my little epiphany

i was thinking the other day about the music i used to listen to..my knowledge of music was extremely limited [still is embarrassingly, my only saving grace is being married to colin] there was country, oldies, rap, classical, 'christian' music and then 'popular' music, the top 40.. casey kasem... that's all i knew, so i listened to WNCI and i liked it. i started to like it because it recognized it. now there was some ok stuff on there- no doubt, alanis morissette and n'sync, right?! :) but i would also listen to like.. smashmouth..i wasn't annoyed by any of the songs, only if i'd heard them too much. but then.. praise the lord, i started dating colin. and of course his was traveling as soon as we started dating so naturally he made me a mixed tape to be reminded of him [yes TAPE. also he didn't have a cell phone when he started touring, he'd have to borrow one or use a pay phone!! aaahh haha no way i'd survive that today] so i memorized those tapes.. what's this?! weezer!? the get up kids?! he buys me jimmy eat world, clarity. we listen to rufus wainwright in a car. and my life was changed- by rufus and damien rice, muse and mars volta. OH MY WORD. MUSIC!!!!! beautiful, soulful, real music that i hear the lyrics to and i weep! i dance... i blast, i put on repeat... my eyes were opened. and now i cannot tolerate the other music of course. it's like i hear things differently.
and the same thing happened with food. spent my life eating typical american food and i loved it- loved nutter bars and dr.pepper... and then somewhere along the line we learned about food, the importance of a healthy, organic diet..and we started eating real food. real peanut butter! ice cream with fresh, real ingredients! and of course more importantly- quality produce. the food we eat now.. SO good. SOOO good. so that processed and artificial treats genuinely taste gross. i'm not trying to avoid 'bad' food, i sincerely do not like the taste of it.
and so, these things of course make me think of jesus, and a life with him. people can go through life feeling content and finding 'happiness' in what's in front of them.. but encountering jesus, living a life to serve him. WOW. not saying it will be pure happiness all the time, of course it is hard sometimes- but beyond that and often because of that it is so much more.. REAL. genuine. purposeful. better quality of life.. all of that! my life is so rich with jesus. and i'll never go back.

lazy homebody

i'm an extrovert that prefers to be home! if something's going on i want to be a part of it, but at the same time i'm longing for my bed. and i really prefer smaller groups, although there's definitely times where a big party is in order. i feel like i still have one foot hanging out in the not-yet-parents group. we are fortunate to have grandparents that take saylor often, and friends that welcome saylor anytime we need to bring him... but there are times and there are people who are definitely more free and i think it's only natural to look at them a little wistfully. our cali trip worked out reeeeally well but of course it would have been easier without a toddler in tow. and of course i recalled all too fondly those days without the responsibility of a child. it so much mirrors a relationship with Christ though. i honestly don't have much responsibility. i don't work a typical job, i don't have a bunch of commitments to people... i'm actually feeling the weight of commitment as we've started this new small group. i almost want to resist but i know responsibility, commitment, hard work- this brings about good character and builds faith. and i'm due for some of this. my nature is to be lazy. i don't have the drive that some people do, honestly. and while i know the lord works in all things- so my hangout lunch with a friend can have an impact in the kingdom, my snuggling with saylor is building him up... i know god isn't gonna let me off the hook so easily! i think we are always called to dig deeper, DO more...things that are out of our 'comfort zone' absolutely yes! ... all these thoughts and you know what- having children- while again is great, has given me an 'out'. a way to easily turn down commitments, keep us out of small group, even keep us from going to church every week. so. i'm ready to do and learn some more, lord. actually i'm scared to say that and kinda want to retract it.... but i'll keep giving it to him, and in the meantime here we are wanting baby number 2. pregnancy/newborn stages... they definitely take you out of the loop socially. my prayer is lord, use me more, beyond my home and my friends- i want to serve you.

