siiiiiiiiick+dedication

i've had all these random thoughts i've thought about writing about but sickness has consumed me for the last week. this is pitiful! everyday i'd wake up with a new attack. it went as follows-thursday: hmmm headache, this feels a little weird. friday: sore throat... ruh roh. friday night: high fever and throwing up, that was good times. saturday: glands swollen to the size of watermelons, sunday: ears started hurting and clogged up, monday: nose started running crap, tuesday: left eye got swollen and gunky infected, wednesday: right eye got it, thursday: uncontrollable painful cough, friday: crazy jaw pain [from sinus pressure/fluid i'm assuming]. bear in mind as each new thing came, the other symptoms did not subside of course. they all just keep building on top of one another. i mean this is ridiculous. of course we've all been sick a million times but for me this one really tore me down. with two kids and the holidays and the intensity and continuous attack.. it's been a DOOZY. oy with the poodles already! thank god colin's home. my prayer is please jesus don't let anyone else get it...

so much going on even while i'm sick. on sunday clover was dedicated and our good photographer friend nick took a few pictures for us. first of all HER DRESS look at clover's outfit. it's amazing. a present from colin's mom, it's the nicest thing she will own until her wedding dress. and i love it love it love it. this dress IS clover don't you think? let's admire it, shall we. second, i am sick as can be here. we were on sunday in my plague of sickness so at least it was before the eye infections.

i LOVE our pastor, i LOVE our church. i need to write about our church. so good.

i love clover's expressions in the pictures! note her hands on our pastor jeff's hands and her looking up at him. she was into it :) and as you may be able to tell, she still loves sucking that bottom lip of hers. my sweet petunia!

diagnosis?

i've written off and on about feeling sick for the past few months. it's really hard to explain, and it still hasn't gone away. it's unbelievably frustrating and often scary. the main symptoms are nausea and lightheaded/headaches. it is quite debilitating. i don't have the energy or desire to do much as it exacerbates my symptoms [loud noises, bright lights, focusing on people makes my head swim and makes me nauseated]. from looking online the best answer i could come up with is some sort of inner ear disorder and yesterday a neurologist said he thinks that's what it could be. i had an MRI yesterday that came back looking good so now they want to test me for this inner ear thing. what i think it could be is called vestibular neuronitis and it says it usually clears up in 1-4 weeks or something but sometimes it lingers for months or years. i think it could be this as in the fall i had an ear infection then later my left ear was swollen and they didn't know why. so i think i somehow got some sort of virus that didn't clear up. i just want an ANSWER. i want a doctor to be able to confirm whatever it is and then help me.
we want to get pregnant again so i'm annoyed that my symptoms haven't fully cleared so when i'll get pregnant i'll just continue to feel nauseous, and i worry that my symptoms will worsen with pregnancy. i also am concerned about getting pregnant then the doctor prescribes some antibiotic or medicine that i can't take during pregnancy. my ear tests are next week but i don't have an appt with this specific doctor until the end of june. i cried when they told me that's the soonest i can get in. i do not want to wait that long- i know i haven't described this super well but if you think of it please pray-for healing first of all, and then that i can meet this doctor sooner than the end of june. that i will find definite answers and remedies soon.
saylor is amazing he learns new things everyday. yesterday i taught him the word 'sharp' and we talked about sharp objects. it's just fascinating to me, this age- they are sponges. i am so impressed with all he's constantly learning and i love his everyday he talks more clear and puts more words together. he loves having 'jare-bear' living with us. we love it too- hard to explain but it just works great for us, having a roommate. it goes along our lines of desiring community and sharing and all that too. after jared gets married we plan to have our friend alicia move in with us.
sun! warmth! windows open! flip flops! skirts! my favorite!

