lazy homebody

i'm an extrovert that prefers to be home! if something's going on i want to be a part of it, but at the same time i'm longing for my bed. and i really prefer smaller groups, although there's definitely times where a big party is in order. i feel like i still have one foot hanging out in the not-yet-parents group. we are fortunate to have grandparents that take saylor often, and friends that welcome saylor anytime we need to bring him... but there are times and there are people who are definitely more free and i think it's only natural to look at them a little wistfully. our cali trip worked out reeeeally well but of course it would have been easier without a toddler in tow. and of course i recalled all too fondly those days without the responsibility of a child. it so much mirrors a relationship with Christ though. i honestly don't have much responsibility. i don't work a typical job, i don't have a bunch of commitments to people... i'm actually feeling the weight of commitment as we've started this new small group. i almost want to resist but i know responsibility, commitment, hard work- this brings about good character and builds faith. and i'm due for some of this. my nature is to be lazy. i don't have the drive that some people do, honestly. and while i know the lord works in all things- so my hangout lunch with a friend can have an impact in the kingdom, my snuggling with saylor is building him up... i know god isn't gonna let me off the hook so easily! i think we are always called to dig deeper, DO more...things that are out of our 'comfort zone' absolutely yes! ... all these thoughts and you know what- having children- while again is great, has given me an 'out'. a way to easily turn down commitments, keep us out of small group, even keep us from going to church every week. so. i'm ready to do and learn some more, lord. actually i'm scared to say that and kinda want to retract it.... but i'll keep giving it to him, and in the meantime here we are wanting baby number 2. pregnancy/newborn stages... they definitely take you out of the loop socially. my prayer is lord, use me more, beyond my home and my friends- i want to serve you.

californianess

we had such a great time! it's hard to sum it up, but i'll try to recap a bit, mostly for my own sake. we made some great memories. we arrived wednesday morning-saylor was perfect on the flights out there. [a guy behind us asked 'is he always this happy? and a flight attendent said he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen and gave us cookies] though i feel like we had 'external' attack- i swear this is what often happens when my emotions and relationships are doing well, and the enemy wants to mess around with me. colin and i had a great first year of marriage relationship wise- we were so happy- but we were constantly under attack- sickness, car broken into, car accident, blahblah. so on this trip- i had bought a tent for saylor to sleep in that didn't arrive in time, the portable dvd player i brought wasn't working properly, colin got really sick as soon as we got there, i got a nasty cut on my leg and a bad sunburn, the airport lost my stroller on the way home... but seriously all that and i was still having the best time. you just have to go with the flow and choose to have fun anyway sometimes. we got to see so many great friends and make some new ones as well. saylor was SO excited to see colin-ran up to him and wouldn't let go. wed and thurs we hung out in san jose. friday we got to meet noemi's family, and then we spent the weekend at chris and angie's, some close friends of ours that recently moved out there. our friend nimma was with us for the weekend as well... saturday was a hangout day, we walked around and went to venice beach [where i was 2 seconds from my cousin but we didn't connect in time to get together. bummer!]. here are a couple pictures from the marina beach we also went to- saylor is playing with javin-little boy of friends of chris and angie. he is SO cute! his parents own a couple stores that are pretty sweet-julia roberts and reese witherspoon are frequent customers [so much name dropping can be done! i'm trying to refrain]





