2.5 kids

clover is going to be 11 weeks this week so i know i don't need to make a decision today. however, i keep thinking and wondering and trying to decide...should we have 3 kids? when she first arrived, it was so easy i was laughing and totally ready to have the 3rd. and now i'm unsure again. our plan is to just wait and see how strong the urge gets :) i know the feeling- your baby is 2, a toddler and you start to ache for a newborn..

PRO CON LIST FOR HAVING A 3RD BABY
PRO
i always wanted 4, scaled back to 3, NEVER wanted 2.
2 seems lonely to me, and also it's what 'everyone else' is doing and i tend to go against the flow :)
i'm still young, there's 'time' to have a 3rd.
another child to 'bounce off' of saylor and clover so they have more than just each other
a potential sister for clover [or brother for saylor], i want to give that to them.
able to give birth one more time!
able to be pregnant/feel a baby move inside me one more time
i love, love, love babies
3 feels more like a family in my mind, and i don't want to someday regret not having a 3rd just because i was too selfish or something
the idea of only 2 kids genuinely makes me a little sad

CON
have to be pregnant again [bluuuuurg]
have to raise a toddler again [exhausting to me]
would have to get a bigger car
harder to get a babysitter/harder to have parents watch all of them
house situation? i like our house, like having a housemate.. 3 kids would be harder for anyone to live with us, plus 3 kids sharing one room??
i like that we are still young and it's very appealing to think of being done having kids. i still feel 'free' and connected to the world.. i like the idea of say and clo growing up and 'hanging out' with us...going to shows and such
can travel easier with 2- take one with us, leave the other one. leave both with family.. or even taking both- easier than adding a 3rd child for sure.
we have 2 great kids, scary to toss the dice again... like the idea of being able to invest and connect more with them 2 and not frazzle/wear myself out.
the idea of 3 kids is exhausting and i feel like it will cement me as a 'mom' and i may 'lose myself'...

basically 2 and a half kids would be perfect. :) it all depends on what colin's doing, what we are feeling in the next couple years. i don't mind waiting a while and then just having one more although i was always saying 3 before 30... but i dunno! 2 sounds lovely.. i still kinda want 3... i'm thinking about this too much i need to somehow block it from my mind for a good year and a half or so!


chubby arms and smiles

serene

whaddya know

i wrote this jan 2009---
"there is a woman at colin's starbucks who is somewhat...prophetic or physic or what have you. i thought she was a christian but colin says he's not sure she is. regardless she reads people in a way, can get senses about people, has words for them or whatever. she does it very sporadically, will just come out and say something. when house of heroes was adding another member she said to colin ' your band's going through some big changes huh? bringing someone else in?' then another time when hoh was writing their new album she just said 'so you guys are writing some new music? it's pretty different from your other stuff isn't it.' she says it like she already knows, very confident. it's hilarious because it's so spot-on! SOOO today she orders her drink, starts to walk away and then comes back and says to colin 'i'm sensing maybe you guys are pregnant again or thinking about getting pregnant?' and colin just laughs and says we've totally been talking about trying soon and she goes 'yah i think it will be soon. i'm seeing may or june.' OH my lord! so crazy. i remember the first time she did this to colin he flipped out in the holy crap kinda way, but he says it's not as crazy to him anymore, but he definitely think she has some sort of gift, and he doesn't feel like an evil presence or anything so that's good. it's funny because if i don't factor in income/where we are going to live- may/june would be exactly when i'd want to get pregnant again.
we will see. but the yet to exist baby number 2 is being spoken of almost daily now... so. we will see. it's been interesting having the 'i'm a young woman, i want my freedom, etc' voice slowly and steadily being drowned out by my maternal desire to have another child, to grow our family and have a sibling for saylor....."

didn't know if her 'word' would mean we would get pregnant in may or what... but here we are having a baby in may/june [due toward the end of may]. so wild. we didn't remember this until we were pregnant again.
was reading some older entries where i talked about saylor and the words he says and such.. i need to keep recording these things! i did just buy a journal to write down funny things he says. a couple things i like
he calls a
piano is pih-nano
table is tavle
granola bar is gorilla bar
magazine is maza-geen
he is CONSTANTLY ASKING QUESTIONS to where i sometimes have to ask him to stop. bless his heart he is taking in the world right now but here's an example of a car ride
'mommy?' yes 'what are you doing?' i'm driving 'why' because i'm driving 'why' because i'm driving 'why?' because buddy, i'm driving 'how are you doing today?' i'm good how are you 'good. what's... what's that cloud look like' um a carrot 'yah! is a tree made of wood?' yes 'what else is made of wood?' you tell me 'is a mailbox made of wood?' yes 'did god make wood?' yes 'did god make metal?' um...yes 'did god make houses?' well he made people and people make houses 'do houses get bigger?' no, once they are built they stay the same size..
and ON and ON and ON... and sometimes i'm loving it and diving right in and conversing but naturally after 10 hours a day every day i have my moments of responding 'mmhmm' and he goes 'what did you say?' i said yah 'no you said mmhmm' oh sorry. 'why did you say that?' um, i don't know..
aaahh poor kid won't let me off the hook! i have a memory of saying 'mommm i scraped my knee!' and she went 'that's nice honey'.. i of course got all upset, she wasn't listening, how could she say that.. and oh my goodness i understand her now... all that to say i'm so thankful for my boy i LOVE what he thinks i love how he learns and i LOVE LOVE talking to him!!
and yes he is a boy- he's loving superheroes and star wars as of late. he asked
'did god make darth vader?' and 'does chewbacca eat pizza?'

baby shower party

my friend jenny worded this so well i just wanted to repost it...

my heart is so full right now.... it has something to do, actually a lot to do, with all of the good-natured people i spent the afternoon/evening with. i went to a party and i dont know, i just took in the group and felt so in awe of the group. how kind and sweet and generous the whole lot was. men who are wise and good to their ladies, playful and attentive to children who are or aren't even their own, women who are comfortable in their own skin, vulnerable and honest in conversation, able to drape their arms around their friends and be happy for the others fortune. i know of no cattiness among my friends. we just don't roll like that. my kids went gallivanting off in the woods with adults who they don't even know, but they instinctively trust to lead them around to and from the stream or to collect firewood for the pile. it felt good knowing that everyone there was someone i trusted on such a basic level, and that my kids knew that too.... a pack of children running around of various ages, faces smudged by s'mores and ash - could there be a more lovely sight? we left the party bellies and hearts full.... dang it i love my friends folks.

it was fun.. where are the pictures? argh don't think many were taken, blast it. we received many presents as well.. what in the world? genuinely didn't expect any, but we are oh so grateful and excited and appreciative... it was a night of comfort and love and really really good food of course.
sidenote---it's been an amazing month having colin home. i never knew what i was missing, and i mean that for real. same goes for saylor... it's still weird to let him take responsibility as a parent... it's hard to explain but i'll surely try to write about it some more.
here are a couple of the homemade gifts that i'm stoked on


made by our roommate's sister... i mean... yes.


my sister made her a blanket, oh i love it! and she made two, exactly the same. great idea!


painting by our illustrator friend christen. love

and yah that's right i'm just now noticing they are all birds. which is fine by me i love birds.
we are just about ready for this little girl to flip our world... we recently have changed our minds about her name! i was always bothered that there was a 'celebrity association' and was concerned about it becoming a trendy name. it's a great name but that kept grating on me... so we started thinking again and i think... i thiiiink we have our name for real now. i think. still working on a middle name :)