sick sucks

managed to celebrate new year's fairly low key by ducking out early from a party and bringing in the new year with just a few loved ones. i also thoroughly enjoyed a ladies night with dear friends (and bingo!) on saturday but am still currently sick. came down with fever, painful cough, the nose, the body ache, the earache, the headache.... and as a rule i only get fever's when colin is out of town. poor saylor, stayed in his jammies all day, ate meals of crackers and yogurt, and watched bug's life over and over while i was curled up on the couch surrounded by tissues. now the doctor says maybe my nausea and dizziness were from the beginning of all this sinus stuff. i don't know. i am just ready, lord please to feel better. zpak, zofran, cough syrup, ibuprofen, flonase, tylenol, ativan...blaaaaah.
this morning saylor was sitting across the room and he looks at me and goes 'nack.' now of course he being my own child i understand what he is saying most of the time. i love when he says 'owgawor' i know he's saying alligator. and that he says turtle and guitar pretty much the exact same way. oooh it's a fun age he's constantly learning. he knows his alphabet so well, we are now working on recognizing the lower case letters and learning to sign them! he loves it. ok so 'nack. nack nack' he says. and i say 'neck? mommy's neck?' i always feel so bad when i can't understand him, but children are so cute in that they usually don't have a problem repeating themselves 50 times until hopefully someone figures them out. finally he walks over to me and points to some dry cereal i had in a bowl set out for him. 'naaaaack' he says patiently. ' oh snaaaack!' i say. he starts eating and says 'naaack.' it was so cute. then when i was reading books to him before nap time he said 'erwleelie' i kept repeating him, he said it 5 times or so and then i got it. 'ernie's little lie!' which is a book we read all the time. oh my goodness. i was impressed with my decoding-ness. i used to babysit our friend's daughter ryleigh. she was talking all the time but it was still hard to interpret. i was very proud of myself for figuring out she wanted 'mommy's pillowcase' before bed. she probably had to repeat it to me 20 times but for pulling the phrase out of thin air i was so excited, and she was so relieved that i figured it out.
there is a woman at colin's starbucks who is somewhat...prophetic or physic or what have you. i thought she was a christian but colin says he's not sure she is. regardless she reads people in a way, can get senses about people, has words for them or whatever. she does it very sporadically, will just come out and say something. when house of heroes was adding another member she said to colin ' your band's going through some big changes huh? bringing someone else in?' then another time when hoh was writing their new album she just said 'so you guys are writing some new music? it's pretty different from your other stuff isn't it.' she says it like she already knows, very confident. it's hilarious because it's so spot-on! SOOO today she orders her drink, starts to walk away and then comes back and says to colin 'i'm sensing maybe you guys are pregnant again or thinking about getting pregnant?' and colin just laughs and says we've totally been talking about trying soon and she goes 'yah i think it will be soon. i'm seeing may or june.' OH my lord! so crazy. i remember the first time she did this to colin he flipped out in the holy crap kinda way, but he says it's not as crazy to him anymore, but he definitely think she has some sort of gift, and he doesn't feel like an evil presence or anything so that's good. it's funny because if i don't factor in income/where we are going to live- may/june would be exactly when i'd want to get pregnant again.
we will see. but the yet to exist baby number 2 is being spoken of almost daily now... so. we will see. it's been interesting having the 'i'm a young woman, i want my freedom, etc' voice slowly and steadily being drowned out by my maternal desire to have another child, to grow our family and have a sibling for saylor.....

did christmas just happen?