sidenote-i actually wore my contacts the whole trip, i swear. except for when this picture was taken. haha. grr i hate glasses. and contacts! saturday night saylor was baby-sat by angie's friend frederique so we could all go to one of their shows. frederique is this little french woman, best accent ever! and saylor loved her. got to see jen, jen, dustin and nate at the show and that was nice.
sunday was spirit west coast where we got to see some more friends and hang out.
food/restaurants i enjoyed- pomodoro- SO good and great prices!, pinkberry [frozen yogurt], in-n-out [had to get it], french market cafe- a perfect place.
random sayings that made me laugh hysterically and won't be funny to anyone else, but i wanted to write them down so i don't forget---
tim: katie, am i in your top 20 friends? name all your friends, go! katie: ok, katie, michelle, aj.... all of us: laugh and what? you're friends with yourself??
chris calling pomodoro for directions: hi is this the uh... restaurant? ... he then carried on trying to explain himself as he couldn't remember the name of the restaurant we were going to, it was hilarious..
me, caught off guard by a small rat looking dog:oh! he's...cute.. cool california dog owne: thanks... walks away and turns back,sheepish: we didn't know he was going to be this small! --that made me laugh forever. someone embarrassed of their dog! and i picture him and his wife or whatever, they get the dog and their like.. ooh. he's so small. um...... haha!
and then katie saying i have a unique [read:big!] nose and then saying someone once told her: girl, you have got the smallest nose i have ever seen!... haha! who would SAY that to someone!? hilarious.
saylor was whiny on one of the flights home, he was SO exhausted and i was at the end of my rope with him too.... he fell asleep on the way home from the airport and then slept from 6pm-10am. 16 hours!!!! haha! then a 3 hour nap. then slept until 9:30 today as well, after going to bed at 7. he's very happy to be home and in his own bed....as am i!!

packing up

traveling with a toddler takes thrice as much effort.... i have done too much shopping and list making, but i'm enjoying it. saylor is very excited, hopefully he does well. he really has been amazing [read: behaving well] these past couple weeks without his daddy here. of course my mood affects his mood tremendously- yesterday i realized our flight home was booked out of san jose- and we need to fly home from san diego. i honestly don't know how this happened. i'm pretty organized and thorough.... anyway this little mistake cost us $645. oh yes. ouch ouch ouch. oh yes, and colin got a $140 speeding ticket yesterday. LORD grrrrr! i get mad if i spend $3 on a bag of chips that i don't like.... soooo. i kept breaking down in tears, but then saylor would burst into tears saying 'mommy happy!' he didn't want me sad! our whole day yesterday was exhausting. i was on the phone for a good four hours trying to figure it out and get the best deal. i was told by american airlines that cheaptickets had canceled my flight right after i booked it... so that is fishy. the whole thing just blows. i don't understand it, but i have to get over it! aaaaggh ok yah i can't think about it.
otherwise we are excited- colin is literally going to notice a dramatic change in saylor's talking- he is talking so much more! he talks about daddy everyday...

this is my mom's fire pit she got for mother's day. kinda a lonely-ish mother's day- colin gone, my sister had to work [she's a NICU nurse], my brother was at school, colin's parents are in africa... anyway we still had a nice time- though saylor is pantless because about 10 minutes before this picture was taken he threw up all over me and himself. we aren't sure why, he was happily enjoying graeter's then started crying... he may have choked on something? so sad!! of course he was immediately all better after throwing up...

enjoying his new carseat and his 'my first airplane ride' book- we checked out two books about flying and both of them end with the boy seeing his grandma... weird only to me?
i cut his hair last week too. which i think everyone would agree that's something i shouldn't do. but it turned out decent! i think.
..saylor says 'mommy talk airplane' as he wants me to keep telling him all about it. and he says he will be a 'good boy, quiet' on the plane.... we will see!

american idolness

i started watching when they got to their top 12....and this whole time i've been rooting for adam. makeup and hair aside, his voice is amah-zing! brilliant. and they way her performs them.... love it. then i find some background info on the contestants.
now they are in the final three and of course it appears adam will win. and most of me goes- HE SHOULD WIN. the contest is based on talent of course. ...adam has colorful [literally..as in costumes and such] background and he is gay. another finalist is danny gokey- a worship pastor who lost his wife four weeks before american idol began. he started a foundation in his wife's name....
again the contest is based on talent, but lately i can't help think about what i support- what i encourage.... i'm not even voting anyway but i think that's something to think about. i don't judge adam in any way, i do not personally know him.. but wouldn't it make sense to want the christian to get his name and influence out there? not that non-christian's can't positively impact our world, though that's a whole other post...at the same time, i do not EVER want to be a christian that excludes people that aren't believers..i think it's scary/dangerous and just plain wrong to live in a bubble like that. ON the other hand.... i've always cringed watching american idol, these often innocent small-town kids crying and so strongly desiring to live their dream. the dream is never a reality, so often it's heartbreaking rather than amazing. i also hate how 'fame' changes people... SO hard to stay level-headed in music industry. so part of me wants danny to do his little american idol tour, then go home and stay with his family and church....
regardless, adam has got it. he's there. he was already a performer... the Lord knows all of us, all of our days.. but i think of how much harder is it to find Jesus when you are in an industry surrounded by 'yes' men...

