me

i'm a pessimist. how this looks on me... i'm not an excitable person- i don't squeal, jump up and down or act overly emotional about anything. i don't receive compliments very well- it's super hard for me to just say thank you- i usually explain away the compliment or say thank you as if i don't believe it. if someone asks how i am, it's hard enough for me to say 'good'- don't ever expect to hear me say 'great'.. i just have a hard time admitting/acknowledging/allowing myself to feel happy or content. it feels superstitious or something.i also complain a lot. too much. but again, that's part of my pessimism. i always state the worst thing first, i have to acknowledge it before i can move on and say the positive things. i play devil's advocate a lot too with people. so if they are saying something they are excited about i will mention the downfalls of it. i'm a hypochondriac so i'm always mentioning any and every ailment i feel in my body. i'm indecisive and noncommittal. think that's somehow the pessimism again- i can't get excited, can't say YES because what if something happens and it doesn't work out? i agonize over decisions, regret ones we've made and usually let other people decide the small ones for me. i'm a people pleaser and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so i will bend over backward and suffer silently for the sake of other people's comfort. i'm not good at initiating and i don't really enjoy talking on the phone except for a few people. i'm not good at saying 'i love you' or receiving/giving hugs, again except for a few people. i'm opinionated and sometimes i think i talk too much about my things/my life/my beliefs. i'm an anxious person. i'm sensitive and can easily get in a moody funk. i over think everything. i don't clean well and i don't make much of an effort to cook. i'm messy, i'm lazy, and i'm selfish.
how, how how... does my husband love me? do i have any friends? i am truly thankful that my community sees me, they see all of me, they know me and still love me. i'm truly thankful to have jesus who knows me more than i know myself. he knows me before, he knows me today and he knows who i will become. i'm thankful jesus brings this to the surface for me. i'm not down on myself, i don't hate who i am or my life.. but i'm aware of these shortcomings and i know there is more...and even new ones will come. i want to work on these things. i want to keep changing, keep growing, keep refining myself. please lord.
despite this, oddly enough... i am very content and i do like myself. i'm secure in who i am and i've been able to see how i've grown and overcome in some of these areas...two steps forward, one step back...i will keep trying and please feel free to keep me accountable and call me out on my crap. i need it :)