what a blur. christmas has come and gone and it was lovely but it feels hazy to me. the tuesday before christmas i got sick- i became extremely nauseous and dizzy out of the blue. no fun for hypochondriac, anxious little me. so it set off a panic attack or two. i wanted to chalk up all the symptoms to anxiety but something else was going on, we just aren't sure what. the nausea is unbelievable, it feels like im pregnant times 10 or so. [i'm not pregnant]. the best doctors can come up with is some sort of vertigo thing going on and i guess that's what it is. the first few days i had this awful brain fog- couldn't think clearly, felt completely out of it, lightheaded etc. each day the symptoms have lessened slightly although last night i woke up with an intense episode of it. i'm taking zofran for nausea which i think is helping. and i got some good ol' ativan to help with my anxiety. it's been frustrating, i'm annoyed at myself i feel like there's always something going on with me and it's always random. [like when i got chiggers, or that i have TB, and i had 5 wisdom teeth, and i'm allergic to lemons?! ...] so it's been debilitating and of course being anxious only made it worse, but i think it's getting better. on the upside? if there is one, i quit coffee in the midst of this, having no desire for it plus not wanting to make symptoms worse. though now spacey headaches can be contributed to caffeine withdrawal as well, who knows.
i am thankful for a husband who is patient, who prays for me, who is consistent, who loves me and takes care of me, and takes care of our son when i can't.
now i'm suddenly realizing it'll be the new year in 3 days. and i'm sentimental and overwhelmed. we lost two loved ones unexpectedly this year, and had two people dear to our hearts diagnosed with cancer. but we also had new babes born into our lives and have deepened friendships. i enjoy making new years resolutions, i always make a bunch and usually keep a few- one year i said get married and i sure did, one year i said get pregnant and i sure did..haha... i will have to make a list. it may include get pregnant, we will see...
saylor enjoyed christmas, he actually figured out how to open a present. he also loved passing out everyone's presents-which i thought was so cute. he is currently watching 'a bug's life' which is definitely hands-down his favorite movie. well it's the first movie he's ever watched the whole way through and he can't get enough. 'bug! bug?' everyday.... everyday. funny how i can totally tune it out but colin picks up on it, he knows all the character's names and the storyline. we had borrowed it from ella before we got it for christmas, i think it's played like 100 times at our house. i don't know any characters names, have no idea what the story is about. i think there is a bird? and there's a circus or something.... anyway i'm just laying low enjoying my family and resting, trying to get well.

ears, face and feet randomness.

i don't even know what's going on with my ear....um. i was given ear drops a couple weeks ago for an infection in my left ear, it was very swollen the doctor said he'd never seen anything like it. i went back to the doc yesterday as the swelling is gone but there is still pain, now in both ears. the doc looks in the left ear and says AGAIN i've never seen anything like this in my life and walks out of the room. COME ON. you cannot do that do an anxious little bird like myself! apparently my right ear has an infection and my left ear has white spots in it...now... i googled that and a bunch of websites came up for this problem in HORSES. horses. the doc brings in the same guy as last time for the 2nd opinion and he then says he thinks its a fungus or something and even asks 'what do you do?' i don't know what he was suggesting...i got sick repeatedly a few months ago and was on several different rounds of antibiotics,plus the drops in my ear a couple weeks ago,and too much antibiotics can be bad for the body, killing good bacteria. that was all the doctor could come up with for what this could be. he ends up giving me a prescription for some more ear drops for 2 weeks and if that doesn't work, a pill.that's all he said to me. i asked colin to pick them up and he comes home with just the pill.. for a vaginal yeast infection. indeed. i do not have the prescription for the drops as there was miscommunication to the pharmacy but the pharmacist told me he didn't understand why the doctor would prescribe this, he doesn't think i should take it and it doesn't make any sense....great. my friend B who worked at a pharmacy for years told me that yeast infections are very common when taking antibiotics and can grow anywhere on the body [sorry if this is getting gross for people] she suggested i just take that pill. but when i look up yeast infections in the ear all that comes up is this problem in DOGS! what's going ON!? and for the rare instance it is in people, it lists symptoms that i do not have.i am confused and annoyed and anxious about it all....i may try to go to another doctor this week though i don't know if i can squeeze in an appointment with two kids/no colin. my ears hurt, i am trying not to get too worked up about it but again prayers are appreciated...
i am excited about a great face wash i have found though. it says it's $9 on the link but i swear i got it at trader joe's for $5.50. i always had easy, clear skin. i only washed my face with water and got maybe 2 zits per school year... pregnancy has got me outta whack in many ways and breakouts on my face has been a result. it hasn't been horrible or even that noticeable except to me staring an inch away from the mirror going AAAGGGHH! [this is an honest post today i guess]
but i've tried like 10 different things since saylor's been born... just bar soap,exfoiliating, neutrogena, dove, just water, moisturizing consistently, expensive face wash from whole foods, apple cider vinegar, toothpaste....i don't like using harsh products and i try to buy products that are safe/all natural. i've found it! colin has used tea tree oil in the past i don't know why i didn't think of it sooner. it worked within a few days [though it has dried out my skin a bit so i am starting to use moisturizer again]. i don't know why i felt compelled to write all that but there it is i'm not deleting it now i'm too far in!
ears, face and feet......
i have a new bedtime routine with saylor-after i lay him in bed i do this little piggy. i don't know how it got started but there it is, sometimes i have to do both feet. [and the 3rd little piggy has 'yogurt' instead of 'roast beef' because..we rigsbys love yogurt and have never had roast beef in our house]
so today colin put him down for a nap and for some reason he was not happy about that and started crying off and on. it kept escalating so finally i went in and rocked him. he lay on me and quickly fell asleep and i just kept rocking him for a bit. he was silent and peaceful. i put him in his crib and he did the sigh people do when they're sleeping... and then, eyes still closed- he lifted up his leg! for this little piggy! so i did it real quietly and trying not to laugh and the boy had his eyes closed the whole time. i don't know how funny this without being able to see it but i got quite a kick out of it.. haha, no pun intended! EH!? maybe!? cuz feet kick...