***edit: aaah adam's voice is too freaking ridiculous, my vote is his***

cali for nia

the guys are gone, and so far saylor has been great, and my friends keep coming over and keeping me company so that's nice.
wanted to post about my diagnosis- i'm so sick of thinking and talking about this though i think it's good to have written out a map of my symptoms over the past few months... so in a nutshell---i had an ENG, caloric stimulation test on my ears- very interesting, had to wear these crazy camera goggles, they blew hot and cold air in my ear and made me count and asked me random questions while measuring my eyes and ear stuff. and they found something! i have a %30 weakness in my left ear. this doesn't measure hearing but the weakness is in the inner ear related to balance and such. the test is supposed to make you dizzy and your eye and ear responses should be equal and mine were not. anything %25 or greater is considered abnormal. they said as i am just at %30 it could be more aggravating cuz my brain isn't working hard enough to compensate the variance. so that could account for my nausea and lightheadedness. the doctor also gave me a diagnosis of MAV, migraine associated vertigo. [with the secondary diagnosis of a viral infection that caused the weakness]. it wasn't a perfect answer, with xyz is what's happening and xyz is what you can do about it... but i'm willing to take it and move on. she actually recommends anti-anxiety meds to help treat MAV as it helps with these migraines. i am currently taking celexa and want to get off it when i am pregnant-am praying my symptoms don't increase when this happens. my symptoms have gotten better as i've been on it for a few months [primarily the brain fog and nausea]. so we will pray. these migraines can be without headaches- so when i experience motion/light sensitivity and nausea- it is considered a migraine of sorts....
katie and i have booked a trip to cali to visit the guys!! yippee. california is my favorite state and i haven't been there for 5 years. i am taking saylor too so it's going to be...an adventure. i think he wil do good though. we are just going from the 20th-25th but we'll get to go to a couple shows, have a day off with them and hang out with some friends in cali. we have many friends there and i have a bunch of family there too. we also plan to meet up with jared's fiance noemi. saylor's gonna be tired and out of whack with the time change but i think it's going to be great and i'm gonna find myself talking about moving there.. i know people will be trying to recruit us! :)...if only it was right next to ohio!

new things

yesterday brought two exciting ideas for me. last night we went to our friends house with some people to discuss a new homegroup. we haven't really been in a homegroup since saylor was born-and prior to that we'd always been in one, since we first met. actually i think colin started attending and leading worship at the homegroup i was going to because he liked me.
so we value homegroup but it's hard with a baby. at first we could not keep him up that late and eventually i felt he could stay up a little later but there didn't seem to be any groups with childcare that we were interested in going to... a lot of our friends are getting married, but not too many of them have kids yet. anyway our church recognizes 4 types of groups- support/recovery, bible study, i forget the 3rd :), and relational. ours will be relational- every other week [people with kids like every other week!] we will meet for dinner- the kids are a part of this- they can run around and play and such. another week of the month will be a night of prayer/worship. then we also will do community service in any way- mowing a lawn to feeding the homeless, whatever. i'm excited for that cuz...i like helping people! and saylor did great last night- the only other children right now are my friend mary's kids kian and jonah- jonah's an infant and goes to bed early. kian is 2 months younger than saylor and way smart and awesome, i love him. he was rolling over at like 2 weeks, walked at a super early age- climbed out of his crib, already potty trained, talks in full sentences.... and him and saylor are becoming good buddies. which brings me to my second exciting [reaaaally only exciting to me] idea. kian is a little guy and was climbing out of his crib at a young age. so they decided to have him sleep---- in a tent! she had told me about this but i hadn't seen it yet. i fell in love with it last night, as much as one can love a tent. and i'm not an outdoorsy person. so i have no prior fondness for tents.


