which probably was nice to have since i was throwing up so much anyway. but it takes about 30 minutes so i couldn't have an epidural until then. and i was a mess. had the shakes, sweating from throwing up.. i soon noticed that the contractions were not ceasing, they were coming one right after another- i was able to breathe through a couple and those were more bearable but i could not maintain my composure for long. finally they said ok someone is coming soon for the epidural and right when they said that i said 'I'M PUSHING!' and suddenly my body was pushing her out, it was incredible!
they look and said we're having a baby! and my [favorite] midwife left a woman who was pushing-told her to stop pushing!- and came to me! i apologize to that woman. she comes in and i pushed her out in about 5 minutes i think. i loved pushing- it was still painful but you could see and feel results, it was a new focus. and it felt GOOD in a way. i was sitting up, legs back [like bradley method recommends] so i had a great view and my midwife tiffany was awesome-too bad we didn't get to spend much time together! during contractions i had my eyes closed a lot so it was great to make eye contact with people and be able to respond to encouragement. it was entirely my body in charge, pushing her out. she came out and i could tell she was smaller than saylor! they had to rough her up a bit, she wasn't crying- kinda shocked from the fast delivery. i had a tear in the labia but otherwise was intact, thanks to tiffany's gentle care of me. she was born at 5:29. i mean REALLY. i wasn't even in the delivery room until 4:30 or so. it was less than two hours!
immediately after i felt so great and was apologizing to colin and the nurse who had been with us. they said i did great and laughed it off but i really felt i was out of control. i realize now that basically my entire labor i was in 'transition'. around 7-10 cm women hit transition and they often hit a wall of 'i can't go on i can't do this' and some throw up, get the shakes, etc. i've read you should be encouraged at that point because it means you are almost done. had i realized i was already at that point i don't think i would have begged for the epidural, duh. but again, you're in transition so that's where your mind is 'i can't do this'. i went from 5-10cm in such a short amount of time! my friend carriane had planned to be there as a support and when she walked in colin was holding clover! haha. colin was great with me though he let me claw him and he was good at encouraging me although it would have been nice if i had a doula or a midwife that was in my face more helping me breathe. it was the most painful hour i've ever had but it was hilarious at the same time and i love how it worked out. my mom's labors were the same and she was like 'don't you prefer that? it's awful but then it's done so quick'. i'm perplexed now at people who labor in the tub, walk around, sway and such. what are they feeling?! i didn't have contractions that gradually got stronger so like... all i felt was what people feel at their hardest moment right before they push!
[with saylor i was [unnecessarily] induced and had an epidural that didn't work at first then they tried again and it numbed my contractions but not my legs- just half of me. so i did get to feel it all when i pushed as well, though they also gave me an episiotomy and i was laying back more so it was more painful than satisfying].
clover maybelle was 19 inches and 7lbs 5oz. i thought for sure she'd be at least 8, it's funny how small she is to us!
she had a rough bout of jaundice and we are staying in the hospital an extra night but i will explain all that in the next post. and i will work on getting some good pictures up too!
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