this and that

Make yours @ BigHugeLabs.com

states i have visited! i didn't count the ones i just drove through, should i? hmm...and yes i do not know all my states or where they are but i think this is accurate. prolly at least %85.and i keep editing/playing around with it..hmm.
thanks for the fun idea mer.
saylor will soon have a buddy to play with all day. [not pregnant!] i'm going to be nanny-ing for my friend's babe for about 6 months or so. i think it will surely be an adjustment but i'm really looking forward to it.she will be playing at my home,and it's full time though her grandparents come in frequently and take care of her so i will have days off.she just turned one and is a cutey pie and i think it will be good for her and for saylor. pictures are sure to come.
i've had this pain in my ear off and on for quite a long time and the past couple days it has gotten worse. i just had an ear infection last month-though this pain is different it mostly hurts just if i touch it. anyhow i decided i should go to the doctor after reading all sorts of stories and getting myself sufficiently nervous. and then the doctor looks and says my ear canal is definitely swollen but it looks like nothing he's seen in the 6 years he's worked and he's going to need a second opinion. WHAAAAAAA...T. i'm starting to tear up and i tell him 'well, that makes me very nervous' and he reassures me that he's fairly certain it's just an infection but he needs help deciding how to treat it. the other guy comes in and they are both quiet and nervousness abounds all over me. they are both nice the new guy talks in crazy medical speak, he actually says to the guy 'i concur'. he said if the meds i get don't help i will come back in and get a head scan or something. but not to worry it's likely nothing serious. i don't have symptoms of it being something more serious but i don't have all the symptoms of just an ear canal infection [which would include redness and pus [gross sorry]] all that to say i have some ear drops now and feel free to pray they heal up my random ear.i'm still a little anxious about the whole thing. oh lordee.
sidenote i feel like we have a lot of friends who are teachers.we understandably have many artist friends of all kinds but it's fun to me to hear all these teacher stories! i'm thinking of 7 people..i'm sure there's more. i of course have made the list of our friends who have worked at starbucks, i should update that-working toward 50 i know we'll hit it! are we sad [stuffwhitepeople like.com]. maybe next i'll make a list of our friends who are hair stylists...again, thinking of 7 people..so i have no excuse for my sad hair....blah!

sayonara starbucks!