i love it because saylor likes to be enclosed. he wants to be in his crib or packnplay. and whenever we get pregnant again i don't want to have to force him to a bed if he's still happy with a crib. the tent is a great transition. saylor loved the tent! he kept saying he wanted to go ni-night in there. also yes, i like keeping him enclosed cuz he can wake up and play and i can sleep for another half hour or whatever. that what we often do now- he just wakes up and plays in his crib until i get him. the biggest reason i like it though is it's perfect for colin's parents house. they love having saylor over but he's quickly growing out of the little crib they have. she tried putting him to sleep in a little fold out bed but he refused. mostly the layout of their house is a concern. they have a sweet house, everyone should come over and hangout there sometime :)- right now saylor's crib is in their closet. and they have a little bed up in the loft that they planned to transition saylor to. there are also a couple bedrooms downstairs but that is pretty far away from colin's parent's room. my concern was he'd wake up and either be wandering downstairs, or up in the loft. both i'm not really comfortable with. so yay! they can put the tent in the loft. i told my mom about this and she feels like i'm caging him in- she also thought it was crazy that i swaddled him tightly until he was 6 months old- but the kid loves it. and i put toys in his bed and he's quite content to hangout and have some alone time. and what kid wouldn't want to sleep in a tent every night?!?! fun.
colin's leaving this weekend and i'm trying to prep but we are quite busy this week. i mostly need to get to the grocery. i like to try to stock up so i don't have to do a big trip while he's gone.... looking forward to may being over with and june arriving... and colin coming home just in time for heather and nick's wedding!!

diagnosis?

i've written off and on about feeling sick for the past few months. it's really hard to explain, and it still hasn't gone away. it's unbelievably frustrating and often scary. the main symptoms are nausea and lightheaded/headaches. it is quite debilitating. i don't have the energy or desire to do much as it exacerbates my symptoms [loud noises, bright lights, focusing on people makes my head swim and makes me nauseated]. from looking online the best answer i could come up with is some sort of inner ear disorder and yesterday a neurologist said he thinks that's what it could be. i had an MRI yesterday that came back looking good so now they want to test me for this inner ear thing. what i think it could be is called vestibular neuronitis and it says it usually clears up in 1-4 weeks or something but sometimes it lingers for months or years. i think it could be this as in the fall i had an ear infection then later my left ear was swollen and they didn't know why. so i think i somehow got some sort of virus that didn't clear up. i just want an ANSWER. i want a doctor to be able to confirm whatever it is and then help me.
we want to get pregnant again so i'm annoyed that my symptoms haven't fully cleared so when i'll get pregnant i'll just continue to feel nauseous, and i worry that my symptoms will worsen with pregnancy. i also am concerned about getting pregnant then the doctor prescribes some antibiotic or medicine that i can't take during pregnancy. my ear tests are next week but i don't have an appt with this specific doctor until the end of june. i cried when they told me that's the soonest i can get in. i do not want to wait that long- i know i haven't described this super well but if you think of it please pray-for healing first of all, and then that i can meet this doctor sooner than the end of june. that i will find definite answers and remedies soon.
saylor is amazing he learns new things everyday. yesterday i taught him the word 'sharp' and we talked about sharp objects. it's just fascinating to me, this age- they are sponges. i am so impressed with all he's constantly learning and i love his everyday he talks more clear and puts more words together. he loves having 'jare-bear' living with us. we love it too- hard to explain but it just works great for us, having a roommate. it goes along our lines of desiring community and sharing and all that too. after jared gets married we plan to have our friend alicia move in with us.
sun! warmth! windows open! flip flops! skirts! my favorite!