american idolness

i started watching when they got to their top 12....and this whole time i've been rooting for adam. makeup and hair aside, his voice is amah-zing! brilliant. and they way her performs them.... love it. then i find some background info on the contestants.
now they are in the final three and of course it appears adam will win. and most of me goes- HE SHOULD WIN. the contest is based on talent of course. ...adam has colorful [literally..as in costumes and such] background and he is gay. another finalist is danny gokey- a worship pastor who lost his wife four weeks before american idol began. he started a foundation in his wife's name....
again the contest is based on talent, but lately i can't help think about what i support- what i encourage.... i'm not even voting anyway but i think that's something to think about. i don't judge adam in any way, i do not personally know him.. but wouldn't it make sense to want the christian to get his name and influence out there? not that non-christian's can't positively impact our world, though that's a whole other post...at the same time, i do not EVER want to be a christian that excludes people that aren't believers..i think it's scary/dangerous and just plain wrong to live in a bubble like that. ON the other hand.... i've always cringed watching american idol, these often innocent small-town kids crying and so strongly desiring to live their dream. the dream is never a reality, so often it's heartbreaking rather than amazing. i also hate how 'fame' changes people... SO hard to stay level-headed in music industry. so part of me wants danny to do his little american idol tour, then go home and stay with his family and church....
regardless, adam has got it. he's there. he was already a performer... the Lord knows all of us, all of our days.. but i think of how much harder is it to find Jesus when you are in an industry surrounded by 'yes' men...

***edit: aaah adam's voice is too freaking ridiculous, my vote is his***

the cats on my lap

purring machine...too bad we are probably going to give her away. would anyone like a cat named munki? she is awesome. but the house we are moving into prefers no pets... and i'm allergic... plus she is hardly getting the attention she deserves anymore [you swear your devotion to your pet won't change with children...but it does :(... ] we will be having jared and his awesome cat leonidas living with us for a few months which will be cool because leonidas is fat and funny, good combo. the house is a go! we move in end of march. i kept trying not to buy groceries so we could eat what we have in our cupboards but it's getting bad so we are making one more trip to t-joe's today...
i am reading a pretty interesting book called '23 minutes in hell' by bill wiese. colin's mom owns it and lent it to me... i was skeptical when i started it- the guy said he woke up in the middle of the night and the lord put him in hell- for 23 minutes. it sounds crazy but i believe it now. the guy is completely sincere and the lord has used his story in a great way. it's not a all a scare tactic and glorifying hell- it's definitely more about jesus loving us and wanting to rescue us from hell. i struggle with accepting the lord's love and fully trusting him so the idea of eternal damnation feeds into that- but it's finally clicking with me that the lord loves us and desperately wants us to be saved and NOT to go to hell. not like i pictured him happy about people going to hell... but ya know. my question is can't God destroy satan and his dominion? i think when jesus returns he will destroy satan but isn't he thrown into a...lake of fire or something? so will all people remain in hell then? i think, if God is all powerful and can defeat satan, why does he let this evil remain- for eternity? i'll see what the rest of the book says and obviously i'm sure i could read the bible and more books for answers...just thinking.
we have some close friends/family going through some rough patches right now. not to mention the crazy anxiety period i went through as well.... it's been hard, there aren't even answers to the problems that are being faced. but i've been grateful to have jesus and i've been learning how to trust him and lean into him. and that's been good. but if anyone feels like praying for our friends... even with names and situations unknown i believe the lord will hear your prayer. thank you! and now... cat pictures. sorry if you hate cats.
munki in all her glory

and a few of king leonidas..he has more pictures taken of him now because he is loved more than munki right now.

just playin'a little x-box

and my personal favorite... the sink one

so cold!

saylor has the greatest smile but he rarely will give me a smile on cue. in the first picture he is trying though and halfway gets it. it's ok, all my smiles until age...10 were simply me showing my teeth. it's hard to make a smile!
still in my funk but i think am slowly coming out of it. colin has been amazing these past few weeks. i don't know why this has attacked me but i am trying to lean more into the lord. i think this whole sickness, besides my sinus infection has been crazy anxiety. the beginning was an awful panic attack that has left me drained and anxious since. i've always dealt with anxiety but it has never been to this degree. the physical symptoms have been unnerving, to where i felt it couldn't be just anxiety. i am thankful to see the lord in this. went to church for the first time since feeling this way on sunday. i was feeling crazy nauseous and felt like i could barely make it through the service. i actually prayed someone would have a word that would call me up for prayer. our church has like what, 8,000 memebers so there aren't always specific words for people to come up. but lo and behold our pastor rich nathan called forward 'people who've been having panic attacks and i feel like there may be someone or people experiencing severe nausea...' haha! i was excited. i'm frustrated with how i've been feeling but i trust jesus will guide me through this and i'll use it to glorify him- even if it's just to be able to understand someone else that goes through this. it's worth saying again that colin has been wonderful. i'm thankful for a patient loving husband. aw sheesh i love him. anyway would love prayer that i would continue to be healed from this!
we are watching LOST!