i gave my notice today! and though i only worked about 10 hours a week i feel much free-er for some reason.well starbucks is exhausting and i work early,at the busiest hours,at the busiest store in central ohio.oh how i won't miss the 4:23am alarm!
colin is very visual,much more than me.he is more fashion....conscious? than me too. so i am always so amused at the outfits he puts on saylor! in general my friends and i agree that mom's are just wired to be more aware of 'all-things-baby' than dads. colin is a fantastic hands on daddy but his mind does not naturally retain...last bath,what he should eat, how many diapers are left,sleep/wake times....i think for the most part moms can't even help but store and recall all that info..so outfits-i came home once to a onesie on saylor backwards,snaps and tag there and colin unaware,that was hilarious. and he will occasionally dress him in pajamas.a couple weeks ago he put on a one piece outfit for him,and then put shorts over that...two different socks, a too small shirt, or not even getting him dressed at all.and today i came home and saylor was wearing a swimsuit for shorts.i pointed it out and he was like 'ya, i thought that looked wrong'...but you know what i love it! i think it's so funny. i love picturing him pulling out clothes like 'ya this is good,this will work'... although i'm sure he'd say all of saylor's clothes aren't organized enough for him to find something... that's my next task as an 'official' SAHM [stay-at-home-mom]...i have been so very blessed to have friends with older sons loan or give me clothes [thank you jenny and holly!!!!! and kaitlin and carri....! and our parents love to get clothes for him too] i have seriously bought saylor..maybe 10 articles of clothing? in a year and a half.oh my gosh that's amazing...i'm keeping out one of his huge storage boxes so i can spread the love and loan some clothes....but i don't seem to have enough room in his dresser for all his summer and fall clothes. i need to utilize the closet more.colin's a big closet clothes hanger,i prefer the dresser and only hang some things.and we also hang our clothes opposite-his front of shirt faces to the right, mine to the left.is this because i write with my left hand?! haha..alright stream of consciousness should stop.
going to the doctor today, saylor has a hacky cough that sounds like croup to me.it's waking my poor son up at night in coughing fits and crying so we'll see what they say.i'm sick of all the sickness in our home!

lingering sickness

i thought i was better for 2 days or so then WHAM tuesday my fever goes up to 103 and i can barely move.colin is now sick too,poor guy though was working at the time so i dragged myself to [a rundown no me gusta] urgent care and my mom came with me.very deja vu of a few months ago.same urgent care.same high fever.same stress of being so sick and having a child to try to juggle.last time they said it was strep throat [although it wasnt].this time he decided it was bronchitis.[also have a mucus cough,gross]the doctor was so rude..i was crying i was in so much pain.he told me i was dehydrated and my fever was very high,needed meds to bring it down.then he left the room and i was sitting there for a good 25 minutes,ready to pass out.a nurse finally walked by and asked if i needed anything i was like 'i need water,i need medicine,right now!' for the love of GOD that should have been the first thing they did! so they give me 800mg motrin,1000mg tylenol.then he perscribes 4 things-inhaler,steriods,mucinex,z-pak [antibiotics]...didn't tell me what he was perscribing or why...nurse and pharmicist insisted i take all of them right away. i only took the z-pak [2 pills] and the steriods [6 pills!]...and i ate,i hadn't eaten all day... and i don't take pills very often,i am weary of them and was hesitant to do this.so within an hour i am throwing up so violently i thought i was going to choke myself.i have never felt that way before.plus being so lightheaded and shaky and dehydrated i was genuinely scared.it wasn't going away so colin and i go to the ER [it's around 10pm] and my parents kindly came over and took saylor for the night.and my mom and sister came with us to ER [thankyou]. well then we just sat there for 2hours and i fell asleep a little and drank water and finally felt better.my big questions were did the meds get in my system at all? should i keep taking them? that became my only reason to stay but it was after midnight so we went home [the front desk lady apologizing to us..]did the medicine cause the vomiting? is it ok to just stop taking it? i called urgent care,my regular doctor,pharmacy,looked online...finally got an answer from a nurse hotline my insurance company offers. it should NOT be this difficult to get adequate healthcare!!!!! AAAGH. i am finishing the steriods [as it is not good to start then abruptly stop] and the z-pak.havent taken the mucinex or used the inhaler.not to mention all the meds were generic with random names i didn't know which was which or for what.SIGH.am feeling better now.been enjoying the weather with saylor and hoping to get a zoo pass with my sister here soon.
my friend kristin gave me this soy article ... what the heck?! soy! nobody knows this! the world is being duped and we are suffering for it.i can't say i will never touch soy milk or tofu again but i am definitly steering clear for the most part.it's not like i need it or even crave it so no big change.and i signed up for the free mercola online newsletter.good stuff!
LOST tonight!